One of my favorite guests I’ve had on this show is Jordan Harbinger from The Art of Charm.
Previously, he gave great advice on how to leave the right first impression. It turns out, it’s not made through what we say.
So little of the impression we give off is through our words. Our body language says so much more than anything that comes out of our mouths.
This 5-Minute Friday will give you tips to build your confidence and create the impression you want on Episode 582.
Lewis Howes: This is 5-Minute Friday!!
You know, a lot of times I get people reaching out to me and saying that they’re struggling with their life or their business. They tell me different things that are holding them back, the challenges to make more money, challenges in their relationships, challenges with their family. And so, today, we’re covering about how to build self-confidence, with Jordan Harbinger.
Jordan Harbinger: One of the common misconceptions is that our first impressions that we make on other people are the first thing that we say, or the first interaction that we have, and that sounds reasonable, when you’re thinking about making a good first impression with people in general. However, what we know from science and I’ll back up and prove this, real quick, is that our first impression when we open our mouth, it’s made when we become a blip on the other person’s radar.
And so, what I mean by that is, our perception of other people, and this is Evolutionary Psychology 101 here, is that we do snap judgements of people based on what we see. And we have to do that, it’s a safety thing. Women are ten thousand times better at this than men. (That’s not a scientific measurement.) Because they have a safety question that is just the elephant in the room every time.
Lewis Howes: “Is that person safe to be around?”
Jordan Harbinger: Is that person safe, right. Whereas you and I, I only think about that when it’s face tattoos and serious dark alley type stuff. And even then, if I’m in a movie theatre and there’s a guy who’s 6’6″ and has face tattoos, I’m like, “Hey man! Pass the popcorn!” I don’t care, right? But if I’m outside at night in Hollywood or something like that, then it’s a different story. But for those perceptions that we make, they’re made completely non-verbally.
And you can test that just by going out for a walk right now and then, or maybe after the show, go out for a walk and see when you make a judgement of the next people that you see. And it’s going to be before you talk to them. Unless they sneak up on you. In which case you got other issues. But the reason this is important is because, since we’re making those judgements the second we see people and it’s happening at a subconscious level in our brain, that means that our first impressions are always made non-verbally.
And so, this is really, really important. Because people who spend a lot of time thinking, “What do I say? How do I start this conversation? What do I do to approach this person and get them to like me?” That all becomes far less relevant.
Lewis Howes: It’s not as much important about what you say, or even how you’re saying it, it’s more about who you’re being in the way you’re saying it and beforehand. Right?
Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, exactly. It becomes far less relevant to the actual connection that you have with that person. And so, what we try to do is create positive first impressions that we now know have to be non-verbal, and they have to be positive, they have to be open and they have to make sense. And they have to portray the intent that we have, which is, hopefully, positive, friendly, open, loving, whatever positive adjective you want to throw in there.
Lewis Howes: Right. So, what’s the drill then?
Jordan Harbinger: So, the drill is, I call this the Doorway Drill, it’s kind of an Art of Charm staple. And what this is, is that when you are confident, you naturally are upright. Like, you basically just did this. Upright, open body language, smile on your face, chin up ideally, chest back, or at least, chest forward, shoulders back. You don’t have to be like, you know, Superman pose or anything. Those power-posing things have kind of been, those studies are hard to replicate, I’ll put it that way.
But if we remember what we look like in this position and we’re doing this socially and this is how we feel positive, loving, open-hearted I think is the word that you used. If we do that every time we walk through a doorway, we no longer have to do this manually. Because, what a lot of people do, is they go, “Oh good, right! Open, tall, positive body language. Put a smile on my face. That’s going to work next time I go into a place and start a conversation.”
But the problems crop up when you’re trying to do what we just talked about, what you just talked about, and you’re trying to remember to do that at all times. Not going to happen. It’s kind of like telling yourself, “Remember to notice things.” It’s an impossible task, right? You can’t do it. You can’t be mindful of your verbal and non-verbal communication and still stay present in a conversation. It’s too many things for your brain to concentrate on with different parts at the same time. It’s very difficult. I don’t know anybody who’s good at it and still looks natural doing it.
So we have to relegate the positive, open, friendly non-verbal communication to the level of habit. And the way that we do that is with the Doorway Drill. Doing that upright, shoulders back, chest up, chin up, smile on your face, every time you walk through a doorway even in your own house. When we have that, when you have that posture going, I don’t know, I should count how many times I walk through a doorway and I’ll tell you, to illustrate my earlier point.
I’ve tried to count in a day, how many times I walk through a doorway, but you can’t because you just can’t remember to count every time you walk through a doorway. Just like you can’t remember to straighten up, put your shoulders back every time you have a conversation. It’s impossible. You’re not going to do it. You need to make it a habit.
If you do it every time you walk through a doorway, let’s say you walk through a doorway a hundred times in an average day in your office or your house, you will eventually have the habit of having upright, positive, non-verbal communication. And you got to do it every day, because, I just got off a plane. I’ve been sitting like this for two hours. You got to reset. And you have to constantly reset, every time you sit up, stand up, whatever.
This is great, because if you do this, and you relegate this and you create this habit over time, when you walk downstairs to Starbucks, or when you go to that networking event, or when you go to that next meeting, it’s automatic. And then you can focus on your verbal communication, which is so much more difficult for us, to stay present in a conversation, think about, “Alright, what am I trying to do with this conversation? Where do I want this to go? What am I going to say next?”
That’s a whole different set of, I would say, skills / problems of self management and self actualisation and authoring that get us past that. However, to not then worry about your non-verbal communication is so powerful.
Lewis Howes: Hey guys! If you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you’ll love the free book I’m giving away right now, and it’s called, The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com.