New book from NYT bestselling author Lewis Howes is now available!

New book from NYT bestselling author Lewis Howes is now available!


Tracy McMillan

Love Yourself First

“The most important relationship you can have is with yourself."

Sometimes, we repeatedly attract the same kind of person into our life who does more harm than good.

When we see this type of harmful pattern, we have to ask ourselves, “What is it about about me that is attracting someone like that?”

You can continue to blame others for your relationship woes, or you can start to look within yourself.

On this episode of 5-Minute Friday, I wanted to revisit a conversation I had with Tracy McMillan where she explains the importance of loving yourself.

Tracy has a fascinating history and background, including 16 years in a TV newsroom, writing the 4th most viewed article on Huffington Post, and being a dating coach on a TV Show.

But beyond that, Tracy came from a really tough background and has used her life experiences as the base for all of her perspectives and wisdom.

No matter what your relationships look like right now, I’m excited for you to hear Tracy’s wisdom on Episode 684.

“Love is Everywhere. You can tune into it or not.”  

Some Questions I Ask:

In this episode, you will learn:

  • How loving yourself can change your life (1:10)
  • The thing men need more of (2:34)
  • What’s Tracy thinks is wrong with the show The Bachelor (3:50)
  • Why you’re attracted to the wrong person (4:07)
  • Tracy’s definition of love (4:50)
  • Plus much more…

Show Notes:

Connect with
Tracy McMillan

Transcript of this Episode

Lewis Howes:                 This is 5-Minute Friday!!

Our guest is Tracy McMillan. She is a relationship expert, author, television writer, and matchmaker on NBC’s Ready For Love.

She is known for the 2011 viral blog post Why You’re Not Married, which, for two years, was the most viewed article on Huffington Post and is the fourth most read post of all time. She also won the 2010 Writer’s Guild of America Award for the dramatic series, ‘Mad Men’, and she’s a TEDx speaker as well.

* * *

Tracy McMillan:              That was the beginning of my, “Okay, I’m going to take care of me.” And I wrote this script that I didn’t know anything was going to happen with it, and it got me an agent. I started writing television, I sold a book, all these things started to happen in my life, after I came to that place.

After that third husband, cheated and then left, I was, like, “Tracy, I love you. It doesn’t matter if he left, doesn’t matter if he’s dating a twenty-year-old. It doesn’t matter. You are worthy.” So, as I practiced that, one day at a time, practice, practice, practice, I took all these actions in line with somebody who feels like she’s worthy.

I finished the thing, I sat down and wrote every day, I did these things and things started to happen. And I remember I was on United States of Tara, I  was a television writer, I had been writing TV for probably two and a half years, and this house comes back on the market, and I bought that house by myself, with my own money, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t sit in my house and go, “I love my house!”

I’ll take out the garbage and I’ll see that my house is all lit up and I’ll be like, “I love my house!” And sometimes I just want to go back in the house, get some more garbage and take it out so I can go, “Oh! My house!” Because that’s what it feels like when you take care of yourself, when you are loving yourself, it feels super good.

And when you start to make relationships from that place, they are entirely different relationships. So, if I could say anything to American women, it’s really about knowing the most important relationship you’re having is with yourself, and that anything you want a man or a job or an outfit to do for you, you really can do.

Lewis Howes:                 So, what do you think is something that all men should have more of?

Tracy McMillan:              Self-love.

Lewis Howes:                 So, is it self-worth, or self-love for women?

Tracy McMillan:              I think it’s the same thing. Men need the same thing, because, you know, I had a friend once, who felt like, “Women are gold diggers and they all just want duh-duh-duh…” Well, if you’re a man with self-worth, that gold digger woman is not attractive to you.

Lewis Howes:                 No, you’re not even looking at her.

Tracy McMillan:              You’re not even looking at her. But the truth was that he was into big boobs. And the gold digger girls are like, “I’m going to go buy some big boobs.” Because the gold digger girl is a match for the big-boob-loving man.

It’s like, if a man treats a woman like an object, he’s going to find a woman who treats him like an object.

Lewis Howes:                 And treats herself like an object, yeah.

Tracy McMillan:              And treats herself like an object. And treats him like an object, because men can be objectified.

Lewis Howes:                 “To get what I want.”

Tracy McMillan:              Exactly, and when a woman is just like, this is what you see a lot on The Bachelor; you see a lot of objectification. The girls objectify themselves, and then they objectify the man, and they’re like, “I’m going to get that thing.”

There’s no friendship, there’s no loving, it’s about acquisition.

Lewis Howes:                 There’s no abundance.

Tracy McMillan:              Yeah, it’s about acquisition. So, men have to really come from a place of self-love as well, or they are going to open… It’s like, when people are, like, “Men love bitches.” No, that’s like saying women love bad boys. Yes, women with low self-esteem love bad boys. Men with low self-esteem love bitches.

But if you love yourself…

Lewis Howes:                 You’re not going to put up with that. Yeah, I love it.

Tracy McMillan:              Yeah! You’re just like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not a match for that.” And, frankly, people know what they’re looking for, we’re mammals, that’s what I always say, we’re mammals, so people know on a very unconscious, animal level, what you’re about.

And, that quick, they’ll sit across the room from you and be like, “Okay, this person I can do my game on, that person I cannot,” you know what I mean?

Lewis Howes:                 Oh, right, right. Subconsciously, as you say, they’ll just know it.

Tracy McMillan:              We are supercomputers.

Lewis Howes:                 Interesting. What’s your definition of love?

Tracy McMillan:              Yeah, well, I have so many. Love, to me, the biggest definition is, it’s like that pervasive force that is everywhere, and that when you tune in to it, you’re in it. And it can be extrapolated in any direction, it could be in your work, it could be walking down the street, it could be in a love relationship, like a sexual relationship, it could be between parent and child, so there’s just this thing that is there, and it’s always there, it’s everywhere, and you can tune in to it. Or not.

So, when you tune in to that, you’re in love.

Lewis Howes:                 Right.

* * *

Lewis Howes:                 Hey, guys! If you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you’ll love the free book I’m giving away right now. It’s called The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at and just pay shipping.

Again, check it out right now,

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