It’s Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it’s a good time to reflect.
You have to get clear on what you want in a partner.
Otherwise, you’ll keep repeating the same patterns over and over.
If you’re dating or married, do you treat that other person with respect? Do you listen to them and value them?
Finding the right person isn’t the end of the story. You have to work hard to make that love grow.
That’s why, on today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I reflect on what I’ve learned from my past relationships over a coffee conversation with my close friend, Cesar.
Cesar and I talk about finding love and thriving in love.
I’ve learned a lot over the years because I’ve messed up a lot. Now, I’m sharing what I know with you.
Love yourself, love life, and get ready for a special Valentine’s Day relationship tell-all on Episode 758.
Lewis: Valentine’s Day special keys to finding love and thriving in love. Welcome to the school of greatness my name is Lewis Howes a former athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today, now let the class begin.
Welcome to a very special coffee conversations. I’ve got my good friend Cesar in the house who hasn’t been on here in a while we just started to come and talk about the relationships. Talking about our previous relationships and the biggest lessons we’ve learned and how to find the right love for you and how to thrive in that love. And I wanted to start quote I saw this on Instagram recently by Bo Taple “The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are drop everything, forget the belongings and expectations, forget the games the 2 days between texts, the hard to gets because this is it. This is what the entire world is after and you’ve stumbled upon it by chance by accident, so take a deep breath take a step forward. Now, run collide like planets in a system of a dying sun; embrace others with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions and common sense crash down around you because this is love kid and it’s all yours. Believe me you’re in for a hell of a ride after all this is the one thing I know for sure.” That gives me goosebumps when I read that. You deserved the love of your life, you deserve the person that you admire, respect, that you just fall in love with and you deserve to find someone that feels the same about you. Anything less there’s got to be some challenges, there’s challenge even when you find that person but when you don’t have the foundations right and you pick the wrong person pick the person that doesn’t need these 6 criteria that me and Cesar are gonna talk about.
Then it’s gonna be more challenging, more anxiety that are necessary and trust me there’s no way to feeling in love than being love and loving someone else and doing something good for someone else. No greater feeling than having that mutual respect that mutual admiration and mutual feeling, but like this quote said feelings are rarely mutual, so when they are drop everything.
In this interview we talked about the discussion between me and Cesar we share some of the crazy experiences we’ve had in our past relationships. Some of the mistakes and things that we did that are wrong and some of the things that other people did wrong to us and open up. We really open up about a lot of these different things. And the 6 points for finding the right partner and then thriving with the right partner. And if you miss out on this 6 keys then and you get into a relationship for the wrong reasons it is most likely to end out poorly and not as good as it could be.
So let me know if you enjoy this one this is the first time we’ve really dove in and talked about relationships in such an intimate and eye opening way. So let me know what you think of this one share with your friends’ lewishowes.com/758. And let me know if you want more relationship talk from myself and Cesar in general let me know. We want to be of service to you and as much value as possible to you.
Before we dive in big thank you to our sponsor today which is bench. Bench is the online bookkeeping service for your business. They give you a team of bookkeepers to do your books and simple, elegant software to track your financials. Every month your bench bookkeeping team turns your data into tax ready financial statements. You can monitor your business’s financial health, download your financial statement and chat with your bookkeeping team via anytime on the bench app. With thousands of entrepreneurs trusting bench to do their books, they’re America’s largest bookkeeping company for small businesses. 24/7 access and support you can message your team and access your financials anytime and bank rate security data is protected. It gives you peace of mind your books are on time and tax ready every single month so you don’t have to stress about it and be late. Save time and less administrative stress, no more dealing with the DIY bookkeeping and piles of papers. Bench is bookkeeping done for you and right now school of greatness listeners get 20% off their first 6 months of bookkeeping bench.co/greatness to get 20% off your first 6 months of bookkeeping
And also a big thank you to our sponsor organifi. Using organifi for year and they’ve got a product that I really love right now called organifi gold. It’s the answer to better sleep you just add hot water drink and let your body soak up the incredible health benefits. And Americans are spending 50 billion dollars on sleeping pills, the irony is those pills don’t give you the rejuvenating rest that you need. That’s why the superior nutrition provided by organifi gold can help in so many ways and it’s why I love using organifi. I drink this almost every night guys and just take 1 scoop and put it in hot water and stir and drink. It’s so quick and easy but it also taste great. Go to organifi.com use the code Lewis at checkout to get 20% off your order. Again that’s organifi.com and use the code Lewis to get 20% off your order and make sure to get the best sleep ever.
Again thank you to our sponsors today and let’s go ahead and dive into this the relationship and Valentine’s Day episode.
Romance is in the air relationship tell all. Cesar is in the house coffee conversations cheers to you my friend.
Lewis: It’s been a great year so far.
Cesar: January down.
Lewis: January’s down its freaking Valentine’s Day. You asked me yesterday we should do a relationship tell all where we reveal everything we learned about relationships, talked about crazy experiences we both had in the past in relationships. Talked about how to find a great love, a great intimate partner. How to keep a thriving relationship going and I think we both gone through instances in relationships where we’ve maybe found some people, maybe it was the right time or wrong time. We’ve been in long term relationships. You’ve been in challenging ones long term me as well and I thought we just share, a couple of guys in their mid-30’s
Cesar: A couple of Midwestern boys.
Lewis: Midwestern boys who’ve learn some things still don’t know it all.
Cesar: We’re 35 can you believe that?
Lewis: 36 in a month. March 16th
Cesar: And they say with age comes wisdom so.
Lewis: And I feel like now that I’m wiser, older I feel like I’ve had time to reflect on the different things from multiple relationships for the last like 15 years. I learned that there is a pattern that the type of relationships that I’ve been getting into over in my past. There was a pattern of type of people, there was a pattern of how I was showing up in those relationships. I’ve learned a lot and I want to share some of those things today.
Cesar: I think the great thing is I’ve seen you really go through a new self-discovery with yourself which I am really proud to say I am seeing just step into almost learning again. I know you have so many amazing guest on this podcast talking about relationships and business, life and you know successful strategies in life and successful strategy in business and relationships. Seeing you continue to elevate your game, seeing you continue to rise above the noise and just try to elevate yourself as a human being a powerful thing.
Lewis: I’ll tell you what relationships, someone told me this years ago that relationships are our greatest teacher. It doesn’t matter like how many incredible people we’ve had on the show, the greatest teacher we will have of always is relationship with other people and relationship we have to ourselves. Someone ask me today who are your top 3 guest you’ve had on? And it’s hard to always say like top 3 because I feel like I learned something from everyone but the greatest teacher is always when I listen to my heart and listen to my mind. When I listen to the struggle that I face inside it is like just listen to it, you learn from your inner wisdom more than anything else I think.
Cesar: I like that.
Lewis: And we go, I mean you’ve seen me for the last 13 years now? 2014 you’ve known me. I’ve seen you go through crazy relationships. For those who don’t know me and Cesar used to live together above a music hall, it was like a jazz salsa dancing music club and we live in an apartment that was $250 a month. We split 125 each a month.
Cesar: Thanks to your brother.
Lewis: Yeah he hooked it up for us, he knew this owner of this music hall. And we live above this club and I met you, I think you were dating someone long distance first time I met you. We’re not here to talk names, this is to talk about positive things and what we’re grateful for and what we’ve learned.
Cesar: You know it is funny when you go back to past relationships I’m sure there’s been upset and hurt and anger honestly I forgot about from past relationships. I think about like you start to go back to the good times, the stuff you start to think about is ‘I remember the fun experienced we had the first time together’ I have to say in college I had a lot of fun relationships and you gave me a lot like great feedback back in the day.
Lewis: What was my feedback?
Cesar: I remember there was actually one relationship you just flat-out called it like as it was, you’re like this is not a good relationship for you. You got a little to hype I would say.
Lewis: One of the relationships I got mad at you, I was mad at her.
Cesar: Call us both out I think we were at the top of the stairs and you’re just like “This relationship is not working.”
Lewis: I was giving honest feedback 13-14 years ago. I remember because we were roommates and we live in a 1 room it was a big room.
Cesar: It was a huge loft. It was a former firehouse and it was the hayloft that was converted into this single loft apartment.
Lewis: Huge sliding door window this wooden door sliding down to see all of Columbus just thriving metropolis, but it was cool for us.
Cesar: And it wasn’t private because you and I for that not even a year that we live there it was my final semester in college and you are basically taking up the full time study of salsa dancing and I just, I remember I had like 3 credit hours to finish and we just spend tons of time watching football, going out just living the life. I remember at that moment you were like “You need to just let go of studies and just focus on experiencing life.” And I have to say I learned a lot that final semester just kind of living in that space and learning from each other and learning from the relationships that you were in at that time and relationships I was in at that time. It was heck a lot of fun but that experience of you giving honest feedback was probably the first time in my life that I actually got direct feedback, because I have never been to therapy you know relationship therapy. I’ve experienced my high school sweetheart my college sweetheart and all that stuff. I think I was more of a serial monogamist at the time and you’re just like this is not working.
Lewis: And she was right there.
Cesar: Both of us I think realize at that moment but we had chemistry, we enjoyed each other’s company and I have to say I was actually talking about with somebody about this that relationship ended pre amicably.
Lewis: Did it?
Cesar: Yeah, I think it was just it really did, we both realize we wanted different things in life and we kind of gracefully let go. And that’s not typical in a relationship, typically it’s one side wants to go and the other one doesn’t.
Lewis: One person hates you.
Cesar: And it causes this huge problem.
Lewis: It’s a mess and it never looks good on that person when they do that. I have 3 points to finding love. And the first point that I have for finding the right partner because you can find anyone you know there’s tons, I’ve never done this app stuff this dating stuff. But there’s a ton of these apps where you can find anyone you want who’s attractive and go on a date with them and it feels good, it’s fun natural or whatever. But the first point for me is knowing what you want. This is really 3 simple things that I have and this is like common sense and everyone knows this. But sometimes we get into a relationships for the wrong reasons.
We get into it because we’re having fun, we’re attracted to that person maybe they’ve got a quality in them that we really like that we’re curious about, maybe they make us feel a certain way.
Cesar: That’s fun I mean that’s part of learning I think. That’s a nice thing I look back at my relationships you kind of learn about yourself as you’re in relationships.
Lewis: You’re not gonna know who you are until you have some experiences so it was all good.
Cesar: I think it was as a pro it was like somebody is like “How do I find that person?” and she’s like why kill that mystery? That beautiful experience of not going oh my gosh, it’s like a contract. People don’t go into a relationship signing a contract knowing exactly what the other person is going to do or not do.
Lewis: That’s not fun.
Cesar: Can you imagine if that was the experience?
Lewis: You know exactly what you’re gonna get.
Cesar: That’s the beautiful thing about love it’s supposed to be, I mean when you fall in love it’s not supposed to be planned right?
Lewis: It’s not.
Cesar: That’s the whole idea of falling in love.
Lewis: Expectedness of it is what brings the magic to the story of the relationship also. Just like I wasn’t expecting this and this incredible person just fell in my lap somehow or we bump into each other. One thing ended and something unlock to new possibility and you are like “I was not expecting this.”
Lewis: And that’s where the magic happens.
Cesar; But you’re right. To further your point you got to know what you want, you got to know it fulfills you I mean it’s like know thyself you really have to take that self-discovery, self-exploration, finding out yourself and kind of go with it. You’re are also allowing yourself to be the strong person in that relationship for your partner.
Lewis: And I think sometimes you don’t know what you want until you find what you want. Sometimes you got to go on dates and date people and be in a relationship and realize this isn’t what I want, it’s okay to end something.
Cesar: Same thing in the work force, I mean you go into a job and sometimes you are like ‘I don’t like this job’ I mean it is part of the human experience.
Lewis: 2nd point I have is this is huge this is what I’ve learned as my pattern: Find someone who is aligned with what you want to your dreams and to the vision you have for your life. I think it’s really hard I’ve been with incredible women, every relationship I’ve been with they’re incredible woman. Some of them don’t end up well in the past but they’re incredible people and I continue to focus on the good and want the best for them. Even if I feel like relationships from 5-10 years ago or something whatever ended horribly I don’t need to speak to those people because you saw what happened what they put me through.
Cesar: I’ve seen I mean the last almost 15 years I’ve seen almost all your relationships.
Cesar: Of course. Love can sometimes get a little crazy.
Lewis: So you need to find someone that’s align with what you want. So what I realized now moving forward in my life that if I’m ever gonna be in a relationship I need to be fully aligned with what they want to their dreams, mission and I need to know that they fully align to my vision and mission. Because for me dreams are important, living a lifestyle that I want is important. Living kind of a life that is not a typical life that’s what’s important to me. And you’ve got to find a partner man or woman or any partner who is willing to support your dream, because when we feel like someone doesn’t support our dreams and they constantly make you wrong for your dreams, they constantly make you wrong who you are. It’s gonna make you really resent them and resent the relationship and you’re going to say why am I doing this for?
Cesar: That inevitably will hold you back and the same goes true for any relationship in your life: Friendship, business relationship, family especially.
Lewis: Career. You want to be with a company if you’re working for a company that supports your growth.
Cesar: Right and you want people working for your company that are aligned with the type of growth you want to see.
Lewis: And aligned with your vision. They’re not supporting the mission of the company, the mission of your life, the mission of your family. It’s gonna hurt you it’s gonna hold you down. So I have learned that I take responsibility of every relationship I’ve been in, anything that doesn’t work out I take full ownership and responsibility.
Cesar: Yeah, well I’ll stop because that’s great point right there but I have to say your mom actually had shared this with me multiple times, she now lives in my building and it’s powerful to have her as an extra support person. My family is in Ohio, Kendra’s family is in Ohio. So, I mean ultimately she share with me this, it’s not even a question just like a declaration. What if you declared that I hope I don’t botch this but what if you declare that you’re going to be 100% responsible on whether or not your relationship works out or doesn’t work out? And in that declaration listen I realize someone else’s action those are their actions you can’t be 100% responsible for their action, but if you’re declaring that you individually are gonna be 100% responsible for whether a relationship works out that does wonders for you. It frees you from I mean a lot of upset that could be causing relationship. Then the blame game starts, the argument starts.
Lewis: And the not forgiving and you’re always holding on the past. When I say I take responsibility I take responsibility for everything I’ve created in a relationship. For what I’ve created for relationship that I stayed in too long, relationships that I made mistake, for getting into relationship it’s a choice to start a relationship. If I don’t choose it the relationship isn’t gonna happen, if the other person doesn’t choose it then it’s not gonna happen for me on my side. Right, so from me choosing to be in a relationship without clearly saying this is what I want and is this person align to what I want? And do they fully accept me for who I am? So, I take full ownership because a lot of the past relationships that I’ve been in didn’t meet those first 2 things. It wasn’t fully what I wanted, I wasn’t fully align to all their mission and vision and they weren’t fully align to mine. So, what I’m able to recognize now looking back now from past relationships. Why did I chose those relationships? Why did I choose those? I figured out patterns on why but go ahead.
Cesar: And that’s so important I mean I think people they also get caught up in the why a little too much. The why is important for you to understand for yourself.
Lewis: So you don’t make the same mistakes again, you’re trying to do better things in the future.
Cesar: I think ultimately in relationships the other side gets focus so much on the why did they did that? Why did they do that? I think that’s a hurtful it also will inevitably hold you back. Focusing on the why for yourself I mean that’s further than your first point.
Lewis: Taking responsibility, taking ownership and saying why did I choose this? Why did I create this? What’s the pattern in my pass or what I feel like is missing or what am I trying to help?
As I look back on my past relationships they almost fall under 1 category, they fall under the same category of pattern that I take.
The first patter is as I continue to reflect back and like why did I do all this? Why did I create this? How can I be responsible so I don’t make the same mistakes in the future? They’re all beautiful individuals, beautiful people, souls, hearts, and beautiful people and I choose to see the best in everyone. I see the masterpiece of people that’s kind of like my blessing or curse is like I always see the greatest side. So, I was attracted to them as individuals. Second thing they had in common is they have like an extreme gift or talent that I recognize in them, usually they did as well but I saw something. They had some sort of gift or talent I was attracted to. The [?] they were that hard to build this gift and this talent because I believe greatness, you hear me talking this all the time is “Discovering and cultivating your true gifts and talents, to pursue your dream and in the pursuit of that dream makes you an impact on the people around you.” You’re probably not gonna like me for saying this but the 3rd thing that I notice was that they were confident to an extent but they didn’t fully believe in themselves, they didn’t fully believe in themselves. And I saw their beauty, talents and their gifts but I feel like they didn’t saw it within them and it really hurt me as a human being I think because I wanted them to see how beautiful and talented they were. And I think my pattern looking back now and reflect on all these relationships that I’ve been in, I’ve noticed that I think I’ve always wanted to help these individuals believe in themselves more. No coincidence is the work that I do is help people believe in themselves and my career. And I think I was trying to do that in my relationships, I was trying to say “Listen I’m gonna be here, I’m gonna lift this person up and elevate them. I’m going to build confidence in them.” So hopefully they can see that within themselves to 100%.
Again, some of them saw it lots of them saw it a little more but they didn’t see it 100% and I just wanted them to.
Cesar: Of course I know.
Lewis: And I think the challenge was usually after 6 months a year this leads into the 3rd point. The 3rd point is to focus on growth in a relationship. Each person growing individually and then as a partnership growing together.
You know this women different experience in life over the last 15 years all of these relationships over the last 15 years. But I felt like they weren’t as committed to growing as fast and as much as I was. Doesn’t mean they weren’t growing.
Cesar: Let me tell you you’re an athlete too, so I understand your mindset and I’ve operate your business so I realized how you’re operating at an optimal level beyond what is normal I guess I would say. You’re always pushing more every day “What can do Matt? What can we focus on to further our mission further or vision for our business?” And I love that I mean it’s part of I think that athlete mindset, I mean you’re mom she’s always going back and she’s like “I hear you guys having almost this Ping-Pong matches.” And I think it’s part of our growth mindset, we want to continue to elevate climb that mountain. I mean what would you say you learned about yourself when you kind of discovered these 3 things that you just talked about?
Lewis: I think I was getting into relationships because of those 3 things. I was attracted to them their personality or their beauty. I was attracted to their talent and I think I was also attracted to, I want to say I was attracted to it but I think I just felt in me that I want to help them grow. I want to help all these past relationships I’ve been with, you deserve to see how amazing you are how talented you are and how beautiful you are. And I feel like a lot of them lack that confidence, they lack that they couldn’t take a compliment. Again, they were different ranges so I’m not trying to put them all in the same category but it’s common theme at different point. They would constantly reject love, they would constantly reject the masterpiece that I saw in them and the beauty in them and their talent. And after 6 months to a year it was very tiring for me it was like “I can’t keep elevating and constantly saying these things.”
Cesar: It certainly can. My mother some of these stuff is coming to me as you’re talking but there are relationships that I was in in the past and you know you get advice from your friends and family. My mom would say you know “Matt you got to be on a mission be less of a missionary”
Lewis: “Matt you got to be on a mission be less of a missionary” What’s the difference?
Cesar: You know it’s that idea of when you found that partner that is growing with you instead of you always feel like and it could be you in a relationship, you’re holding the relationship back some of the conversations you are having about self-worth or what not whatever.
It’s finding that alignment with your relationship and it’s not an easy thing to find you know.
Lewis: Very challenging.
Cesar: It’s funny because somebody going to grow with you you’re gonna continue to challenge each other, elevate each other, hold each other up and I have to say it is just a part of what I have seen with you and your personality over the years of knowing you. You’re a fearless individual that’s not an easy thing to be in the situation with the utmost confidence.
Lewis: Constantly growing putting themselves out there.
Cesar: Absolutely. People are so fearful of failure at the end of the day, fearful of the relationship failure. It goes down to the same business or sports practice in a relationship sometimes like people are just terrified they fix it and focus on the failure on something rather than what it could be if it’s the best, the most beautiful the most amazing relationship you can create together.
Lewis: Listen I’m just reflecting on 3 things that I see as a pattern that a lot of these past relationships have had. No way that I am saying that I’ve been perfect in every one of my relationships. A lot of challenges I bring a lot of my own issue, a lot of my past and present and future worries. I bring a lot of stress to a relationship too if the other person doesn’t know what they want and I’m not align to what they want as well, if those 2 don’t work out. So, that’s why it all makes sense if you don’t know what you want the relationship is probably gonna suffer. If you’re not aligned to the other person on what they want and they are align to you is probably gonna suffer. And if you add that the growth isn’t happening both not growing individually and together, for me when the first 2 are off I just like and we’re not growing. You know a lot of my past relationships is like, then you’re mind starts to think outside. And I think my challenge again the athlete mentality is I always try to make it work, every relationships has challenges they all have something.
Cesar: Whatever the defense gives you we got to find a way as an offense to break to that defense.
Lewis: Find a way to score, find a way to make it work. And I think in every relationship you’ve seen this with me like I to a default I try to give the other person so much to make people happy. I’m a people pleaser I don’t like when someone is mad at me.
Cesar: Of course.
Lewis: So I will sacrifice my dreams, my desires, my health to give to the other person and that’s great if the person is align to you if they are exactly what you want and they focus on growth. You’re gonna have to sacrifice, you’re gonna have to commit to someone and give up things to make the other person feel love to make it work, it can’t be one sided. But I think I was in the wrong relationships every time where I knew in my heart, I just didn’t listen to the inner voice. Every relationship I’ve been I’ve talked to you about challenges no matter if it’s a 6 months or 4 years or whatever, you will hear me talk about these things and you knew when it was like it wasn’t the right fit anymore. And you would see me stick it out for 6 months, a year sometimes and just say “I’m gonna keep giving, I’m gonna keep trying to make it work”
Cesar: That’s a normal thing in relationships trying so hard to make something work. Even though when I think you listen to your heart you know if there was something that would making you question before you have to really listen to your intuition.
Lewis: Here’s why it’s hard because you can be in a relationship that you know isn’t working or isn’t gonna work long term but it feels good, you get connection and intimacy.
Cesar: Comfort too.
Lewis: You’ve been through a lot with that person for a few months, years. They come home and you see each other like there’s goodness in the relationship even when you know it’s not gonna work there’s still great things about that relationship and that’s hard to let go off, the fear of like find someone who will give.
Cesar: Now you’re getting into the root of it.
Lewis: Like find someone is this scarcity mentality like ‘Are they gonna be as quality as the person?” I’m telling you when you know what you want, when you focus on growth every single day and your clarity of your vision and mission you will attract the right partner. You will attract it it’s gonna be unexpected, it’s gonna come out of the blue, you might need to work for it you might need to put yourself out there still. But you’re gonna attract it when you get clear on what you want, when you focus on growth and making yourself best, when you constantly learning, when you’re hearing from the school of greatness you’re hearing from the great experts of our time and you’re implementing these things to become better in your career, business, health, finances and relationships. Your mission to the world you’re gonna attract a partner who sees you for who you are and says “Wow, I already understand this person.” So when you work on yourself every day in your mission and vision you will attract a more align partner as opposed to just saying “I’m going on random dates and this one feels comfortable.” It typically won’t work.
Cesar: I think you know.
Lewis: You know in your heart you know but I think we get scared. I’ll speak for myself I’ve been scared in every relationship I’ve been to lose the relationship, even if I know it’s not the right fit I’m still scared of losing the relationship. And I think it wasn’t until recently where I realized that I lack the emotional courage to end things in previous relationships because of fear, I think I lack just the emotional intelligence, I think I still have to mature a lot in relationships because I didn’t want to be alone. So, I think I’ve made decisions based on fear many times to stay in a relationships because of fear when I knew in my heart that wasn’t right thing and I should have gracefully ended things sooner.
But because I haven’t listened to my heart in the past and I try to please partners I’ve been with I’ve gone through some crazy stuff. You saw some stuff 10 years ago or 12 years ago.
Cesar: I mean the only thing I have to say is I’ve seen you give every possible piece of your heart to your partners that I’ve seen.
Lewis: To fault sometimes or like too much.
Cesar: Yeah, I mean you got to watch you don’t also lose yourself in a relationship I know that sounds again [?] but you know you have to also have your identity, your individual identity. And some people morph into their relationships rather than being 2 strong people having a super powerful relationship together while also having their individual identities. I think that’s hugely important in this day and age and I know that relationship landscape is changing overtime, I mean that’s why we have amazing guest on the podcast that are coming up with some wonderful innovative ideas on how to approach relationships and dating and business relationships even, I mean that’s what I’m excited about.
Lewis: I remember when my second I guess you can consider my second girlfriend in high school. It was the girlfriend that I was just like head over heels in love with, I love this girl and I remember we broke up and I went to college she was a senior just an incredible woman, and we broke and I remember being such a freaking loser like for over a year I was like in the fetal position in my dorm room.
Cesar: Yeah wreck.
Lewis: A wreck I would call her all the time I did everything you weren’t supposed to do, I would call her all the time and be like please.
Cesar: You pleaded.
Lewis: I was like so pathetic and she was like already moved on and she moved on and she was with another guy and I was like heartbroken. And I did everything you’re not supposed to do.
Cesar: You say not supposed to do but you learned from that experience.
Lewis: This is the thing I learned from it but I was like calling, I was trying to show up sometimes and be like ‘please’ it was sad like writing love letters and all these stuff.
Cesar: Breakup stories.
Lewis: Pushing someone away. And I learned after that breakup I was like “Never again where I do something like this” where it drags on for this long because I felt miserable the whole time, I push myself away from here like I push her so far away from me by doing that and if there was any chance of us me doing those things would not give it a chance. So, I learned early on like you can’t do these things in a relationship after a breakup. But then you met me after this. You met me, I mean I’m not here to name any names because I’ve had they’re all great people I’ve been with and I always say I want the best for them even if they’ve done things to me that I feel are horrible. I want the best for every person I’ve been with because I’ve love them.
Cesar: And you’re focus on the positive things that were created.
Lewis: Focus on the positive
Cesar: The other day when a relationship is over let it be over.
Lewis: Or give it some space or time.
Cesar: Give it space or let it be over and don’t commit to conversations, don’t commit to gossip
Lewis: Drama back and forth.
Cesar: Absolutely. You’re doing a disservice to yourself and also at this day and age so you have to be playing a bigger game, a more elevated game where you don’t subject yourself to the drama and garbage.
Lewis: Gossip and rumor.
Cesar: It’s just garbage.
Lewis: For people who have no clue about what’s actually happening in relationship.
Cesar: I mean relationship is between two people.
Lewis: And the only 2 people that would actually really know what is going on are those 2 people.
Cesar: And even then one sides truth to the other sides truth. And the other person has their truth and somewhere there in the middle you’ll typically find the truth.
Here’s another just supposed and this comes from your mom which I love this: Supposed we had the freedom the weight of the significance we put in and on a relationships. So the second part.
Lewis: So this is Cesar’s part I had 3 pieces of advice of finding the right love which: know what you want, find someone who is align with what you want and you’re align to what they want in your life and focus on growth. I think if you focus on those 3 things you least set yourself up with a foundation that allows for magic. You still need to find the right match and everything, but if you don’t have those 3 things I think the relationship will suffer doesn’t matter how you meet that person or anything. But this 3 steps are how to thrive when you find the right person.
Cesar: Yeah and it’s simple for me I mean simplify simplify, it just supports me in business and life as father, as a husband the contributor to my family I like to simplify things. So the 3 things I want to talk about as it relates to thriving at least for me is in any relationship as well as my relationship with my wife and I is effort, listening and forgiveness.
Lewis: Effort, listening and forgiveness.
Cesar: And we kind of dive in deeper with those topics but I think for the first effort, I mean you have to put forth effort. This year you challenge me at the beginning of the year, what am I gonna do for my relationship?
Lewis: You just had a baby a year and a half almost.
Cesar: Yeah my daughter is a year and a half old.
Lewis: And I think you know I don’t have kids so I can’t necessarily relate because I haven’t gone through it, but I have lots of friends who have kids and I hear these stories. One of the things I would say how do you keep a thriving relationship? A lot of them say you need to have a date night once a week, it’s a non-negotiable and in your first year of baby it’s all about the baby.
Cesar: It’s a little chaos.
Lewis: Chaotic and you don’t have the time at least that’s the conversation you say, the story you said to yourself. And I said to you for some reason you need to have good energy this year. If we’re gonna hit our goals you’ve got to be on point and that means your marriage at least the effort has to be.
Cesar: Well about the holistic approach here, I mean we talked about even on our team calls what individual goals we have for each other on our team calls. So, again you challenge me what am I going to do with my relationship and I declare every single week we’re going to have 2 hours minimum that my wife and I just us will spend time together.
Lewis: No baby though.
Cesar: No baby.
Lewis: And you were saying “Well, I want to do everything with baby because of family.”
Cesar: It was obviously my perspective or why don’t we just do that together, but it’s very important. I also had to listen to my wife in this situation if she wanted alone time and that’s important for me to hear what her wants and needs are.
Lewis: Which goes into step 2. Listening right? So, effort is number 1 you got to do thing you don’t necessarily want to do to keep it thriving.
Cesar: Of course and that’s effort not only toward yourself but also toward the other person in the relationship.
Lewis: And you’re doing something this year for yourself and taking on the L.A. marathon. So, you’re doing effort for yourself too not just putting effort into the relationship and say “I’m gonna let my health go to crap, I want to let myself go to crap.”
Cesar: That’s right I mean effort is key in any relationship. We’ve all let friendship die, we’ve all let you know business relationship kind of fade away. It’s about the effort you continue to put in and that’s gonna dictate how important or powerful that relationship stays. So, number 2 listening it is powerful because you brought up the marathon and this actually brings me to another point, you know I remember my wife came to me after I had declared to the whole team I’m gonna run the marathon in I think 7 weeks’ time and it was kind of absurd, I’m in good shape but I’m not in marathon shape so it’s gonna take a lot of time and energy to get in that shape. So my wife I remember she was asking me she goes “Well, you know do you realize how much time it takes to prepare yourself for a marathon? And so I was really trying to listen to what she said and I think what she was saying beyond worried about my health and my physical ability to be able to complete a marathon was “Do you realize how much time this potentially takes away from you and me and the family.” So in that moment I said “Well I need to obviously reassess this conversation” and then I came back and said I was going to make sure it wasn’t going to make an impact the time we’re spending together, the time that we’re spending you know as a family unit with our daughter and I’m gonna have pull myself to get up extra early and put it that extra effort into something I’m doing to myself. So in that moment I could’ve been that, yeah don’t worry about it I will figure it out and I’m going to train for this marathon and you know if I break my body a little bit I break my body a little bit. I think what I’m saying is by listening I realized there was deeper meaning there. She was worried about the time it could potentially take away from us.
Lewis: Number 2 listening, I think all these points makes sense for yourself and for the partner. Put effort into your own growth and effort into the relationship growth and to the partner, listen to your heart and listen to what your needs are and listen to your partner and the relationship and then 3rd part is.
Cesar: 3rd part is forgiveness. I’m a Christian man and I believe in the power of forgiveness that’s one of the core principles of Christianity is forgiveness. So, I think for me if we don’t forgive we allow the blanket of the upset and anger and hurt to forever cover us and it doesn’t allow us to be free.
Lewis: It holds us back, it hurts us and the partner in the relationship and you’re unable to grow if you’re holding onto anger from the past, you’re unable to focus on growth because you’re always holding onto something that’s weighing you down. So if you try to grow you’re always reminded this person and I haven’t forgiven them yet. Doesn’t mean you don’t forget what they did or something but forgiveness is not about the other person it’s about you, it’s about giving yourself peace so you can be free.
Cesar: Forgiveness is a lot easier in my opinion than forgetting. Time heals but when you forgive somebody not allowing that whatever you have to forgive that person for, not allowing that to come up and using that as ammunition in a future argument or allowing all of these things that you forgive your partner or whoever for, allowing them to come back up whenever you guys become upset or have some sort of disagreement in the present or in the future is absolutely key.
Lewis: Well, I was talking to older men they were in their 50’s and all of them were married, they’ve been married for 25 or whatever years. I was 15 or so years younger with them and I was having this conversation with them and I was listening. I felt like I was in the school of greatness just asking them question but it was like these incredible men. And they were saying what it would be like to be young again. And I said what’s the secret to having like a thriving a marriage? Is it possible to have a thriving marriage 30 to 40 years? And they all said ‘Yes’. Now they were all in different stages of their marriage: one was like to be honest it’s been suffering for a long time but we have kids and I’ve decided to like commit to it and stay in it, even though the desire isn’t there for us but I know it will be a lot worse getting out of it because I would lose my kids and everything and it’s not worth it.
Another person he was like “It’s thriving but I remember back in the day when I was in my 20’s and I was single that fun life and that newness of being with someone different and all those things like I miss that, but my family is amazing and I love my wife it’s incredible.” Another guy was like “I desire my wife more now than I did then. Every year gets better.” And I rarely hear that of someone who’s been 25 to 30 years every year it gets better and it makes me like say like this is possible for people.
Lewis: it’s possible for people to have that to find that but it’s gonna be very, relationships and marriages are very challenging even if you have all these points in place. That’s why I think it’s necessary to have this foundation that we’re talking about, it’s necessary to know what you want in your partner to make sure your partner is align to who you are and you’re align to who they are and you’re constantly growing. If you don’t have that it’s gonna be a lot more conflict than necessary. If the person has accepted you who you are and who you are becoming you wouldn’t have those conversations and that anger and that resentment and that lack of forgiveness. Then when we add your points of the effort, listening and forgiveness we add those points and if we have foundation and we add those points I believe you can have the relationship of your dreams.
Cesar: I think that’s the thriving I think.
Lewis: Thriving 25-30 years later.
Cesar: Yes. Focusing on the growth together and the effort you put toward each other and yourself you know.
Lewis: He’s a super fit guy and constantly investing and just let him go and now I’m in a relationship and take it easy. You want someone who admires you and as much as they admire you, you want to admire them. I remember asking someone else I said what’s the secret to being in a thriving relationship? He said respect.
Cesar: Of course.
Lewis: And mutual respect.
Cesar: That should be just the cornerstone of any relationship.
Lewis: Yes this is the one that I admire to like the fullest. There’s a quote that someone posted the other day that I saw I’m gonna read it by Bo Taple “The one thing I know for sure is that feelings are rarely mutual. So when they are drop everything, forget the belongings and expectations, forget the games the 2 days between texts, the hard to gets because this is it. This is what the entire world is after and you’ve stumbled upon it by chance by accident, so take a deep breath take a step forward. Now, run collide like planets in a system of a dying sun; embrace others with both arms and let all the rules, the opinions and common sense crash down around you because this is love kid and it’s all yours. Believe me you’re in for a hell of a ride after all this is the one thing I know for sure.”
Cesar: Valentine’s Day be in love.
Lewis: It is there it’s available and if you follow this, I mean if you learn from our mistakes me and Cesar have mess up a lot in our relationships but they’re not mistakes they’re lessons.
Cesar: Everyone has mistakes.
Lewis: They teach us something important, they teach us more about what we want and we don’t want so that we can get closer to an alignment of a partnership that works for our desire dreams. That’s the key keep it simple as Cesar said 3 simple things to thriving, I’ve got 3 simple thing to finding the right partner and even then there’s gonna be some messing us along the way.
Cesar: There’s a lot more it’s a lot deeper than this but we’ve got some amazing relationship experts that talked about.
Lewis: Amazing experts. We’ll have them link up on the show notes. We’ve got Esther who’s one of my favorites Matthew. If you want to listen to the experts go to those 2 episodes right now.
Cesar: Are you having fun?
Lewis: Dude I’m having a lot of fun, I’m feeling good. Life is fun, relationships are fun and relationship is about perspective they can be this scary exhausting draining dramatic thing if you want to keep dragging them on, or you can say you know what I’m grateful for everything in this past relationships and previous relationships, I’m grateful for that person I was with for what they brought out on me, for the lessons they taught me and the love we had. I’m gonna focus on the good from all my past relationships even though there’s been a lot of crazy I’m gonna focus on the good and I want the best for them because at the end of the day I would want them to wish the best for me even if they don’t. And I think if we can continue to love ourselves fully, practice patience, peace, grace, love.
Lewis: Be graceful and peaceful. Lead with love, lead with forgiveness and have an amazing Valentine’s Day.
Cesar: Be love.
Lewis: Be love with life. Love yourself love life.
Cesar: Do something different. Write something be specific.
Lewis: Write something.
Cesar: I mean talk specifically what you love about that person.
Lewis: Admire and respect about the person, show your gratitude and appreciation don’t just tear them down.
Cesar: Be specific don’t be general you know.
Lewis: Any final words Cesar?
Cesar: That’s it I think we’ve covered a lot, I mean finding love and thriving in love.
Lewis: Yes, finding and thriving in love. Let us know if you enjoyed this leave a comment on the YouTube channel, send a message to our support email at the school of greatness let us know what you enjoyed about and share this with a friend on Instagram. If you want me and Cesar to do more conversations like this, this is coffee conversation but we’re doing a relationship spin on it.
Cesar: Just a conversation.
Lewis: A couple of guys who had experiences. Any final thoughts?
Cesar: No. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Lewis: All you need is love and I love you brother I appreciate it.
Cesar: I love you too.
Lewis: There you have it my friends I hope you enjoyed this one again I want to gear your feedback, if you want more of this from me and Cesar send me a message and share this on your Instagram. Lewishowes.com/758 the more people screenshot on this podcast and share it on their Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and tag me. Real talk from real experience so let me know I love to hear your opinion and share it with a friend and think it might help.
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I love you all so very much I hope this is helpful, valuable, useful information to support you in your relationship, life, business, dreams that’s what the school of greatness is all about supporting you to reach your potential, overcome challenges and adversity and give you the tools, insights and inspiration to thrive in your life. We are here for a reason it’s your duty and responsibility to figure out what that reason is and we want to continue to support you on your journey. I love you all so very much and you know what time it is, it’s time to go out there and do something great.
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