Psychiatrist Carl Jung said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is any reaction, both are transformed.” And Ernest Hemingway said, “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.”
Let’s face it — relationships are messy.
Falling in love is a beautiful thing, and it can bring us so much happiness. But when it doesn’t work out, it can be debilitating. When you have a deep emotional connection with someone, the breakup is that much harder to recover. Some people go straight for the rebound relationship, while others say they’ll never date again.
How are your relationships right now? It’s the beginning of a new year, but you may still be holding onto some limiting beliefs and lies about your self-worth. Maybe you want this year to be great, and you want to form new, strong relationships — but how do you do it? How do you achieve lasting love and commitment? It seems like an almost impossible task, but it’s one that we shouldn’t give up on.
Today, I have the perfect person to help us train our brains to attract lasting love and healthy relationships. He’s a favorite guest of the podcast, and he’s back today to share more of his amazing wisdom. My friends, I bring you, Dr. Joe Dispenza!
Dr. Joe Dispenza is an international speaker, researcher, author, and educator who is passionate about the findings from the fields of neuroscience, epigenetics, and quantum physics to explore the science behind spontaneous remissions. He uses that knowledge to help people heal themselves of illness, chronic conditions, and even terminal diseases so they can enjoy a more fulfilled and happy life as well as evolve their consciousness.
Dr. Joe is the New York Times bestselling author of You Are the Placebo: Making Your Mind Matter, which explores our ability to heal without drugs or surgery, but rather by thought alone. His most recent book, Becoming Supernatural, talks about how we can intentionally change our brain chemistry to initiate profoundly mystical, transcendental experiences and develop a more healthy body, mind, and spiritual life.
Dr. Joe didn’t always work in the field of neuroscience. He started out as a chiropractor, earning his doctorate degree from Life University in Atlanta, GA. He had a successful chiropractic practice, but one day he had a dangerous accident. In 1986, while cycling in a triathlon, Dr. Joe was hit by a truck. He broke six vertebrae in his spine, and his doctors told him he would never walk again.
Dr. Joe asked four different surgeons what he should do, and all four of them prescribed a complicated surgery. The surgery would relieve some of his pain but nearly guarantee he would never walk again. But that wasn’t good enough. He refused to have the surgery and instead began to imagine himself totally healed. He visualized each vertebrae healing and reconstructed his spine in his mind. In just ten and a half weeks, Dr. Joe was back on his feet, and in twelve weeks, he was training again and back at work at his chiropractic clinic. He fully healed himself with just his mind.
I’ve had Dr. Joe a few times on the podcast now (Episode #826, Episode #679, and Episode #933), and in the past, we’ve talked about unlocking the power of the mind and breaking the addiction of negative thoughts. But in today’s episode, I wanted to change it up and ask Dr. Joe about relationships. Our conversation blew me away so much that I had to split this interview up into two parts, so stay tuned for the second part on Wednesday!
In this first part, we talk about how to create and attract healthy, lasting relationships, how to trade survival emotions for love, and how to transform a broken relationship into a healthy one. I’ve never heard Dr. Joe talk about life in this way, so I think you’re going to be equally blown away! Let’s get into it.
I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone wants to find true love. We want to find that perfect someone — someone who we respect, admire, and who accepts us for who we are. The problem is, finding that perfect soulmate only seems to be possible in romantic comedies and dramas. Out in the real world, true love seems like a myth.
Is it? Do we actually have the power to attract a compatible romantic partner? According to Dr. Joe Dispenza, we do. It all starts with writing a list of the qualities we are looking for in a partner and then embodying those qualities in ourselves:
“I always say, ‘Take out a piece of paper, write down everything you want in that person, and then become it.’ … Would you go out with you? [That] is really the fundamental question.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
The truth is, finding your soulmate begins with your own self-development. If you want to be with someone kind, you too have to be kind. If you want to be with someone loyal, you too have to be loyal. This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect — but in order to manifest that special someone in your life, you have to embody those same qualities.
Maybe you’re already in a relationship, but you feel a bit stuck. You love your partner, but you want your relationship to become even healthier and more life-giving. Dr. Joe’s wisdom applies here as well:
“If you bring your best, and the person who you’re with brings their best, and you celebrate life together, then there’s constructive interference. There’s growth. There’s energy. … We do these mediations to create love in our lives. … And so if thoughts [and feelings] are the electrical charge in the quantum field, … [then] how you think and how you feel broadcast an electromagnetic signature that influences every single atom in your life. The thought sends the signal out. And the feeling is the magnetic field that draws the event back to you, right?” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
In other words, if you’re not in a place of self-love or self-development, it’s going to be much harder to attract true love or maintain a healthy relationship. When you love life, love yourself, and love others, you’re putting out vibrational energy into the world and attracting similar vibrations back to yourself.
“We can think positively about the relationship we want. We could send the signal out into the field. … But if you’re not drawing the experience back to you, … your response is actually weakening the body. Then you will be a victim — more vulnerable to the conditions in your environment. … If you [want] a true relationship where it [is] fundamentally based on this concept called love, … you [need] to truly begin to practice trading those survival emotions every day for elevated emotions. … It’s a skill that has to take place [when] you move out of survival [mode].” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Friends, the process of finding true love and healthy relationships starts with ourselves. If we can’t love ourselves, how can we love other people? If we are constantly reacting to our environment out of fear and survival, how can we find love from the chaos? Sadly, the truth is that many people struggle with switching their emotions from those of survival to love — but thankfully, Dr. Joe has a solution.
There’s a huge difference between reacting to something and responding to something. When we respond to something, we take a moment to thoughtfully engage with the circumstance from a place of confidence and strength. But when we react to something, we operate from a place of fear, anxiety, and survival. When trauma or bad things happen, we naturally act out of a place of survival.
“So, if you have an event in your life … that has a strong, emotional charge to it, and you don’t feel like your normal self, you feel this alarm system switch on. … And the brain’s going to take a snapshot, and that’s called a long-term memory, right? … Every time they think about that event, they’re producing the same chemistry in their brain and body as if the event was occurring.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Maybe for you, that polarizing event was when someone broke up with you, cheated on you, or betrayed your trust. Maybe it doesn’t have to do with a romantic relationship at all! Maybe it goes back to when you were a child and experienced some kind of trauma. Whenever you think about that moment, your brain releases chemicals that signal to your body that you’re reliving that experience.
Have you ever thought of your ex and literally felt sick to your stomach? That’s your brain relieving the experience. Over time, these memories create deep neural pathways in our brains that aren’t helpful. In fact, they stand in the way of creating healthy relationships founded on love.
“[Those memories] are consuming the body’s energy for growth and repair … because in survival [mode], it’s not a time to create. Survival is a time to run, fight, and hide. The problem is that it becomes a subconscious program. … So now the body has been conditioned into resentment. … The research shows that the long-term effects of those stress hormones are pushing the genetic buttons that are creating disease. The body can’t live in emergency mode for that period of time. … The thoughts are making [the person] sick — literally.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Not only do these negative thoughts and memories keep us away from finding true love, but they also can increase the risk of disease. When your body and mind are trapped in the past, how are you supposed to create a brighter future for yourself?
Maybe you’re in a relationship right now, but you are keeping the other person at arm’s length. You’re scared of getting hurt, and so you’ve put up an invisible barrier to guard your heart. How do we break out of this cycle and start opening ourselves up to love?
“You have to reverse that battleship and understand [that] feeling love now is going to be the magnet. … [Your] brain organizes signals into the field, and you could actually crack this thing open and practice getting so present in the moment that you’re not anticipating the next moment or trying to predict the future. … So if you could work with your body to the point that it trusts you enough, … it could actually relax into the present moment.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
As humans, we often live in the past. But the key to opening ourselves up to love lies in embracing the present and manifesting a better future for ourselves. When you’re in the present moment, you can teach your body to respond to stimuli in a positive way, and you can imagine your future in a positive light.
“Now, that energy is causing [you] to move into very coherent, alpha brainwave patterns, which is the state of creation. This is when you no longer hear the voice in your head … the default mode. … The next thing you know, you start seeing pictures and images, you start dreaming, and that’s the imagination.” – Dr. Joe Dipenza
Only when we are in a creative state can we embrace love. Only then can we start engaging in healthy relationships.
Often, this journey isn’t linear. Most likely, all of us will experience brokenness even in the healthiest relationships. I’ve seen it before — after five, ten, even 20 years of a long-term partnership, couples will begin to show patterns of defensiveness. One party will pursue growth and restoration, while the other one isn’t aware they need to change. They’re still in reaction mode. Maybe you’ve experienced this type of situation firsthand. Can your relationship still be successful?
“Now, you have to stop preaching to [your partner.] That’s the first thing you have to do. In other words, show up happy [and] be the example [of growth]. Then one of two things will happen. … If you’re happy, then [your partner] is going to want to get some of that. … Now, if they don’t and you … compromise yourself to meet them on that level, they’re going to take some of your energy. And you’re going to be like, ‘Who am I?’” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
As Dr. Joe said, either your partner is going to want to grow with you when they see how happy you are, or they’re going to resent your happiness and pull you down to their level. So, if you find yourself in a relationship where the other person refuses to grow, then the best thing you can do is just keep growing. Don’t compromise your values. Eventually, they will move on, but guess what — you’ll still be happy.
How do we prevent this division from happening? While we can’t control the other person’s decisions and emotions (and we shouldn’t), we can prioritize vulnerability early on in our relationships. With vulnerability comes honesty, and through honesty, we can clearly communicate our needs, our desires, and our challenges. Sometimes, these conversations will be difficult and even painful, but through them, partners can learn to grow together.
“The truth is, if you truly are in love, then you will be challenged always to a greater level of love.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Not all relationships work out, but that doesn’t mean that healthy relationships are impossible. By growing individually, embracing love instead of survival, and encouraging the other person to grow as well, we can all have healthy, life-giving relationships.
Friends, this conversation with Dr. Joe was incredible. I’ve always wanted to talk to him about relationships and love, and I got my wish. In fact, this interview was so full of wisdom that I had to split it into two parts, so make sure to check out Part Two on Wednesday to learn about letting go of negative emotions and loving yourself.
If you’re ready to learn more from Dr. Joe, check out his guided meditation CDs and audio downloads. He has multiple books, and a good one to start with is Becoming Supernatural. You can find more resources on Dr. Joe’s website, and don’t forget to connect with him on Instagram and Twitter.
We’d also love to know if this interview inspired you! You can take a screenshot of this and post it on Instagram. Tag us both — Dr. Joe, @drjoedispenza, and myself, @lewishowes — and let us know what you learned today. Better yet — share this episode with a friend who needs to hear it. You could change someone’s life!
Until next time, don’t forget to love yourself and love others.
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