Have you created a hard exterior to mask internal insecurities?
Today’s guest is no stranger to creating a strong and tough exterior.
Thanks to his role in Brooklyn Nine-Nine for eight seasons, Terry Crews has become a Hollywood hit. Terry’s current success might appear that his life has been smooth sailing, but Terry had to overcome both external and internal challenges to get to where he is through therapy and deep reflection.
In today’s episode, we’re discussing the recognition of childhood anger, Terry’s final push to try therapy, some lessons he learned in therapy, and why competition is the opposite of creativity.
Before the episode starts, I want to give a quick trigger warning that we discuss different forms of sexual abuse and healing from those experiences.
Let’s jump right in!
Who Is Terry Crews?
Author, action-movie hero, sitcom star, children’s book illustrator, advertising pitchman, playable video game character, talent show host, high-end furniture designer, and human rights activist all describe the man that is Terry Crews.
On top of all that, Crews has also released his memoir, Tough: My Journey to True Power, via Penguin Random House. In it, Crews chronicles the story of how he went from being a six-year-old boy with a goofy, toothless smile to being utterly selfish and angry, to a man who can finally acknowledge his own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and use his experiences to help motivate those around him.
After several years in the NFL (where he painted portraits of teammates to supplement his income) with the Los Angeles Rams, San Diego Chargers, Washington Redskins, and Philadelphia Eagles, Crews turned his talents to the performing arts.
After making that pivot in his life, his talent, hard work, character, and dedication have made him one of the most sought and respected talents in the industry.
Recognizing Childhood Anger
Terry grew up in Flint, Michigan when the auto industry imploded and was just ten years old, and around the same time the crack epidemic happened – it was a very violent time. Terry was surrounded by crime, drugs, and gangs, and felt virtually powerless. A wave of deep anger built inside to last into adulthood.
“There were smokestacks around the city, and they were burning foreign cars. I remember walking to school across a parking lot in this factory, and they’d be burning a car effigy and throwing rocks at it. It just hit me about [what] the problem was. The city was very resistant to change, but change is inevitable. And this is what I was going through.” – Terry Crews
Terry also recognizes his early years were dominated by competition. He always felt it was him against a drug dealer, a gang initiation he wanted to avoid, or even the grown men in the neighborhood challenging him as a young man. As if that wasn’t enough to stoke Terry’s anger and mad rage, he grew up with an alcoholic father.
“One of my earliest memories is him knocking my mother out. I knew that my desire to get strong, to have power, [and my] obsession with muscle even as a little kid was because I knew one day I might have to kill my father. He was unending, never bending, just constant intimidation. You never felt comfortable. You never felt like he accepted you. You always felt like something was wrong, [like] you didn’t iron your pants enough. You just always felt inadequate.” – Terry Crews
That was the mindset of many men in the culture of the city while he was growing up. It felt relentless, and because it felt like nobody was going to let you off easy — that boggled Terry’s mind. All he wanted was an answer on what to do. But nobody gave it to him.
“Just tell me what you want. And they [said], ‘One day you [are] going to find out, let me tell you one day, one day you [will] get it.’ It was only after I grew up that I realized that they didn’t know. So that was a kind of a cop-out. What does life mean? What’s the true meaning of this, and you ain’t [going] go to church for that. And the whole concept with a lot of men in that world was that church was for scared people. We’re too tough for that. We made a vow — my best friend and me — that if you find out something before I do, promise me that you’ll tell me. We literally shook on it. I’ll never forget it.” – Terry Crews
In that friend, Terry found an ally to learn, grow and find a healthier outlet for his anger. But it wasn’t until much later, though, that Terry felt he could conquer it.
The Final Push to Therapy
Terry and his wife have been married for 20 years, and the whole time he’s had a pornography addiction he never told her about. And early in their marriage, Terry cheated on her at a massage bar earlier but vowed he’d never tell anybody.
He thought that keeping it buried was the best way to handle his situation, but he underestimated the shame and rage still deep within.
“I used to get into arguments. So she’d ask me questions like, ‘do you watch porn?’ [ And I’d reply], ‘Hey, no, don’t even bring that up.’ ‘What are you talking about?’ ‘You know what, no. Listen, I don’t know who you think you are,’ and start an argument. So she’d [say], ‘I’m out.’ Just so she wouldn’t bring up more because I knew what I was doing. And I knew that I wasn’t living right. It’s almost like you tell one lie, and it turns into two, turns into 10.” – Terry Crews
During those ten years, Terry projected his secrets onto his wife in a manipulative game so that he could keep them together. Ultimately, the image of Terry Crews had become more important than who Terry Crews was.
“I had to worship that image and [my image] ran everything. I was like, ‘I’d lose everything.’ My wife would leave. People who knew me would be ashamed. Everybody would be done. All of it would be finished. I decided, ‘We gonna put this image up, and we gonna prop it up.’” – Terry Crews
Unfortunately, the longer you leave already shaky foundations, the more rickety it gets. It all fell apart in 2010, and Terry’s wife found out and wanted him gone.
“One thing about men is that what we’re looking for is intimacy. Someone who knows us inside and out and loves us anyway. But if you never reveal who you are, you can never, ever have intimacy. This is why you always love your mom. Cause your mom knows who you are. I finally went in to deal with these issues.” – Terry Crews
Where Terry grew up, nobody does therapy. In fact, the saying is, “you can’t cure crazy,” and even if you go to church, they talk about having demons. It took Terry’s wife almost leaving him to break that societal stigma for him.
“When my wife left, I was at my wit’s end. I said, ‘I gotta try this therapy stuff.’” – Terry Crews
Sometimes, it takes us to reach rock bottom to finally accept the help we need. I’ve seen the benefit of therapy in my own life, and even after I made significant gains in understanding — I kept on going to continue learning how to accept my past traumas and allow myself to grow.
