Podcast

What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving, Vulnerable, Free Man

231 comments

familyI was 5 years old when he raped me.

The only other memories I had before that vivid experience was my first day at Kindergarden where I colored in an outline of Clifford The Big Red Dog.

The other was taking brownies to pre school for classmates on my birthday.

However, what I experienced after one school day with the teenage son of my babysitter, I may never forget.

I don’t have any other memories before this of my older brother Chris playing his violin, my dad throwing me in the air, or my mom holding me as I cry to sleep.

This picture with my two inspiring and compassionate older sisters Katherine and Heidi, is not a memory either.

I wish I remembered that moment.

Then 2 or 3 years old.  Long flowing golden locks and a smile as wide as the ocean.  Trusting everything and everyone with my huge open heart.

I loved people.

All I ever wanted was people and the world to love me back.

For 25 years I lived in anger, resentment and defensiveness.

And it showed up big time, especially in sports.

No one knew what happened or why I was that way because I was so ashamed of it and though if anyone knew they wouldn’t love me.

To say I felt lonely growing up would be an understatement.  There were many days I told people I wish I were dead due to the shame I felt.

I never understood why this would happen to me, an innocent child who just wanted to love everyone.

Why would someone take this innocence and abuse it emotionally and physically?

It wasn’t until 25 years after that day I started to open up about it.

Facing it was one of the most uncomfortable and emotionally challenging moments I’ve ever had… but it changed my life forever.

In this episode I dive into what happened, the weight I carried for so long and the lessons I learned along the way.

##

I’m so grateful for every experience in my life, including this one, for the lessons it has taught me.  I want to thank my dear friend Jonathan Fields for guiding me during this interview and creating a space for me to share so openly.  You are a generous soul and a healer of hearts.

My friend Chris Lee, who created the opportunity for me to face this in the first place.  Thank you for the dedicated work you continue to do.  You and your humble service are a gift to this world.

Glennon Melton.  You are a graceful angel.  Thank you for your encouragement to share this openly and freely.

My family and close friends I shared this with personally.  Your tender love and acceptance when I finally shared with you allowed me to feel safe again with my child like innocence.  You mean the world to me.

I want the comments section below to be a safe place for you to share openly and free of judgment.  Do you know someone who has experienced sexual abuse or have you experienced this yourself?  What have you done to go through a healing process?  Or are you still holding onto something that isn’t serving you?

I’m here to listen, love and accept you no matter what. If you prefer to share anonymously or message me privately I’m here as well.

I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter, but I do know it’s worth a lot to share your experience with someone to allow healing to occur.  There is also a great charity that has a free support line to do this as well at RAINN.org along with other information and statistics on rape and sexual abuse (as it’s way more common than you think).  And one that is just for men at 1in6.org.

I also recommend listening to Dr. Guy Winch and his talk about healing emotional injuries.

Thank you for allowing me to share publicly with you my story.  I’m so grateful even if you took a moment to read any part of this post.

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215 comments
kplog
kplog

I recently found out my boyfriend was raped 5 years ago, long before i met him.

I really want to help and try to get it settled and help him move on.

 But it's such a long time ago, and though he talks about it now, I don't know how i should encourage him to tell me everything, and though i try to tell him it's not his fault, there was nothing he could do, and that i love him just as much as i alway did, I sometimes find it hard to figure out what i can say to make him feel better, or to help him open up.


Does anyone have an advice?? How would a professional psychologist handle this? All i want is that he talks to me so i can help him get better. Something in particular i should say, ask or avoid??

gunboyrob
gunboyrob

@kplog First, please be aware you can't fix this for him. No one can. If he is not ready and willing to talk about it, please do not push for it or even mention it. Its his thing to own in privacy until he's ready to do otherwise. Pushing before he's ready will result in nothing but negative/destructive reactions.

If you found out about this by any means other than by his own words, I'd be super respectful about his privacy. His keeping this a "secret" is what keeps him able to function...but it can also be his undoing as time goes on. 

Prosecuting the perpetrator, confronting him/her, any of that. It HAS to be kept all up to him.


I'm trying to say this in the most caring manner, but it may not read that way.


You are not a therapist...and you cannot be HIS therapist, so do not try.  It never works out well. If and when he chooses to discuss this with you, just be there for him if you care about him.  Don't try to fix it! I'll say that again....don't try to fix it/him. You can't.


Don't hand him a book...or a therapist's phone number. He knows how to Google.


Be the very impressive friend you have shown yourself to be already. You clearly care very much about him.

kplog
kplog

@gunboyrob @kplog I did find out because he told me about it, I just would like to know how a therapy session works. What things do people discuss, etc. I don't want to make awkward silence or cause him to feel he can't talk to me :-/

lostnotfound
lostnotfound

Its very hard for me to speak about my rape. I was raised in a wealthy town where everyone is "perfect" and anything less was unacceptable to both the community and my family. So from a young age I learned to bottle things in and put on a smile. So when I confided in my step-mother about the rape and she ignored me, I wasn't surprised. After that it took me years to talk to anyone. I had just turned 15 years old, I had been in a relationship for a year. I was in love, obsessed, totally infatuated. I loved him, and so when he raped me I didn't want to call it rape, even though I knew what he had done. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, and I'm sure a lot of you know that that's hardly ever the truth. I stayed with him for five years being emotionally and sexually abused. At some point I stopped saying no and stopped fighting, and that's where my guilt begun and continues to this day. Yes, he raped me. But I always have this nagging feeling that I should have done more. I know now as an adult that he in a way brainwashed me, had control over me in every aspect. He would tell me what to wear in the mornings, tell me to lose weight even though I was already thin, he took me from my friends and family. This person took a part of me and I don't know how to get that back. Going home for break is difficult, seeing him drive down my street or seeing him at the country club. I wish I could just shout to everyone what he did, take him to court, make him feel as miserable as I have; but at the same time I don't want that at all. All I want is closure. I want to have a regular fight with my fiancee and not feel fear, I want to shake this feeling that I did something wrong or that I didn't fight hard enough, I want to accept that I did what I knew to do to make it through at that point. I guess I'm posting on here because I don't want this burden anymore but I'm not sure how to let go of it. 

gunboyrob
gunboyrob

@lostnotfound I wish I could make it all better man! I really do! All I can do right now is to say I believe you and let you know that you are not alone in any way.  I URGE you to seek help in some of the ways I found to be life-saving.


WEB: malesurvivor.org (a never-ending depth of resource and help)

Book: Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

Jackaltar
Jackaltar

I started trauma therapy today. 30+ years after being sexually abused by my grandfather and raped by my brother at 10yrs old.

It was tough. Beyond overwhelming and traumatic. My body shook as my therapist led me back to embrace the broken little girl inside me...

What I struggle with the most is the.complete denial from my family. The injustice. My family has all but disowned me. They protect my brother. Even though he was proven as a perpetrator when my younger cousin shared a similar story about him at a family wedding almost a decade ago. Only weeks ago my dad said "It's sad you blame your brother for the injustices you feel". Wtf? I guess that's coz I'm adopted (found out at 17... I just turned 40) and he is his real son....

I'm so angry. How do I get justice? I self destruct whilst he gets to live a happy carefree life, supported our 'family', whilst I get shunned into the crazy box.

I want to scream. I want to go to his workplace and inform everyone that he's not this respectable nice guy. HE'S A RAPIST. HE RAPED HIS SISTER AND SCREWED UP HER LIFE AND HIS COUSIN'S . HE IS VILE.

How do I get the justice I seek...?

And don't give me airy fairy BS about working on myself.

I want him to pay for what he's done to me and my beautiful cousin....

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Jackaltar One of the problems with all abuse is that Justice is optional.  Some people get it, other's don't.  there's a variety of factors at play and some of it is just luck.  Unless you have a lawyer or prosecutor who is pushing this for you, I think you may want to give up on the idea of traditional justice.  So where does that leave you?  I have my doubts about therapy at this point, but I don't know your situation.  You don't seem like someone who wants to relive her childhood.  You are looking at in third person and it's just plain painful to watch.  So why do it?  there's a difference between reliving an experience and sharing it.  Maybe the later is where you should focus?  You probably can't help your 10 year old self, but maybe you can help another 10 year old.  I know you aren't there yet, but everything happens for a reason - even this.  Some people come into your life to make part of it so horrible that you go in a different direction.  Unfortunately most victims stay in the same place and want to unring the bell.  They don't go in the direction life sent them.  A life well lived is the only justice.  

Jackaltar
Jackaltar

Robertblongley

Did you write the above article?

I'm curious. I look forward to you sharing some information on your credentials before I respond to you..

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Jackaltar   Yes I wrote the post.  Not sure what you are l looking for in the way of credentials.  I don't have a bunch of initials after my name, but I have testified at a legislative session, done several interviews and written a book for parents of child sexual abuse victims.  I've also spent 15 years building case management systems for both victim and offender populations.  I have a blog for parents of sexual abuse victims and I'm a life coach, among other things.  As the parent of a victim I sat through 48 court appearances over 4 years and the stress almost killed me.  I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I've been to over the years.   Hope that helps clarify my point of view.

annadie
annadie

I was raped by my uncle from 5 to 7. I hate myself for it. It's been 19 years and I still feel dirty and like I cant be loved or love. I have a 15 month old and a man who love me. But all I have is a need to turn my rape consensual and postpartum depression. I just want to die! I don't know how to cope.

alyssah
alyssah

@Scaredandconfused

Advice go to see a therapist. There are a lot of therapists that will be able to help and guide you. You don't have to forgive him. you don't have to prosecute him. you don't have to do ANYTHING! 

I was molested as a kid and sexually assaulted later in life.. also physically/sexually assaulted by my cousin. I haven't pressed charges on them. I won't press charges on them. I am angry at them. they hurt me and i'll never forgive them, but after a lot of therapy, i've gotten better. I can now say that i was victimized. I can also say that i've been aggressive sexually and recognize that is because i was reliving the assault. a therapist can really help you! and they can help you now. many people do not understand sexual assault. I hope that you will reach out to someone. The best place to go would be a Domestic Violence shelter or outreach. 

Scaredandconfused
Scaredandconfused

I don't know what to do.

I was consistently raped by my brother for three years when I was only 6 years old. The situation was badly dealt with and nothing was done. Now, ten years later I still suffer everyday due to his monstrosity of an act. I'm scared and he jokes about rape now. I don't know what to do, because now I fear that one day he may do it again and I would never be able to live with myself if that was the case. On the other hand I do not want to ruin his life, he just got into law school, but what he did was rape and somehow I'm the only one who paid for it. Please please please, I'm begging all of you, help.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Scaredandconfused You know what? YOU have so much greater consideration for HIM than HE has for YOU!!! You owe him NOTHING! HE owes you more than he can ever repay.  If you have an ounce of love for him, maybe you can forgive him if he asks for forgiveness. Maybe you can forgive him if even if he does not ask for it from you...but you owe him nothing. So don't worry about "ruining his life," because he really did not care one lousy hoot about ruining your life, mental health, your sex-life, married-life, self regard, self esteem, etc.


Law school? Sorry, but this guy ought not be going to Law School.  He does not qualify to be a lawyer. The only reason he has not been refused admission is because he has not yet been prosecuted for this MOST heinous crime against a CHILD!!!  He needs to at least resign his admission, else you might want to save this world from a monster occupying such a position. That's up to you, but just because he got into school, does not mean he should be there.


Let him experience some "being a man" for a change. Give him a chance to be accountable. He'll never be able to "make things right," but he can sure stand in judgement but our society's court.


Don't do this alone. Get someone on your side and deal with this as you can and as you wish...but YOU come first, and YOU are the ruler over your life from here-on.

Has he even asked for forgiveness once? Ever?

swellscarter
swellscarter

@Scaredandconfused 

If you do nothing about what your brother did, he will do it again and again. And once he gets into law school he will then learn how to beat the system. I know this because I have dealt with this and many other situations that have gone unrecognized.

You did nothing wrong, and making him accountable is not wrong, it is sometimes freeing and sometimes difficult. But you have friends out here and where you are...your not alone...

All draw
All draw

When I was 10 and my sister was 13, she'd just finished sex ed and decided she wanted to try it out with me. I didn't know what I was doing, so I agreed, for about 6 months this carried on until we just stopped. I was too terrified to tell anyone until I met someone who had a similar experience, who has come to be my best friend. She helped my through it and I help her through hers and eventually I built up enough courage to tell my parents, but when I did they didn't believe me, they believed my sister who denies it. Since then I haven't brought it up to them, but I'm trying to move on with my life and forget about it.

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

when i was about 6 years old i was ''raped'' by my brother... i dont know if i can say rape because we didnt put his penis..... he just touched me everywhere and i had to touch his penis... this happened about 3 times.. i didnt know its wrong cause i thought: okay, he is my brother, its okay.. i also kinda enjoyed.. now i am 16 years old... i really love my brother, all this years, when i remembered what we were doing i just thought okay this happened long time ago, he forgot i forgot.. but now i dont know anymore.. now it seems to me that  all the things that he does for me he does them because he is affraid that i am gonna tell parents or something.. sometimes when i am showering he keeps coming in the bathroom.. but i don't want to lock the door because then my parents are giving me a hard time..... now i have a boyfriend.. i dont know if i should tell him or not.. today he touched me (my boyfriend) down there and i cant decide if i liked it or not... i was really excited when he started,, but then i felt so horrible... i cried.. i dont know how to tell him.. and i dont know if all this is because of what my brother did to me.. 

Sandy 2526
Sandy 2526

When I was 11 years old I was staying at a friends place he was 14 I was asleep in the room all I rember is waking up to him on top of me my pants were off my shirt was pulled up I didn't know what he was doing I was in pain and scared the next day I told his mum she told if I said anything she would come after me my brother didn't believe me everyone went out the next day left me and him and this girl jade there jade push me into the room he came in with baseball bat hit it against the wall near my head he put his hand down my pants and done stuff I push him then jumped out the window and I'm not sure if that is classed as rape? Or not? I haven't spoken about this to anyone but I can't help but replay it in my head 24/7 :,(

SheilaJoy
SheilaJoy

This happen to me to, but, like today, when I was trying to explain that I shared my story on Facebook for a college class assignment, all my family, except my parents told me they hated me, that I should keep stuff like this in the family. That my brother Tony who rape me, may lose his job, because of me telling a lie. Until tonight my parents told them it was not a lie. That they have hated me for telling the truth. I forgave my brother long time ago, I'm just tired of God telling us to tell the truth, and I did, and I'm the one that is still been punished for what he did to me. They hate me for the truth, I forgave him and will keep asking God to give me strength. Because reading your story has, given more strength to keep speaking the truth, and trust that God will keep healing me inside and out. I do not know you sir, but, I can say, I love you more than you can understand, your story gives me the strength to trust in Jesus and God, and let my sisters and brothers keep hating me, and their kids even do to. For speaking the truth, and may God one day let all them know the truth, about what he did, and make him speak it from his mouth. 


Thank You 




Sheila 

swellscarter
swellscarter

@SheilaJoy   Hate is a strong word. If they really can hate you for something you had no choice in, think about if they are with you or afraid of the truth, most people are.

You have so much pain to deal with and you need to believe and have faith. Do not let anyone take that from you.

One thing God said that would be hard for us , is to love those who don't love us back.


When my father assaulted me, I knew what confusion, self worth, shamed, guilt, and mostly alone felt like.

But that doesn't help anything but a very wicked future...


Focus on your own healing and not what they feel so much. There are people that will help you, this message this young man shares is a great start. don't let your life go in the wrong direction.


Be a champion for yourself...stay strong and know you did not the wrong thing, but now you can do the right thing...


Letmedie
Letmedie

It happened to me. It happened from age 7.5 to 14. it happened a lot.

Though I was saved by Jesus, I've had to learn to walk this path fully alone. After 30 years, I disclosed about the sexual abuse at the hands of 4 older boys, then my life got even worse.


There is no support out there. I've lost everything the drug and alcohol helped me attain. I've lost my wife, my kids, my credibility, respect. I've found new and amplified shame, self loathing and disgust of the degrading piece of filth i was and covered-up.


Some cultures look at the victim as too foul to accept. I agree (in my case).


I've given post-disclosure, open healing a 7-year attempt...all to no avail. things just keep getting worse and worse. No church will address this...they won't even listen.

When a church bends over backward to help junkies and drunks, but turns away a phenominally depressed sex abuse survivor with PTSD and severe depression...there's got to be a good reason.


All I want to do is die.

Don't send the white-coats and police. I have no plan...no time or date...all I have is a want. All I want is to die.  The depression is too much. the shame is too horrid and solid. All i see in me is a disgusting waste of a life.

This world, this nation, our churches...none of them are ready to look at us without employing the myths and wrong conclusions. Better off dead.

SheilaJoy
SheilaJoy

@Letmedie


I understand, I told the truth, and I got mistreated and no support, but, I want you to know, as long as we who have suffered things like this keep telling the truth, we are not alone. I know we cannot see God almighty but, he will make them all pay. He teaches us to forgive, not for those Ass wipes that hurt us, It is for use so that the Devil will not hurt our life no more here on earth. So I do not know you, and I ask you, live do not give up, Do not let no one NO More still your joy, life, from you. I love you, if that helps, because those of use who have suffered this are not alone. We are family, we are each other strength and support. I hope you will see that , like I did. May God give you strength. 

1331serena
1331serena

@robertblongley @Letmedie i am female but i know every feeling  u feel ,,,all  of it ,,including  the suicide ...i have no clue why i am still on this earth,,,,,some thing out there  just did not  let me die ,,,,i was in  a coma on life support for 2 days ,,,,,  i thought i was  going to end  it all,,,all the  hurt ,lies, pain .....even today it  is  far  far far  from  over ,,,,,i have been waiting  for  justice for  almost 4 years  now ,,,i  had  kept my secret for 35 years  ....im 40 and  still  my  father  walk  free ,,,10 years over 3000 times  he  did  the worst things  to me ,,i was 4 when i first remember him  performing oral sex on me ,,,and    his hairy  nasty  penis  ,omg ....and to top it off he got  another  little girl 9 years old 4 years ago,,,,this is  when i came forward ,,,,there   is  proof  beyond proof  ,,his own hand written  letters ,,,,85 of them we  turned  it all in ,,,,that was  almost 4 years ago,march 3 he  had another  court  date ,,,they  postponed again  until sept 15 of this year .......when i got this news the  other  day  puked  ,cried,,,,can;t eat ...havn;t been  with a man  in  3 years ,,,all  i wanted was  for  some one to care enough  about me to  put  him where  he belongs ,,,,,'',they ''the  system   are  cruel !

brian198
brian198

@Letmedie  I know your pain distinctly I was raped for 6 to 9 and suffered physical and mental abuse from my family till I was 15. I KNOW but the answer is not death nor will it ever be my friend. My savior was a my therapist as hard it was to admit it was even harder to talk about. I want you to think about this as like deep cleaning your house it looks a mess till it is done than it is better. Call your local rape crisis center they have the help you need and most of the time for free. They HELP it will be hard and painful but it works, My friend if you need more help then what you're receiving now than go to a center and get more help. Your life is far more valuable then you may ever believe. If Lewis does not mind I will post my website here also as a male survivor I want you to know you're not alone and it can get better.

SvenCM
SvenCM

@Letmedie I, too, know your pain and suffered rape at the hands of a parent after years of emotional abuse and molestation. I finally found healing through seminars given by jpiihealingcenter.org. Next open session is schedule in June. Be there and get some healing and peace in your life.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@robertblongley Robert, You said "You don't seem delusional, you are just frustrated.  Suicide by people in your position is generally not the result of depression, it's a lack of problem solving skills."

I've been trying to see this; see if its true, or if this is the state of things. I simply don't know. But not knowing, I will go with an outsider's advice and not wish for death without a fight. LOL....i guess i can think clearly enough to know I may not be thinking clearly.


As a child, I promised myself I would tell people about the violence done against me in my own home and never allow it to happen to others. I also promised myself that I would never ever let anyone know about the sexual stuff from the older boys. Even though I wanted good people to know how badly messed-with I was, I vowed to never betray my childhood conviction of secrecy. 


I broke that vow in order to seek help, as I was a sinking ship. I got torpedoed as a result. I think maybe I have to give up on humanity, and go back to living within my own shell, as I know for a fact that I CAN keep going like that.

swellscarter
swellscarter

@Letmedie 

I felt that way a few times, I even planned the death of my offender. But never could do it because I was the better person, you can be the better person too.


NONE of us are going to get out of here alive. So death is inevitable.  But why do you think it is a thing that must be done by your own hand?


My mind kept telling me it was the greatest act of coward or greatest act of strength. Thank God I did not have the strength.


My life has not been perfect, not even close, but I am a Survivor and a Champion.


And I know from personal knowledge that God puts the strongest soldiers on the front line...


I have been through abuse and much more. I'm not perfectly happy but I am proud for surviving a tough and ridged journey.


Stay strong and look in the mirror . if you can smile, enjoy it. I would love to smile and have people see it. But I am smiling inside.


Helping others also helps you. Find Like people and build your family from that...


ps Im not telling you what to do, I just felt like reaching out to you...

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Letmedie A few thoughts - first, you are not alone.  You just haven't met people who can show you the way through this.   Churches are generally not the enlightened places to deal with sexual abuse so just accept that and look elsewhere.  Check out 1 in 6 or RAIN.  

Regarding your thoughts of suicide, who wins when you do that?  I don't think there is anything wrong with you other than you had some terrible stuff done to you as a child.  You don't seem delusional, you are just frustrated.  Suicide by people in your position is generally not the result of depression, it's a lack of problem solving skills.  remember, obstacles in your path are there to make you change direction, not to stop you.  There are so many other outlets to deal with this - write about it, paint it, speak about it, but don't kill yourself.

If not for yourself remember that someone is going to have to deal with your suicide.  I've had to deal with 2 suicides of people in my house in the past.  There's nothing quite like having to rip out all your carpeting because you can't get the blood out. Patching bullet holes is a lot of fun as well.  Don't do that to someone else.

You can't undo what was done to you, but it can be a foundation to build on.  Remember that living well is the best revenge.  

Letmedie
Letmedie

@1331serena @robertblongley @Letmedie Serena:  I'm so very sorry to hear this from you; about you.  Humanity is stunningly in-human, and cruel. I am crushed every time I hear of any child being abused, but there is a special pain and hurt associated with a little girl being hurt. 

I no longer have much to offer others in pain, except a virtual hug. I can't even pretend to understand the world that hurt us, except that only the injured seem to understand each other's pain.

21BioMum
21BioMum

How can you try to heal someone when they aren't open to your help?

My ex-boyfriend (and the father of my daughter), broke up with me before our daughter was born. He had no where near ended his previous relationship (wife), when we got together (but acted otherwise)... so as you can imagine, he doesn't care for me as he would care for a loved one. Recently I found out he was sexually abused by his step-father. Coming to terms with this is difficult in the sense, I want to understand what he's been through but also don't want to makee excuses as to why he left us (especially if it turns out he was just being a dick).

He is unreachable to me. Blocked contact through phone, email etc. But I want him to know he can come to me, and that I am a safe place for him to talk. But I have this feeling he doesn't realise how much good will come of him talking. When I was his girlfriend, I tried to show him he was loved... so I don't understand why he sabotaged what could have been so good, for someone so dangerous (and well known for cheating).

JoseAAlvarez
JoseAAlvarez

Definitely the latter . Hence the poem about the fly who bit me. This incident, combined with my bipolar, have been both curses and blessings. I choose the bipolar as a blessing. I choose the trauma as random chance event which I would like to share now and try to spin into gold, as Lewis has don

I must admit, I found it too difficult to listen to this, one of my favorite podcasts, the entire year I spent processing this. But I'm standing strong with him now. I'm standing strong on my own

Trees that are never stressed grow weak and fragile. These incidents have made me strong like bull

I am thankful every day I wake up because if I'm alive, no matter what's going in with me, there are at least 1 billion more things that are right with me than wrong. Words to live by :-)

JoseAAlvarez
JoseAAlvarez

I meant to write @lewishowes. , not Louis. My apologies, but please see my comment below, which i have posted under my real fb profile #NoShameInMyGame

JoseAAlvarez
JoseAAlvarez

Since I first listened to this when it come out last year , I have spent an entire year working through and processing my own experience , and reminding myself what it was. Pure and simple bad luck.

I think of it as a game of 7 card stud, where - oh well- I drew 2 bad cards (I also have bipolar disorder) but the other five make a royal straight and I'm all in. I'll bet the farm on this one

A small poem I penned for the occasion

To the fly who bit me

Fly, oh fly

Why do you try

To Steal! My Blood from the sky

And yet you succeed

And carry me to the heavens

And allow Me to wonder why

For the flight alone, ¡ thank u! Fly

Sincerely Mine, Me, Myself and I

I would invite you all to read about my own experience at my blog c-strayed-too.tumblr.com. Or to write your own. It's incredibky therapeutic to allow the pent-up feelings to come out or they will manifest in other ways. Thanks as always Louis!

JoseAAlvarez
JoseAAlvarez

I absolutely agree with Robert that it is the CHOICES you makes in life that 'after.

robertblongley
robertblongley

@JoseAAlvarez while I sort of understand looking at it as bad luck,, over the years I have come to the conclusion that it is actually something different.  I think there is a more cosmic connection which you will either get or think I'm nuts for suggesting it.  Basically, whether it is rape, cancer, divorce, etc.  these are all events which can cripple us emotionally,  simply serve as an obstacle that we need to find a way around, or they can become a foundation for us to do something important.  This is where the Victor Frankls and Oprahs of the world come from.  Life changing event equals life changing potential.  It all comes down to where you feel this event fits in your life.  Is it a block to carry, or a block to stand on.  It's still the same block.  It's just a matter of what you do with it.

Lisa Mitchell
Lisa Mitchell

I've been avoiding this podcast ever since it came up on my podcast feed. I know exactly why I felt that way, because I knew that you sharing your truth and experience would challenge me to consider how I've dealt with, or not dealt with, my own experience. Darn you @LewisHowes, I dislike being faced with emotionally difficult situations on a Thursday...or any day really but here I am. Thank you for sharing, for opening your heart, for being a source of strength for others that haven't quite processed everything in a healthy way as of yet. 

I'm kind of done standing in my own way, blocking my ability to connect deeply with people I really love and care about, all because I can't get over myself. Time to take the steps forward and handle this. Thanks Lewis for pushing me to want more and to allow more greatness into my life by clearing the roadblocks like this. 

Stephanie222
Stephanie222

Thank you for sharing your experience. You are a very brave man. It is amazing to see someone like you having the courage to be yourself and share such a difficult experience with the world. I had a similar experience at the age of 3 or 4, it was a kid in my neighbourhood who was visiting relatives. Similarly I only saw him that one time. I'm a grown woman now and I have a 2 year old son. The conversation that you shared has reminded me to always work towards creating a safe place for him so he knows he can be open and honest with us if anything ever happened. Although I have shared my experience with my husband, and with a few others I have never shared it with my parents or my friends. Let alone the world! I have a huge amount of respect for you! So again, thank you!

By the way, your podcast is awesome! I get a lot out of it, so keep doing what you're doing :)

Lisa

ForeverChanged
ForeverChanged

Thank you for sharing. I wish I was brave enough to share. I was raped 36 years ago, when I was a teenager. I was afraid of the response I would get from my parents, especially from my mother, so I never told them. My mother and I haven't spoken in years but I sometimes wish I could tell her now. I only shared about my rape for the first time ever this year, when I told my husband about it.

I'm undecided about telling my mother now, because part of me would be doing it to hurt her for not being there for me, but part of me needs validation I think. I would like to know if she even noticed how my personality completely changed one night. I would like to finally share now that I am strong enough to deal with her reaction. I would also like to have her hold me and tell me it wasn't my fault, like I wished she could have done so many years ago. But I am still afraid...36 years later. Afraid of being rejected, afraid I wont be rejected and therefore i was wrong so many years ago when I didn't tell her.

Do I break our non-communication and finally tell her or do I let her go to her grave without knowing? Who will be hurt if I do tell? What will I gain if I tell...or if I dont?

robertblongley
robertblongley

@ForeverChanged as a parent who has been through this, I think you should tell her.  Depending on the person responsible it may take a while to set in.  In my perspective, the only parents who are to blame are the ones that knew about it and did nothing.  The rest of us were often deceived and manipulated by people we trusted as much as our children.  I don't know if you will get the response that you would like, but you are opening a door that has long been shut.  You can't control what comes through, but nothing will change if it doesn't.  I'm guessing you feel that you are finally growing as a person and that these events are moving from being a weight on your shoulder to a foundation that you can stand on.  You may now be strong enough to help your mother through this since it's going to be hard on her too.  Feel free to reach out if you need help.

SriPabbaraju
SriPabbaraju

Listening to this podcast as I am recollecting what I went through as a teenage kid. Midway through this year, I had the courage to open up about this dark secret that I kept to myself (only my wife knew about it).


I did a video and blog in an attempt to reach out to others who are struggling with similar experiences in their lifetime. Thank you for sharing.

http://businessboosteracademy.com/do-it-now/

LetyM
LetyM

Lewis you are a sweet heart and a hero.  Thank you for sharing <3

anonMLA
anonMLA

Thank you for sharing your experience. I to experienced sexual abuse at the hands of my babysitters teenage son. I was in Kindergarden as well. I am 25 now and I still carry this with me. I didn't start seeing a counselor until a couple of years ago due to an eating disorder. I told my parents the day he raped me. He was found guilty. Once that happened we never talked about it again. If felt like I was just supposed to forget it. The thing I believe is that something like that you never forget. This memory was also my most vivid memory. 

anonymouslady
anonymouslady

Thanks for sharing this story Lewis. I have experienced sexual abuse since the age of 5 and it eventually led to me being raped by my own father. Even up until now I blamed myself because I couldn't understand why these kinds of things kept happening to me and it has affected my life and relationships so much. I still don't know how or if I will ever overcome it but its comforting to see others who have overcome it and are living their lives successfully and able to forgive and move on. 

senostellan
senostellan

@anonymouslady  I'm a journalist for an alternative online magazine called Sensa Nostra (http://sensanostra.com/) and we're currently based in Berlin. Our aim is to give our readers an honest first hand perspective on original experiences and topics which are not often brought up in the bigger media. 


I'm interested in writing an article profile about somone who's been trough this horrible trauma. 


If you would be up for this I would be super grateful and it can of course be

anonymously.

You can contact me on this following email: stellan.seno@gmail.com 

Best wishes

Stellan

Gloria Beckford
Gloria Beckford

Thanks for shearing Lewis, I know you had to dig deep inside to bring that to the surface...

JuliaSkinner
JuliaSkinner

This has been sitting on my list for while and I happened to listen to it the day my Mum disowned me and my sister on FB. It gave me a little reality check and kept me out of the abyss :) I think it is important to share these stories to give other the space to do so, you are very brave, thank you for sharing.

Trackbacks

  1. […] Howes made a huge step when he wrote about being raped as a child. It must have been an enormous work to digest and […]

  2. […] Howes made a huge step when he wrote about being raped as a child. It must have been an enormous work to digest and […]

  3. […] a long process. I finally told my parents just a few months ago. Thank you Lewis Howes for opening up and being authentic. You’ve inspired me to write this, and I hope many more men […]

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