Podcast

What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving, Vulnerable, Free Man

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familyI was 5 years old when he raped me.

The only other memories I had before that vivid experience was my first day at Kindergarden where I colored in an outline of Clifford The Big Red Dog.

The other was taking brownies to pre school for classmates on my birthday.

However, what I experienced after one school day with the teenage son of my babysitter, I may never forget.

I don’t have any other memories before this of my older brother Chris playing his violin, my dad throwing me in the air, or my mom holding me as I cry to sleep.

This picture with my two inspiring and compassionate older sisters Katherine and Heidi, is not a memory either.

I wish I remembered that moment.

Then 2 or 3 years old.  Long flowing golden locks and a smile as wide as the ocean.  Trusting everything and everyone with my huge open heart.

I loved people.

All I ever wanted was people and the world to love me back.

For 25 years I lived in anger, resentment and defensiveness.

And it showed up big time, especially in sports.

No one knew what happened or why I was that way because I was so ashamed of it and though if anyone knew they wouldn’t love me.

To say I felt lonely growing up would be an understatement.  There were many days I told people I wish I were dead due to the shame I felt.

I never understood why this would happen to me, an innocent child who just wanted to love everyone.

Why would someone take this innocence and abuse it emotionally and physically?

It wasn’t until 25 years after that day I started to open up about it.

Facing it was one of the most uncomfortable and emotionally challenging moments I’ve ever had… but it changed my life forever.

In this episode I dive into what happened, the weight I carried for so long and the lessons I learned along the way.

##

I’m so grateful for every experience in my life, including this one, for the lessons it has taught me.  I want to thank my dear friend Jonathan Fields for guiding me during this interview and creating a space for me to share so openly.  You are a generous soul and a healer of hearts.

My friend Chris Lee, who created the opportunity for me to face this in the first place.  Thank you for the dedicated work you continue to do.  You and your humble service are a gift to this world.

Glennon Melton.  You are a graceful angel.  Thank you for your encouragement to share this openly and freely.

My family and close friends I shared this with personally.  Your tender love and acceptance when I finally shared with you allowed me to feel safe again with my child like innocence.  You mean the world to me.

I want the comments section below to be a safe place for you to share openly and free of judgment.  Do you know someone who has experienced sexual abuse or have you experienced this yourself?  What have you done to go through a healing process?  Or are you still holding onto something that isn’t serving you?

I’m here to listen, love and accept you no matter what. If you prefer to share anonymously or message me privately I’m here as well.

I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter, but I do know it’s worth a lot to share your experience with someone to allow healing to occur.  There is also a great charity that has a free support line to do this as well at RAINN.org along with other information and statistics on rape and sexual abuse (as it’s way more common than you think).  And one that is just for men at 1in6.org.

I also recommend listening to Dr. Guy Winch and his talk about healing emotional injuries.

Thank you for allowing me to share publicly with you my story.  I’m so grateful even if you took a moment to read any part of this post.

Like what you’ve read so far?

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266 comments
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SusanLampard

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StacyBrown2

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CharlesBouchard



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WrionmaWilliams
WrionmaWilliams

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FreddieBucky
FreddieBucky

I was raped by my father it started when I was 13 and went on for 3years at that point I could not take no more if was going to kill it would have been better then what I am going through today I reported to the police and he was taking way I had to see him in the court room to tell my side of what happened and when it came time for him to talk he would only say I asked for it so he was sentenced to 14 years and only did 7 and then was let go I was doing so good in my life until I was told that did it to another young girl of his new family and all he got was a slap on the hand I tried to put it behind me but then I was told just told to long ago he had passed away and everything came back I am now in my late 40 and I feel like I'm going through it all again I have been with my husband now for 14 years and I'm about to lose him cause he tells me that my body is here but I'm not if anyone can give me some help on how to deal with this plz let me know

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LoveSpell3

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Alexintheuk
Alexintheuk

Thank you for your post. You have exceptional courage in facing these horrible actions against you. I am a 34 year old male from London in the UK. Over Christmas 2015, after exploring my childhood for the last few years, I have finally realised that I suffered sexual abuse during my childhood and teenage years. Multiple times by strangers in different environments. I have been able to justify and deny what happened to me for my entire life until then. I called it normal and thought it was part of everyday life experience. The act of discovering what is (to my knowledge) the first time it happened, over Christmas, was so painful it caused me trauma. There were repercussions and effects within me that I didn't understand until I saw that memory again.

The second time I was aggressively molested in a train station by two girls when I was 14 could never be fully denied, but could still be downplayed. I have never had intimacy or sexual relationships and am very damaged. I have had many times throughout my childhood and teenage years where I have closed my eyes enough so I didn't exist. Whether on the journey to primary school or crying in despair in my room at home during my teens. I have been able to tell my family and friends about all of this for the first time in my life now.

I am doing all I can to hold onto my job, do exercise regularly and finish my creative pursuits while I still try to find counselling. My life has bled into my creative pursuits though, and I am still exploring to see if worse has happened in years that I have intentionally blanked out. I want to die

All I want now is to throw everything away and sacrifice all I have achieved in my life to be that young innocent 8 year old boy again who had problems, but still had youthful optimism. I just want my childhood back, and I am obsessed with finding a way to get back to my primary school days. There were good times there. Even though some of this stuff happened then, worse came later.

I had to restart my life at 18 after secondary school as the minute I left I blanked it all out immediately. I wish I died during that time and never lived through my secondary school. I just want to be 8 again. I just want to delete my life as it is and live that number of years again, and die when I was meant to have done so. I feel beaten as the weight of still attempting to pierce my denial and face my demons is so hard

Shy99
Shy99

Thank you for doing this, children need all the support they can get. I was physically and emotionally abused by both parents and growing up in the 70’s I received no support from the state. My grandparents attempted to help and although they did make a difference what they could do was limited.

This only came out recently when receiving counselling for a break up, prior to that I had kept silent. Although I had distanced myself from my childhood and family the ripples from those memories have impacted my life and relationships. As a man I think we often lack the support network that is needed to deal with this sort of stuff but I’m now working through things and feel I am a better person for it. I recently told my closest friend, the first non-counsellor I had told and she responded extremely negatively. Just posting this is emotional but it also helps, I think.

Sadmom12345
Sadmom12345

There were just to many incidents , I don't know where to begin a friend of mines, husband tried to rape me and hold me against my week in his home and I believe she was aware of some of it. Anyways after 12 hours of hell and locking myself in a room and escaping out a window I left and never spoke to them again, problem my daughter is good friends , but my main issue is it has brought back a flood of emotions and extreme pain and memories of the past attacks. I haven't slept in 2 years and it's really effective my marriage not to mention my health . What do I do where do I began I'm so lost. I ha be tried to go to counseling go omelet or twice but now I can't barely leave the house. I'm so sad and ashamed. Any suggestions

I have children and I new grandson and I really want to get it together , they don't know , I'm just the funny tammy and crazy mom, but deep down I'm so broken and so so sad. I live in Florida in between Ocala and tampa

Thank you, all washed up but want to feel better and feel love

gshm1234
gshm1234

I'm sorry about your past abuse. I was very attached to my son and still am. Many children don't tell because of fear, rejection,not being believed,etc. If I had known what I know now about my sons abuse, the rapist would have been confronted and arrested. I didn't find out until last year and I have confronted the rapist since I found out. My son doesn't want him arrested because he doesn't want other people knowing what happened to him.in my opinion a crime should never go unpunished!! But he has to decide what to do.

girlbird
girlbird

i was raped(fingered by hand slid into panty) by biological dad. then he tried to lie on top pf me. my care providers were in the next room. it was night. i could have shouted and stopped. was too shocked and betrayed. then next day he fingered my lips. i was 12. i am adopted but he had access. my relatives knew a lot later something was off but it was inconvenient to confront. i think sexual abuse happens when the rapist knows that the parents are less attached or the kid will not trust his parents or the parents will not do much.

gshm1234
gshm1234

My 25yr old son shared with me last yr, when he was 24, that he was raped when he was 6yrs old by his 15 yr old cousin. He was made to undress in front of him at times and was also bullied. He still has had problems and was hospitalized for 24 days because he is so uncertain about his life and stays very confused. He still feels isolated and won't interact with people. My son is very smart and very handsome with a huge heart and should have a bright future, but he thinks of himself as damaged. I continue to love and support him while he copes and tries to figure it all out. Since his rapest is family, we are still exposed to the one who took his innocence and its very difficult. The rapest and his family have denied anything happened and my son still has to hold his head down because of it. This has been a struggle for all of involved.

RoseHoward
RoseHoward

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AilaChantel
AilaChantel


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DiannaFaber
DiannaFaber

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MillieBelstock
MillieBelstock

 

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Noname19970710
Noname19970710

I haven't told anyone my story.

When I was 5 or 6 years old, my older second cousin molested and raped me. I only have memories of how it began but never the memory of physical penetration, however lately they are starting to resurface. The first time that it happened I remember the exact room we were in and the dialogue and everything. I remember I was trying to get away from him but he wouldn't let me off of the bed. I knew what he was doing felt wrong and I was embarrassed by it, but I didn't realize how serious the situation actually was.

Then when I was around 8 years old we moved to the same state as him and the abuse continued when my parents had me sleep over at his house. I remember sleeping in the floor of one of my aunt's bedrooms in a dark room and after she had gone to sleep, and I remember seeing him open the door to come in and rape me and feeling such fear in my stomach whenever a figure passed in the hallway.

Looking back I realize that I should have said something, but I was so embarrassed. And I sometimes wonder if my aunt, who is an alcoholic, knew what was happening to me.

My cousin would verbally abuse me all the time and would often tell me that I was stupid and that I was a child who didn't know what she was talking about.

I guess that I am not angry at him for what he did to me because I think that he was just a confused teenager, but I am so sad as to how the rape affected the rest of my life. When I was 8 I gained a lot of weight and knew way too much about sex, when I was 10 I regressed and started acting like a child again, and when I was 11 through 13 I had suicidal thoughts every single day. I have always had a very strong fear of men, and I never let anyone too close to hurt me again. I have always had promiscuous thoughts about men from the time I was 10, but whenever I would start to form a relationship as a teenager, I would immediately cut myself off emotionally.

I don't see my cousin anymore and my family doesn't talk to them anymore for other reasons, so I don't want to necessarily tell my parents that it was him who had abused me, and to be honest I don't think that I want to tell them what happened to me at all.

But I always feel this weight and this burden on my back. I have always felt like I was carrying this big secret.

Even to this day I feel such shame and embarrassment that this has happened to me.

I have never told anyone this until now, 13 years later. And I sometimes find myself rationalizing the abuse, I just can't seem to deal with it.

Even to this day I will have panic attacks for no reason at all and intense anxiety in living my everyday life.

gshm1234
gshm1234

@Noname19970710

I'm so sorry for you. You deserve to live freely. My son was also raped when he was 6 by his teenage cousin. He held it in for 18 yes. And still struggles a lot. Please share your past with someone you can trust, even if you have to confront your rapist. Even if people don't believe you, it will be freeing and a burden you no longer bare alone. There are people that will support you and listen. I wish you the best in life.

Cvvaldez
Cvvaldez

I was at least 5 years old when I was sexually abused by my step brother and it continued till I was about 8 years old, I always felt ashamed a barred a lot of guilt throughout the years. It was not until my Sophmore year in high school that I gained the courage to tell the truth and set myself free. He was incarcerated for 3 years and thinking back now I still beat myself up for not saying the full thorough truth when I finally decided to tell due to embarrassment. It didn't help that my investigator was the father of a girl I went to school with so I was hard to tell the complete truth without feeling like I would be judged, had I told the complete truth he probably would have received more years. I am 25 years old now and have a son who is 5 years old. I have completely lost touch with my brother, grandmother (the one who raised him) and cousins on that side of the family. My father is always trying to get us united again, but I am never up for it. Am I doing the wrong thing? I fear that one day my son will find out about my brother and this whole other family whom I have kept secret.

gshm1234
gshm1234

@Cvvaldez

When your son is old enough he will understand and will see that you had to protect yourself and him from any harm. You will have the words when the time is right. Best wishes to you

OswaldDervla
OswaldDervla


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GaryJames3

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MercyGoody
MercyGoody

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PaulHenle
PaulHenle

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Jory Howell
Jory Howell

@needadvice0308 That is a tough situation. Sexual abuse is not something that is easy to talk about in the first place, but to have a poor reaction when you do come out with your feelings is worse. Like Jonathan said to Lewis, you were probably not the only one that these people assaulted, and maybe those people don't know how to handle it either. Since you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about the situation, maybe you should check out RAINN.org. I have not personally used the hotline, but it may be a good place to start. Just know that what happened to you is not your fault, it was not ok, and that you ARE a worthy person. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Look at all of the people that come forward with stories of their own. It is a terrible, all-too-common situation that should be easier to talk about, but it's not. Good luck, I hope that you are able to find some peace with what has happened.

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druwaherbalcenter

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RhondaRhonda12
RhondaRhonda12

Herpes is a sexually transmitted virus that primarily infects the mouth and the genitals. It is transmitted by bodily fluids – penetration isn’t required for transmission, oral-oral or oral-genital contact will suffice,There are two types of herpes simplex virus: HSV-1 and HSV-2. Both virus types can cause sores around the mouth (herpes labialis) and on the genitals (genital herpes). Cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). Cold sores sometimes called fever blisters, are groups of small blisters on the lip and around the mouth. The skin around the blisters is often red, swollen, and sore. The blisters may break open, leak a clear fluid, and then scab over after a few days. They usually heal in several days to 2 weeks.  The herpes simplex virus usually enters the body through a break in the skin around or inside the mouth. It is usually spread when a person touches a cold sore or touches infected fluid—such as from sharing eating utensils or razors, kissing an infected person, or touching that person's saliva. A parent who has a cold sore often spreads the infection to his or her child in this way. Cold sores can also be spread to other areas of the body. Luckly there is a cure for herpes Contact Dr Odia Via:(drodiaherbalistcenter@gmail.com)

AlisonGeisert
AlisonGeisert

Thank you for sharing this. It took my close to 25 years to admit to anyone that I had been raped and that sexual abuse continued for many many years. I really appreciate your honesty and your strength.

odetowomen
odetowomen

I know this is not like your experience, but I believe the effects were similar. I was coerced and raped by a friend. We were "dating". But it was all innocent. Then, one day, when I was feeling down, he nudged me into my room. I wasn't thinking straight. Before I knew it, he was doing things to me. I was in shock. He put his finger up my vagina. Other men reading this might be thinking, "Yeah! He got her!". Other men might think, "Well, she didn't say no". 


I felt guilt and shame. This is how I lost my virginity. I "gave it up" to someone. I didn't give it to someone, it was given up. When I found out what he was doing to me, I just laid there. Why? Because it was too late, he'd already penetrated me. The fact that I was keeping my virginity for 23 years didn't bother him. He penetrated me and that was all he wanted. My feelings and values didn't matter. None of that mattered. What mattered was that he "got some". And I was "some".


I am getting through this now--I am 25--by accepting how I feel. Right after this occurred, my mom punished and abused me for being angry. So, I was afraid of showing anger. All these feelings I had in me were buried. Buried for almost 2 years. 


Now, I write poetry expressing how I feel. I openly discuss it with others. My older brother and sister know. My friends know. My roommates know. They all know. I don't care about rejection because I know they are good people. Good people don't reject you for something bad that happened to you. Good and sane people don't expect you to be happy all the time. Good people don't punish you for being angry.


If you need to contact me, you can contact me at my tumblr page: odetowomen

DicksonBeckson
DicksonBeckson

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BrainAdams
BrainAdams

 
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MaryHanson1
MaryHanson1

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lmc2454
lmc2454

I was raped by my ex husband at the age of 15, he was 20. I got pregnant and was forced to marry him by my parents. A year later he viciously raped my 13 yr old (at the time) sister. It was also kept secret from everyone. I am the one who caught him in the act. For over 10 yrs I was subjected to his sexual, physical and mental abuse. I finally found the courage to get away. I'm 61 now and our children are 45, 40 and 36. They have all in the past 4 or 5 yrs. been involved in his life again. The thing is, I seemed okay for many years, all of a sudden I am reliving all the horrifying things that happened yrs ago. It won't stop and is affecting my life horribly. A part of me wants to tell my grown children about their father, but also do not want to hurt them. Our son was also molested by my ex husband's brother at the age of six. Do I try and release some of my anguish I'm feeling again by coming clean to my children? Please help me, i don't know what to do to make these nightmares of my past go away.

stephans
stephans

My girlfriend, now 27, was raped by her step-dad when she was 10 and several times. The step-dad still lives the mom and my girlfriend feels forced to visit them a few times a year. He never got a punishment or took responsibility for what he did.

She told me about the rape earlier, but it seemed she was fighting internally and was mostly OK. However, the more time we spend together, the more she opens up about the consequences of the rapes, the more evident the pain and suffering are. While she is a lovely person whom I adore, it is obvious that she is fighting with a much bigger problem that I could imagine and it impacts almost everything she does.

At the same time I have enormous respect for what she is going through and I want to be able to help her. On the other hand, I don't want to mis-step and cause her amy more pain than absolutely necessary for her to come to terms with this fact of her life. Advice is welcome.

robertblongley
robertblongley

@stephans having been in your shoes, this will most likely impact every area of your relationship going forward.  I'm guessing her mom doesn't know (which explains some of the conflict).  If she does know, or doesn't want to know, that's almost worse.  Sooner or later this is going to turn very messy.  Your girlfriend is currently trapped with a catch22 of spending time with her mother or spending time with her rapist because it's the same experience.  The brain can't process this type of conflict so I'm guessing there are times when something sort of switches in her and she's not really there mentally.  Or she seems different in how she reacts to you.  Basically it comes down to feeling safe.  Unfortunately you have a situation that makes that impossible on a regular basis.  Solving it is likely to make things worse - at least temporarily.  This is a longer discussion, but figure out what she would like to do about the whole situation.  Knowing that putting him in jail doesn't always happen, and doesn't always help.  A lot will depend on her mother. Who will she support?  This is where it gets hard - especially if she is one of these people who defends him "he was drinking then" or "I can't support myself if he goes to jail and it was a long time ago".  I was luck enough that my wife's offender died at a young age and we had no contact anyway.  You don't have that luxury.  Happy to discuss options if you want to contact directly.  

amber2
amber2

When I was around 5-7my brothers touched me and did some things to me, they are only a couple of years older than me. Lately I've had some unrelated issues that have left me really emotional. for years I have told nobody and acted like it was okay and sort of just forgot about it, and I'm 15 now and I finally told a friend but I'm scared because he wants to let my parents know and I'm scared that this isn't rape and that I'm getting my brothers in trouble and I'm scared to see what they think of me I'm wondering what will happen if people know??? Do the police have to get involved??

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

@amber2 i had a similar experience like u.. just that i have only one brother... I forgot about it too.. sort of.. I love my brother so i will never tell my parent about what happened, because i don't want to cause him trouble or cause trouble to me.. but sometimes i feel like shit because of what he did to me.. now i have a boyfriend.. he loves me and i dont know if i should tell him... he and my brother get along very good.. 

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

@amber2 so its like this with u... if you think that your brothers need to be punished for what they did to you, then tell the police.. otherwise i woudn't do anything but only if u get along with ur brothers. 

Wifeofabused
Wifeofabused

I just learned tonight, after more than 1 year of marriage, and a year of living together my husband was molested and raped at 13. He refused to tell me who, except the person is dead now. He is a good father, good person, good man all the way around. Except sometimes he drinks excessively. Very occasionally. But when he does he says irrational things to me. I have always chalked it up to the alcohol. But not tonight. I have cried, and pleaded Lord help to help him. I don't know how. But I do know I want to be here, I have strived to be a good wife, and I do not want to fail him now. Please tell me what to say, do, whatever I need to do to make him never want to just die again. He's been to Iraq, as a soldier, he's lost a son before he knew me. And now I find this out. Please help me to help him.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Wifeofabused Please remain calm and focused. Its a long road just to get YOU educated and cared for, let along him. I suggest you go to malesurvivor.org and join the Friends & Family Forum.  There IS hope. Neither of you are alone in this. There is SO SO SO much help out there! Malesurvivor.org is a great place to begin.

I would also strongly suggest you get him to counseling ASAP if and only if he's willing. DO NOT PUSH.  We are not ready to deal with sexual abuse until WE say we are.

A GREAT book for either one of you is by Mike Lew: "Victims No Longer." It saved my life!

jpg11
jpg11

Thank you for sharing your story and how you have turned your life around over the years.

I was raped on a few occasions when I was 6 by my older brother who was an adult. It would happen during the night and that too when there were other family sleeping in the room. I would be awaken from my sleep. I questioned my brother who would say its nothing. I didnt think anything of it more at the time.

I think karma struck him quickly as he was critically ill a few months after and was taken away to a specialist hospital. After that he was married so luckily it never happened again.

In my early teens when I knew more about what had happened I used to have fights with my older brother and say Im going to tell mum what you did. He would always threaten me whenever i tried and this is were I guess I shut my feelings to the world. It affected my relationships with my dad and other brothers as I would only find comfort with my sister or mum.

I am now married for over 9 years with a beautiful young son, but with many ups Jand downs since then. I have always brushed my problems under the carpet due to previous experience as a child. The last breakup was difficult and I came out to my wife. She was very supportive and understanding providing comfort I required.

I have since confronted my brother that too in the room where it all started and my mum after . This helped but he did not admit to mum or me. As a result it has been eating me inside.

I cant come to turns with what he has done to me and the denial. Now he has denied all wrong doing and has asked me for corespondence and proof! the cheek after whats domw.

I guess I have joined a specilist agency supporting suvivors in these scenario.MY older brother is denying and wants to do a lie detector to which I agree. Lets what this plave.

Porphyria
Porphyria

I've been struggling with the memories of being raped as a child. It started at 3, a woman that watched me. I saw her page on Facebook about a month ago and have been having real issues coping with it all over again. I feel like seeing her out there and happy after the awful things she did to me, but I'm too ashamed to out her or tell anyone but my husband.

I didn't realize the pain I was still carrying in me. I have recurring nightmares she is a werewolf rating me alive.

I just can't stop reliving it.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Porphyria YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING!
Do as YOU wish, but outing her will most likely make you feel awesome. She deserves a horrid death, and I hope she gets it!

kplog
kplog

I recently found out my boyfriend was raped 5 years ago, long before i met him.

I really want to help and try to get it settled and help him move on.

 But it's such a long time ago, and though he talks about it now, I don't know how i should encourage him to tell me everything, and though i try to tell him it's not his fault, there was nothing he could do, and that i love him just as much as i alway did, I sometimes find it hard to figure out what i can say to make him feel better, or to help him open up.


Does anyone have an advice?? How would a professional psychologist handle this? All i want is that he talks to me so i can help him get better. Something in particular i should say, ask or avoid??

gunboyrob
gunboyrob

@kplog First, please be aware you can't fix this for him. No one can. If he is not ready and willing to talk about it, please do not push for it or even mention it. Its his thing to own in privacy until he's ready to do otherwise. Pushing before he's ready will result in nothing but negative/destructive reactions.

If you found out about this by any means other than by his own words, I'd be super respectful about his privacy. His keeping this a "secret" is what keeps him able to function...but it can also be his undoing as time goes on. 

Prosecuting the perpetrator, confronting him/her, any of that. It HAS to be kept all up to him.


I'm trying to say this in the most caring manner, but it may not read that way.


You are not a therapist...and you cannot be HIS therapist, so do not try.  It never works out well. If and when he chooses to discuss this with you, just be there for him if you care about him.  Don't try to fix it! I'll say that again....don't try to fix it/him. You can't.


Don't hand him a book...or a therapist's phone number. He knows how to Google.


Be the very impressive friend you have shown yourself to be already. You clearly care very much about him.

kplog
kplog

@gunboyrob @kplog I did find out because he told me about it, I just would like to know how a therapy session works. What things do people discuss, etc. I don't want to make awkward silence or cause him to feel he can't talk to me :-/

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