Do you find yourself wishing for better people skills? Maybe even contemplating how to become a master negotiator?
Well, today’s episode is a special one as we hear two experts in their field share some of their best tips to understand people better and build rapport.
As human beings, we are social creatures, which means understanding how we communicate is one of the most important parts of our lives. That’s why this week I’m bringing together two extraordinary moments from interviews I’ve done with former FBI negotiator, Chris Voss, and former Secret Service Agent, Evy Poumpouras.
In the first section, you’ll hear from Chris Voss as we discussed the formula to get people to do things for you because they feel like it, a role-playing exercise that you can do with a friend to practice negotiation, the importance of intention before beginning a negotiation, how not to burn bridges when a negotiation goes south, and which hostage negotiation tactics Chris uses on a daily basis. Not only that, but Evy will share tips on how to spot whether someone is telling the truth or a lie. Let’s go!
Who Is Chris Voss?
During Chris’s 24-year tenure in the FBI, he was trained in the art of negotiation by not only the FBI but also Scotland Yard and Harvard Law School. He has used his many years of experience in international crises and high-stakes negotiations to develop a unique program and team that applies these globally proven techniques to the business world.
Chris has a book called, Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.
A Wall Street Journal best-seller, the book takes you inside the world of high-stakes negotiations and into Voss’s head, revealing the skills that helped him and his colleagues succeed where it mattered most: saving lives. In this practical guide, he shares the nine effective principles you too can use to become more persuasive in both your professional and personal life.
Let’s jump right in!
How to Become a Better Negotiator
Chris believes the number one thing you can learn to do and practice with friends to become a better negotiator is always getting the other person to say two magic words: “That’s right.”
“[Getting someone to say those two words] means you must summarize where they’re coming from. So if you have a point you want to make, you’re not allowed to make your point [but rather summarize what they’ve just said and get them to say ‘that’s right’].” – Chris Voss
Chris says you can use this technique with critics too. When someone criticizes you, understand that it’s an attack, but know that they’ve been hurt and are struggling themselves. Our typical defense mechanism means that the normal way we’d respond would most likely just make them feel worse with our response. It’s hard being under attack and responding with kindness, which is why Chris says we need to practice.
“[Always] summarize their point of view [first] and the other person’s wound [no matter the situation] — whether any type of business deal, relationship, buying coffee, [getting an] upgrade, whatever it is. [It makes them feel seen,] and then after that, you can make your point.” – Chris Voss
Using the upgrade at a hotel is a great way to understand what a natural response to asking for something for free would be. Instead of hiding from it, Chris suggests diving straight into how they would feel.
“Walk up and go, ‘Hey, I know I seem like just another jerk trying to get something for free, somebody who treats you like you’re their servant, somebody who doesn’t care about you.’ [Think about] how you articulate what they’re thinking — especially the negative stuff about you — and when you say that, they’re going to say, ‘No, no, no, no, no, no.’ What you did was you woke them up and snapped them out of the negative loop in their head.” – Chris Voss
Being able to recognize how most other people treat the person you’re dealing with enables you to build empathy and demonstrate an understanding of how tiresome it must be. Remember though: Your tone, body language, and how you speak will alert them to whether what you say is genuine or not. Mastering this technique will take practice.
What about when you’ve been doing all of this perfectly, but a negotiation starts to turn bad? Chris advises us on how to exit a negotiation that no longer serves our best interests.
How to Avoid Burning Bridges
Sometimes a business negotiation starts off with two excited parties, but as it progresses things aren’t working out the way you hoped they would. Nobody wants to walk away in a manner that burns bridges, but if you feel like you’ve taken advantage of, how can you walk away and leave the other person feeling good? Chris walks us through what we can say in this instance.
“‘This isn’t working for me and I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t do it anymore. My problem here has been that I like you, I’ve always liked you, and the stuff we’ve done together successfully has been phenomenal. I would like nothing better than, at some time in the future, for us to be able to get back to that. But right now, in order to preserve the memories of the positive things we’ve done, I’m out now.’” – Chris Voss
It’s a sequence where first you explain that it’s time to stop what you’re doing right now, but you do it in a way that sets the stage for future dealings. Chris emphasizes here that it’s important to finish positively.
“The last two sentences [will] ring in [their] ears over and over because your brain always goes back to the last impression. ‘How did that make you feel at the end?’ I make you feel valued, and you appreciate the fact that I walked away without calling you names — but I walked away.” – Chris Voss
Most of the time, people create a situation at the end that becomes a battle for the last word — and the last word is a cheap shot.
When your goal is to resolve things and have a great relationship, remember what you said at the beginning of your interaction, but it’s even more important to reiterate it at the end. The goal is always to have a great relationship, so if the current dynamic isn’t great, walk away now. Make sure that the other party understands that at any point in time if the relationship becomes collaborative again, you can go back to working together. It changes the dynamic and leaves the door open.
Now it’s time for part two where we hear from Evy Poumpouras.
