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Neil Strauss

Don't Let Your Past Define You


Knowledge is not enough.

We can know what we’re doing isn’t good for us in the long run.

We can know that we have weaknesses in certain areas.

We can know that we have stored up pain and anxiety.

But what do we do with that knowledge?

You have to work through your past issues and trauma so that you stop repeating harmful patterns.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

For this 5-Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Neil Strauss where he shared how he went from being a “pick up artist” to someone capable of having a fulfilling romantic relationship.

Neil Strauss is a seven-time New York Times best-selling author. In his latest book, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, Strauss dives deep into the worlds of sex addiction, non-monogamy, infidelity, and intimacy, and explores the hidden forces that cause people to choose each other, stay together, and break up.

Neil says that learning humility was key to helping him grow as a person. He had to admit to himself that he was smart but didn’t know everything.

Learn how to heal from your past trauma and keep evolving in Episode 801.

“All the bad messaging you got growing up is like a cancerous ball attached to the heart with an elastic band.” @NeilStrauss  

Some Questions I Ask:

In this episode, you will learn:

  • What was driving Neil to become a pickup artist (2:00)
  • The three things Neil learn in therapy (3:00 )
  • About Somatic Experiencing (4:00 )
  • Plus much more…
Connect with
Neil Strauss

Transcript of this Episode

Lewis: This is 5-Minute Friday!!

Neil Strauss is a 7-time best-selling author. His books ‘the game’ ‘the rules of the game’ for which he went undercover in the secret society of pickup artist for 2 years made him an international celebrity and an accidental hero to men around the world, and both books top the NYT best-seller list and number 1 on Amazon.

Now in his follow up book that came out just now called ‘the truth: an uncomfortable truth about relationships.’

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Neil: So, I started to learn about ‘okay, what are the forces unknown, unconscious hidden forces operating on me that made me made this decision?’ largely having a depressed controlling mother and parents in a bad relationship. You know my dad who kind of gave up so similar it’s insane. I started to learn on that, but here’s the crazy part I learned all about the fears of intimacy I had, the fears of being controlled, the fears of being smothered, the idea of, kind of, to take care of someone and resent them for a choice I made. And then when I told that story earlier about her and I broke up because [?] that happened after I learned everything about myself.

The thing is [?] is so strong that the knowledge enough, it’s like when somebody said, “Oh, I’m gonna stop dating jerks or stop dating people like this.” You’re like wait you’re not in a relationship with the same person again.

Lewis: Yeah.

Neil: So, I went to some super deep that I highly recommend to everybody the healing trauma emotional work that really sort of just we talk about those connections in the box, those stories that we build up. So, I went really, first thing was humility I accept that because smart as I am I know nothing I’m just messing everything up.

Lewis: Yeah.

Neil: And just say I know nothing and let go all my logic is not gonna help me. You know the 2nd thing is not getting on anyone else. You know well she’s doing this, she’s doing that I had to just accept all the responsibility. And then the 3rd thing was to just treat this thing I took out of the book and I’ll say it here that I thought, whether we think of them as trauma as a psychologist may say or variable of you. I think all of that stuff is all that bad message growing up you know as a sort of like a cancerous ball attached by the heart by an elastic band. If you get rid of that you can actually see reality and get out of your story and be in a pretty accepting happy place. And so what I did is I kept stretching with every pair possible, I kept stretching that elastic band till eventually it just sort of, I won’t say snap it got so weak that it got over me.

So, there’s something called somatic experiencing which about releasing, it’s almost like you think about when someone dies in a house with unfinished business when they haunt the house the business is finished, that’s like maybe the stuff in your body that’s a lot of whatever the stored up pain and sadness and anxiety. And again seeing parents fight is not a good feeling to have and that’s all locked in there, and they do things that kind of unlock and release it after all this time. So, that was good there’s a lot of programs where you sort of really unpack this stuff and do a lot of heavy emotional work through this stuff and it’s life changing like there’s a moment and you can step outside your own head of the box and see the world as it is not as you think it is.

Lewis: Hey guys if you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show then you’ll love the free book I’m giving away right now It’s called the millionaire morning and it includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at the and just pay shipping, again check it out right now the

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