New book from NYT bestselling author Lewis Howes is now available!

New book from NYT bestselling author Lewis Howes is now available!


Lori Gottlieb

Red Flags To Watch Out For & The Key To A Healthy Relationship


Are you struggling to keep a healthy relationship?

The struggle is real when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. We all have our moments where we are exhausted, stressed, or annoyed dealing with other people. No one ever said that relationships were easy! Keeping the fire alive is hard work. But there are ways to keep your bonds strong! If you feel like your relationship is not working out as well as it should be, don’t worry because our special guest today will share some of her wisdom to help you find and maintain a healthy relationship.

Friends, welcome back to The School of Greatness. Today’s guest is a psychotherapist and a podcast host, Lori Gottlieb. That’s right, we’re back with part two of a two-part series. The first episode was so powerful that I just couldn’t stop the interview because I wanted to keep our conversation going. This is the second part of the interview, so if you haven’t checked out part one yet, make sure to go check it out because these are both incredible episodes.

In this interview, we discussed the biggest red flags to look out for in relationships. We also talked about how to improve your trust and communication with your partner, the key things healthy relationships have in common, and so much more. It’s an incredible interview about relationships, so buckle up and let the class begin.

Who Is Lori Gottlieb?

Lori Gottlieb is a New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which has sold more than a million copies worldwide and is presently being adapted as a television series for ABC. The book comes with a companion tool kit, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: The Workbook, which aims to help you change your life stories for the better so you can move forward and heal.

“I’ve always been drawn to stories — not just what happens, but how the story is told.” – Lori Gottlieb

As a psychotherapist and writer, Lori believes that our stories create the core of our lives — giving them deeper meaning — and stories are a way of telling others, “This is who I am. Can you understand me?” She blends her clinical experience with the latest cultural developments and research to help improve the lives of people.

Lori Gottlieb is also a TED speaker, and her TED Talk on “How Changing Your Story Can Change Your Life” gained more than 5 million views. She has appeared in several interviews on various popular media platforms, like CNN, Good Morning America, Dr. Phil, CBS This Morning, The Today Show, and NPR. She also appears weekly in the Dear Therapist column for The Atlantic. In this episode, Lori gave us a glimpse of her bestselling book about relationships and warns us about red flags to watch out for.

The Biggest Red Flags Women Should Look for When Entering a Relationship

When you enter into a relationship, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of it all. You might not even notice the warning signs right in front of you until it’s too late. There are some things to look out for when entering any kind of relationship, and Lori shared some of the biggest ones:

Forgetting to Listen to the Voice Within You

We all have this little voice within us that is wise and full of knowledge. We just need to learn how to listen to it. Sometimes we can be so busy with our lives, sometimes we are scared of what our little voice has to say, but whatever the reason may be, most people forget about their inner wisdom. The voice within you is very important because it’s your gut feeling, your intuition, and it can save you from making a terrible mistake or hurtful decision.

“We all have [voices] inside of us that get drowned out by all the noise out there. The bigger voice is like, ‘I really want this to work out.’ … And I really feel like, ‘You know, what happens if I give this up? What if I don’t find somebody?’ — Those are those really loud voices. There might be this really quiet voice that says, ‘I don’t think this person is the right person for me,’ Or, ‘I don’t really trust this person,’ or, ‘This person isn’t really as stable as I would like, … and I don’t like that.” – Lori Gottlieb

Sometimes the inner voices within you have conflicting ideas, leading you to seek help from other people such as your friends. In the end, you end up listening to the voices of others and forgetting your own gut feeling and intuition. While it’s good to get advice from friends, it’s still best to talk with your partner if there are issues in your relationship.

“So I think we all have this place of knowing it’s not your friend’s opinion. … I think your friends have all these opinions and then we try to like crowdsource — … you don’t have to live that life. People [would] say like, ‘Leave the guy, he’s trash. Leave him.’ And it’s like, you don’t have to live this person’s life. This person might have really good reasons why the affair didn’t break the marriage.” – Lori Gottlieb

When it comes to decisions, it’s always a battle between what people are saying against your inner voice. But you must always remember that the voices of others are only meant to guide us as we listen to our inner voice.

Don’t Broadcast to Your Friends If Someone Has an Affair

It’s easy to be angry and hurt when you find out your spouse has been cheating. The pain is well-deserved, but if you want a happy marriage, don’t broadcast it to all your friends. If the person who cheated is truly sorry for hurting you, this will only anger them and make them think that they can continue in the same vein. It may seem like a good idea at the time because it feels better to share with others who will understand how bad it hurts, but in reality, that just spreads distrust where there should only be love from both sides. 

“When someone has an affair, don’t go telling 12 of your friends right away. You need to process this — maybe go to a therapist. So, process this, but don’t go telling like 12 people, and don’t broadcast it. And don’t go on social media about this because you might actually find that you love this person and want to stay with this person, … and they (your friends) will not understand what happened. … Yes, they’re responsible for having the affair, but they’re not necessarily responsible for all the other factors that are going into this.” – Lori Gottlieb

It may feel good at the moment to tell the world and broadcast to your friends how your partner cheated on you, but this only closes the door to future reconciliation. If you truly value your relationship, give yourself enough time to process everything. Seek help from relationship experts to assist you in paving the path to forgiveness and the repair process. Don’t give up on your relationship just because of one mistake. When you look back at the many good things the person did in the past, you may realize that the relationship is still worth keeping and deserves to have another chance.

“People should come from the perspective of curiosity not criticism.” @LoriGottlieb1  

Keys to a Healthy Relationship

A relationship is a two-way street. Every day, both people in the relationship have to put in their best effort for it to work. It takes time and patience to build up trust and intimacy with your partner, but once you achieve that, there’s no place you’d rather be than right by their side.  When you’re dating someone new or you’ve been in your relationship for years, here are some keys to remember.

Be Gentle

Relationships are hard. It can be difficult to maintain a connection with someone who doesn’t understand you, or who’s not on the same page as you in terms of goals and values. However, it is possible! You just need to have patience and be gentle to the other person in the relationship.

“What is the secret to successful relationships? … This is it: Being able to know that if you go to your partner with something that feels delicate, that they won’t smash it, that they won’t drop it. … Think of it as like something really fragile and delicate. … You have to be really gentle. Be really gentle when your partner’s handing you something delicate. … There’s going to be a lot of loneliness in that relationship because people are going to go into their own silos.” – Lori Gottlieb

The key to achieving this kind of success is being gentle with your partner. That doesn’t mean you should let them walk all over you or that you are too afraid to voice your opinion when they are wrong — just don’t be harsh or argumentative about things that really don’t matter. Showing patience and understanding will help keep any disagreement from escalating into full-blown arguments, which everyone knows just leads to resentment and anger later on down the line.

Take Care of Your Own Healing

It’s easy to fall in love, but it’s not always easy to find the balance. It takes two people to make a relationship work. One person is not enough. We have to take care of our own healing and learn how to be happy with ourselves before we can truly love another person unconditionally. When you are your most authentic self, then you will attract someone who sees that greatness in you too.

“Take care of your own healing. Do the work. Don’t expect someone else to do it for you. Do the work and bring that work to the relationship.” – Lori Gottlieb

The most important thing in a relationship is you. You have to take care of yourself and your own needs first in order to be a good partner. When we are too focused on our partners, it leaves us with nothing for ourselves. A relationship should be about partnership and balance — one person can’t be the main focus all the time! In order to have a successful and happy life together, both people must maintain themselves as individuals that can then come together as equals in their marriage or partnership.

Why You Should Listen to This Lori Gottlieb Podcast Episode Right Now…

Guys, this interview is full of words of wisdom from Lori Gottlieb. Listen to the full episode for more from our special guest, and don’t forget to check out part one of this interview at Episode 1190: Dating is Hard: Why Forgiveness Isn’t Always the Answer. In the first part of our conversation, Lori talked about how to better understand your partner, how to break unhealthy cycles from your childhood, the main traits of a narcissist, the common myths around how to truly forgive someone, and so much more.

Follow Lori on social media. She’s on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Check out her website as well to get more wisdom from her. You may also subscribe to her newsletter and get access to the different episodes of Dear Therapist podcast with Lori Gottlieb and Guy Winch.

Thank you so much for listening and I hope you enjoyed today’s episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. If you know anyone in a relationship, looking to get in a relationship, or struggling and wanting to improve their relationship, then send them a link to this episode right now. They will be inspired by Lori’s message.

To conclude our interview, I asked Lori for her definition of greatness:

“Greatness is like a feeling of peace. I think it’s a feeling of peace, but not in a kind of a way just for you, but I think like making peace for other people in the world. [Greatness is] that you’re offering peace, that you’re creating a way for people to find peace, [and] that you navigate through the world in a way that creates peace for other people.” – Lori Gottlieb

Greatness is a feeling of peace. It’s the moment when you feel truly alive and connected to others and everything around you. When your mind stops racing with all the things you have to do and instead focuses on one thing at a time. That’s greatness — that quiet moment in between thoughts where nothing else matters but what is happening right now. Greatness isn’t something reserved for some. Instead, it can be experienced by anyone who dares to let go of their inhibitions and embrace this world as it really is: beautiful, peaceful, and perfect in its own way! So don’t wait another day to find your inner greatness.

Now, I want to remind you if no one’s told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter! Do you know what time it is? It’s time to go out there and do something great.


To Greatness,

Lewis Howes - Signature

“It doesn’t make you less of a person if you have compassion, but not forgiveness.” @LoriGottlieb1  

Some Questions I Ask:

  • When do you know that your partner understands you?
  • How do you talk kindly to your younger self?
  • How do we get to a place of fully trusting our partner?
  • How do we go about the conversation when you need space from your partner?
  • How do we start changing the culture around masculine vulnerability?

In this episode, you will learn:

  • The biggest red flags to look out for in relationships.
  • How to improve your trust and communication with your partner.
  • Why it’s dangerous to rely on your partner to make you happy.
  • The key things healthy relationships have in common.
  • Plus much more…
Connect with
Lori Gottlieb

Transcript of this Episode

Music Credits:


Kaibu by Killercats

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