Podcast

What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving, Vulnerable, Free Man

375 comments

familyI was 5 years old when he raped me.

The only other memories I had before that vivid experience was my first day at Kindergarden where I colored in an outline of Clifford The Big Red Dog.

The other was taking brownies to pre school for classmates on my birthday.

However, what I experienced after one school day with the teenage son of my babysitter, I may never forget.

I don’t have any other memories before this of my older brother Chris playing his violin, my dad throwing me in the air, or my mom holding me as I cry to sleep.

This picture with my two inspiring and compassionate older sisters Katherine and Heidi, is not a memory either.

I wish I remembered that moment.

Then 2 or 3 years old.  Long flowing golden locks and a smile as wide as the ocean.  Trusting everything and everyone with my huge open heart.

I loved people.

All I ever wanted was people and the world to love me back.

For 25 years I lived in anger, resentment and defensiveness.

And it showed up big time, especially in sports.

No one knew what happened or why I was that way because I was so ashamed of it and though if anyone knew they wouldn’t love me.

To say I felt lonely growing up would be an understatement.  There were many days I told people I wish I were dead due to the shame I felt.

I never understood why this would happen to me, an innocent child who just wanted to love everyone.

Why would someone take this innocence and abuse it emotionally and physically?

It wasn’t until 25 years after that day I started to open up about it.

Facing it was one of the most uncomfortable and emotionally challenging moments I’ve ever had… but it changed my life forever.

In this episode I dive into what happened, the weight I carried for so long and the lessons I learned along the way.

##

I’m so grateful for every experience in my life, including this one, for the lessons it has taught me.  I want to thank my dear friend Jonathan Fields for guiding me during this interview and creating a space for me to share so openly.  You are a generous soul and a healer of hearts.

My friend Chris Lee, who created the opportunity for me to face this in the first place.  Thank you for the dedicated work you continue to do.  You and your humble service are a gift to this world.

Glennon Melton.  You are a graceful angel.  Thank you for your encouragement to share this openly and freely.

My family and close friends I shared this with personally.  Your tender love and acceptance when I finally shared with you allowed me to feel safe again with my child like innocence.  You mean the world to me.

I want the comments section below to be a safe place for you to share openly and free of judgment.  Do you know someone who has experienced sexual abuse or have you experienced this yourself?  What have you done to go through a healing process?  Or are you still holding onto something that isn’t serving you?

I’m here to listen, love and accept you no matter what. If you prefer to share anonymously or message me privately I’m here as well.

I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter, but I do know it’s worth a lot to share your experience with someone to allow healing to occur.  There is also a great charity that has a free support line to do this as well at RAINN.org along with other information and statistics on rape and sexual abuse (as it’s way more common than you think).  And one that is just for men at 1in6.org.

I also recommend listening to Dr. Guy Winch and his talk about healing emotional injuries.

Thank you for allowing me to share publicly with you my story.  I’m so grateful even if you took a moment to read any part of this post.

Like what you’ve read so far?

get access to my free weekly tips

241 comments
Cvvaldez
Cvvaldez

I was at least 5 years old when I was sexually abused by my step brother and it continued till I was about 8 years old, I always felt ashamed a barred a lot of guilt throughout the years. It was not until my Sophmore year in high school that I gained the courage to tell the truth and set myself free. He was incarcerated for 3 years and thinking back now I still beat myself up for not saying the full thorough truth when I finally decided to tell due to embarrassment. It didn't help that my investigator was the father of a girl I went to school with so I was hard to tell the complete truth without feeling like I would be judged, had I told the complete truth he probably would have received more years. I am 25 years old now and have a son who is 5 years old. I have completely lost touch with my brother, grandmother (the one who raised him) and cousins on that side of the family. My father is always trying to get us united again, but I am never up for it. Am I doing the wrong thing? I fear that one day my son will find out about my brother and this whole other family whom I have kept secret.

OswaldDervla
OswaldDervla


Thanks to Dr Gbagada, i am very grateful

to him for bringing my man back after two

years of broken marriage because of

pregnancy problem. I Aila love my man and he

is my source of finance. we love to have

kids and his dad want to see him bear kids

before he can will his property to him but i

could not bear him a child due to

miscarriage then he decides to live me for

another another lady. i search every where

for him and i could not find him, i read

different article on broken marriage just to

encourage my self, i visit different site

then a friend on face book( nora warland)

directed me to Dr Gbagada with his email

address drgbagadaspelltemple@hotmail.com,

then i contact him and told him my problem

and i did what he asked me to do after two

days my handsband called me and ask of my

location. To the glory of Dr.Gbagada my

Husband is back my life and the lady she

married did not also bear him a child all

for the help of Dr.Gbagada Now i have a baby

boy for him and still expecting another

child.
For any marriage or relationship problem

contact Gbagada with

drgbagadaspelltemple@hotmail.com

GaryJames3
GaryJames3

.been scam by fake doctors from Nigeria is another infection to herpes
but getting myself cured is another joyful moment i will never forget in
a life time. i was cured from herpes by Dr Mensah from Ghana who i
contacted few months ago via his mail: herbalistmensahsacredherbaltemple@hotmail.com
and today i am free from herpes simplex 2. i huge you to contact Dr
Mensah from Ghana for your redemption from herpes via his mail address

MercyGoody
MercyGoody

Thanks be unto this great man called Dr okpa for helping me and putting a smile on my face by bringing back my lover who left me without notice, but Dr okpa brought him back to me with his great powers and now am happy with my man and he loves and care for me more than before. So i want you people to thank Dr okpa me via: okpatempleofsolution@gmail.com


Ella from Scotland


PaulHenle
PaulHenle

living a life without a child is like living in a house without a roof and you know what that means to living in a house that has no roof. i have being without a child for the past five year of my marriage without issue and i thank Dr aza for restoring my womb, after consulting so many witch doctors and they all failed me. the miracle suddenly came when i was browsing on the internet i saw a testimony shared by a woman call nelson Maris about her year of barrenness which suddenly came to an end i was touch and i also believe, and i decided to contact him with this email address azaspellcaster@gmail.com and he give me instruction which i did to cut the long story shot now i am with 2 kids a boy and a girl all thank to Dr aza for restoring my womb contact him today and get your problem solve tomorrow. i will drop his email address again azaspellcaster@gmail.com or call his via number on +2348107155060

Jory Howell
Jory Howell

@needadvice0308 That is a tough situation. Sexual abuse is not something that is easy to talk about in the first place, but to have a poor reaction when you do come out with your feelings is worse. Like Jonathan said to Lewis, you were probably not the only one that these people assaulted, and maybe those people don't know how to handle it either. Since you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about the situation, maybe you should check out RAINN.org. I have not personally used the hotline, but it may be a good place to start. Just know that what happened to you is not your fault, it was not ok, and that you ARE a worthy person. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Look at all of the people that come forward with stories of their own. It is a terrible, all-too-common situation that should be easier to talk about, but it's not. Good luck, I hope that you are able to find some peace with what has happened.

druwaherbalcenter
druwaherbalcenter

what are your problems? do you have trouble, problems in your marriage?


do you have fight with your Partner? are you in trouble of debt? are you lust

what are those things killing your happiness, making you so unhappy? you

don't have to worry no more because i have  have a spell caster to solve your problems just the way he solve mine


ATTENTIONS

i am Jovian Hysong from usa

readers please beware that fake spell caster are everywhere looking for

whom to scam i was scammed 4 good times with different spell casters, i almost

gave up to the ghost because i was in trouble of debt and also my

husband was about to leave me and my children before i met dr uwa.

IS A PROPHET who also believe in jai mata durga. goddess of india

spell caster of the world. here is his email druwaherbalcenter@gmail.com, i contacted him

when i was in so much pains and sorrow among all he was the only

person who genuinely helped restore my home also payed my debt.

feel safe and happy only with dr uwa anything you need shall be

given unto your desires,thanks to you master, father of the world

praise be to you. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
druwaherbalcenter@gmail.com or call or whataspp him on +2348063930531

RhondaRhonda12
RhondaRhonda12

Herpes is a sexually transmitted virus that primarily infects the mouth and the genitals. It is transmitted by bodily fluids – penetration isn’t required for transmission, oral-oral or oral-genital contact will suffice,There are two types of herpes simplex virus: HSV-1 and HSV-2. Both virus types can cause sores around the mouth (herpes labialis) and on the genitals (genital herpes). Cold sores are caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV). Cold sores sometimes called fever blisters, are groups of small blisters on the lip and around the mouth. The skin around the blisters is often red, swollen, and sore. The blisters may break open, leak a clear fluid, and then scab over after a few days. They usually heal in several days to 2 weeks.  The herpes simplex virus usually enters the body through a break in the skin around or inside the mouth. It is usually spread when a person touches a cold sore or touches infected fluid—such as from sharing eating utensils or razors, kissing an infected person, or touching that person's saliva. A parent who has a cold sore often spreads the infection to his or her child in this way. Cold sores can also be spread to other areas of the body. Luckly there is a cure for herpes Contact Dr Odia Via:(drodiaherbalistcenter@gmail.com)

AlisonGeisert
AlisonGeisert

Thank you for sharing this. It took my close to 25 years to admit to anyone that I had been raped and that sexual abuse continued for many many years. I really appreciate your honesty and your strength.

odetowomen
odetowomen

I know this is not like your experience, but I believe the effects were similar. I was coerced and raped by a friend. We were "dating". But it was all innocent. Then, one day, when I was feeling down, he nudged me into my room. I wasn't thinking straight. Before I knew it, he was doing things to me. I was in shock. He put his finger up my vagina. Other men reading this might be thinking, "Yeah! He got her!". Other men might think, "Well, she didn't say no". 


I felt guilt and shame. This is how I lost my virginity. I "gave it up" to someone. I didn't give it to someone, it was given up. When I found out what he was doing to me, I just laid there. Why? Because it was too late, he'd already penetrated me. The fact that I was keeping my virginity for 23 years didn't bother him. He penetrated me and that was all he wanted. My feelings and values didn't matter. None of that mattered. What mattered was that he "got some". And I was "some".


I am getting through this now--I am 25--by accepting how I feel. Right after this occurred, my mom punished and abused me for being angry. So, I was afraid of showing anger. All these feelings I had in me were buried. Buried for almost 2 years. 


Now, I write poetry expressing how I feel. I openly discuss it with others. My older brother and sister know. My friends know. My roommates know. They all know. I don't care about rejection because I know they are good people. Good people don't reject you for something bad that happened to you. Good and sane people don't expect you to be happy all the time. Good people don't punish you for being angry.


If you need to contact me, you can contact me at my tumblr page: odetowomen

DicksonBeckson
DicksonBeckson

Are you sick? Have you been battling with strange and funny illnesses? Are you in a situation whereby the doctors have done necessary tests and said there isn’t anything wrong with you? ... These were all my stories until I met with a total cure for them all... His name is Dr. Payo Shalo says my mom... I was almost at the point of death. It was that serious that I was just placed on life support even as the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me. My mom just came to my hospital bed one morning and said she had found a solution to all of my sufferings (because that was what I referred to the situation I was in then)... She said she was going through the internet and she came across some testimonies of how some people who had similar cases as mine were all cured off their illnesses through the power of this voodoo man. Without hesitation, I told her to contact the man, Which she did and she went on with the procedures as instructed her by this voodoo man (these procedures, I wasn’t aware of because I was in a really bad shape then, And whenever I asked my mom she would say I shouldn’t bother myself about that...that it was something she could handle). Not to bore you readers with too much of my story, in seven days from that day my mom told me about the voodoo man, I was cured off this killer disease that was at the verge of taking my life. Want to share your testimony like me? Contact the voodoo man on his direct email address... payospiritsshalospells’’AT’’yahoo’’DOT’’com (rewrite the email in its right form)... I AM NOW A HAPPY AND HEALTHY YOUNG MAN ONCE AGAIN...THANKS TO DR. PAYO SHALO

BrainAdams
BrainAdams

 
How To Win Your Ex Back
my heart is so full of joy and happiness after 3 month of break up with my girlfriend, i contacted a great spell caster Dr Ben who i share my problem with and he get it solve for me with in the next 48hours after the spell, my girlfriend call to apology to me and come back to me with love and happiness all thank to Dr Ben contact him via mail okosisi.temple@gmail.com now

MaryHanson1
MaryHanson1

100% percent sure! The only person that i can boldly say he can cure any herpes deceased and that can also solve any relationship problem, is this great herbalist man called dr. goodluck after i came in contact with him, thank you dr. goodluck for restoring my relationship back and CURE GENITAL HERPES OUT OF MY BODY you can contact him through his email on: dr.goodluckspell@hotmail.com or call him on +2348078467513

lmc2454
lmc2454

I was raped by my ex husband at the age of 15, he was 20. I got pregnant and was forced to marry him by my parents. A year later he viciously raped my 13 yr old (at the time) sister. It was also kept secret from everyone. I am the one who caught him in the act. For over 10 yrs I was subjected to his sexual, physical and mental abuse. I finally found the courage to get away. I'm 61 now and our children are 45, 40 and 36. They have all in the past 4 or 5 yrs. been involved in his life again. The thing is, I seemed okay for many years, all of a sudden I am reliving all the horrifying things that happened yrs ago. It won't stop and is affecting my life horribly. A part of me wants to tell my grown children about their father, but also do not want to hurt them. Our son was also molested by my ex husband's brother at the age of six. Do I try and release some of my anguish I'm feeling again by coming clean to my children? Please help me, i don't know what to do to make these nightmares of my past go away.

stephans
stephans

My girlfriend, now 27, was raped by her step-dad when she was 10 and several times. The step-dad still lives the mom and my girlfriend feels forced to visit them a few times a year. He never got a punishment or took responsibility for what he did.

She told me about the rape earlier, but it seemed she was fighting internally and was mostly OK. However, the more time we spend together, the more she opens up about the consequences of the rapes, the more evident the pain and suffering are. While she is a lovely person whom I adore, it is obvious that she is fighting with a much bigger problem that I could imagine and it impacts almost everything she does.

At the same time I have enormous respect for what she is going through and I want to be able to help her. On the other hand, I don't want to mis-step and cause her amy more pain than absolutely necessary for her to come to terms with this fact of her life. Advice is welcome.

robertblongley
robertblongley

@stephans having been in your shoes, this will most likely impact every area of your relationship going forward.  I'm guessing her mom doesn't know (which explains some of the conflict).  If she does know, or doesn't want to know, that's almost worse.  Sooner or later this is going to turn very messy.  Your girlfriend is currently trapped with a catch22 of spending time with her mother or spending time with her rapist because it's the same experience.  The brain can't process this type of conflict so I'm guessing there are times when something sort of switches in her and she's not really there mentally.  Or she seems different in how she reacts to you.  Basically it comes down to feeling safe.  Unfortunately you have a situation that makes that impossible on a regular basis.  Solving it is likely to make things worse - at least temporarily.  This is a longer discussion, but figure out what she would like to do about the whole situation.  Knowing that putting him in jail doesn't always happen, and doesn't always help.  A lot will depend on her mother. Who will she support?  This is where it gets hard - especially if she is one of these people who defends him "he was drinking then" or "I can't support myself if he goes to jail and it was a long time ago".  I was luck enough that my wife's offender died at a young age and we had no contact anyway.  You don't have that luxury.  Happy to discuss options if you want to contact directly.  

amber2
amber2

When I was around 5-7my brothers touched me and did some things to me, they are only a couple of years older than me. Lately I've had some unrelated issues that have left me really emotional. for years I have told nobody and acted like it was okay and sort of just forgot about it, and I'm 15 now and I finally told a friend but I'm scared because he wants to let my parents know and I'm scared that this isn't rape and that I'm getting my brothers in trouble and I'm scared to see what they think of me I'm wondering what will happen if people know??? Do the police have to get involved??

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

@amber2 i had a similar experience like u.. just that i have only one brother... I forgot about it too.. sort of.. I love my brother so i will never tell my parent about what happened, because i don't want to cause him trouble or cause trouble to me.. but sometimes i feel like shit because of what he did to me.. now i have a boyfriend.. he loves me and i dont know if i should tell him... he and my brother get along very good.. 

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

@amber2 so its like this with u... if you think that your brothers need to be punished for what they did to you, then tell the police.. otherwise i woudn't do anything but only if u get along with ur brothers. 

Wifeofabused
Wifeofabused

I just learned tonight, after more than 1 year of marriage, and a year of living together my husband was molested and raped at 13. He refused to tell me who, except the person is dead now. He is a good father, good person, good man all the way around. Except sometimes he drinks excessively. Very occasionally. But when he does he says irrational things to me. I have always chalked it up to the alcohol. But not tonight. I have cried, and pleaded Lord help to help him. I don't know how. But I do know I want to be here, I have strived to be a good wife, and I do not want to fail him now. Please tell me what to say, do, whatever I need to do to make him never want to just die again. He's been to Iraq, as a soldier, he's lost a son before he knew me. And now I find this out. Please help me to help him.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Wifeofabused Please remain calm and focused. Its a long road just to get YOU educated and cared for, let along him. I suggest you go to malesurvivor.org and join the Friends & Family Forum.  There IS hope. Neither of you are alone in this. There is SO SO SO much help out there! Malesurvivor.org is a great place to begin.

I would also strongly suggest you get him to counseling ASAP if and only if he's willing. DO NOT PUSH.  We are not ready to deal with sexual abuse until WE say we are.

A GREAT book for either one of you is by Mike Lew: "Victims No Longer." It saved my life!

jpg11
jpg11

Thank you for sharing your story and how you have turned your life around over the years.

I was raped on a few occasions when I was 6 by my older brother who was an adult. It would happen during the night and that too when there were other family sleeping in the room. I would be awaken from my sleep. I questioned my brother who would say its nothing. I didnt think anything of it more at the time.

I think karma struck him quickly as he was critically ill a few months after and was taken away to a specialist hospital. After that he was married so luckily it never happened again.

In my early teens when I knew more about what had happened I used to have fights with my older brother and say Im going to tell mum what you did. He would always threaten me whenever i tried and this is were I guess I shut my feelings to the world. It affected my relationships with my dad and other brothers as I would only find comfort with my sister or mum.

I am now married for over 9 years with a beautiful young son, but with many ups Jand downs since then. I have always brushed my problems under the carpet due to previous experience as a child. The last breakup was difficult and I came out to my wife. She was very supportive and understanding providing comfort I required.

I have since confronted my brother that too in the room where it all started and my mum after . This helped but he did not admit to mum or me. As a result it has been eating me inside.

I cant come to turns with what he has done to me and the denial. Now he has denied all wrong doing and has asked me for corespondence and proof! the cheek after whats domw.

I guess I have joined a specilist agency supporting suvivors in these scenario.MY older brother is denying and wants to do a lie detector to which I agree. Lets what this plave.

Porphyria
Porphyria

I've been struggling with the memories of being raped as a child. It started at 3, a woman that watched me. I saw her page on Facebook about a month ago and have been having real issues coping with it all over again. I feel like seeing her out there and happy after the awful things she did to me, but I'm too ashamed to out her or tell anyone but my husband.

I didn't realize the pain I was still carrying in me. I have recurring nightmares she is a werewolf rating me alive.

I just can't stop reliving it.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Porphyria YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING!
Do as YOU wish, but outing her will most likely make you feel awesome. She deserves a horrid death, and I hope she gets it!

kplog
kplog

I recently found out my boyfriend was raped 5 years ago, long before i met him.

I really want to help and try to get it settled and help him move on.

 But it's such a long time ago, and though he talks about it now, I don't know how i should encourage him to tell me everything, and though i try to tell him it's not his fault, there was nothing he could do, and that i love him just as much as i alway did, I sometimes find it hard to figure out what i can say to make him feel better, or to help him open up.


Does anyone have an advice?? How would a professional psychologist handle this? All i want is that he talks to me so i can help him get better. Something in particular i should say, ask or avoid??

gunboyrob
gunboyrob

@kplog First, please be aware you can't fix this for him. No one can. If he is not ready and willing to talk about it, please do not push for it or even mention it. Its his thing to own in privacy until he's ready to do otherwise. Pushing before he's ready will result in nothing but negative/destructive reactions.

If you found out about this by any means other than by his own words, I'd be super respectful about his privacy. His keeping this a "secret" is what keeps him able to function...but it can also be his undoing as time goes on. 

Prosecuting the perpetrator, confronting him/her, any of that. It HAS to be kept all up to him.


I'm trying to say this in the most caring manner, but it may not read that way.


You are not a therapist...and you cannot be HIS therapist, so do not try.  It never works out well. If and when he chooses to discuss this with you, just be there for him if you care about him.  Don't try to fix it! I'll say that again....don't try to fix it/him. You can't.


Don't hand him a book...or a therapist's phone number. He knows how to Google.


Be the very impressive friend you have shown yourself to be already. You clearly care very much about him.

kplog
kplog

@gunboyrob @kplog I did find out because he told me about it, I just would like to know how a therapy session works. What things do people discuss, etc. I don't want to make awkward silence or cause him to feel he can't talk to me :-/

lostnotfound
lostnotfound

Its very hard for me to speak about my rape. I was raised in a wealthy town where everyone is "perfect" and anything less was unacceptable to both the community and my family. So from a young age I learned to bottle things in and put on a smile. So when I confided in my step-mother about the rape and she ignored me, I wasn't surprised. After that it took me years to talk to anyone. I had just turned 15 years old, I had been in a relationship for a year. I was in love, obsessed, totally infatuated. I loved him, and so when he raped me I didn't want to call it rape, even though I knew what he had done. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again, and I'm sure a lot of you know that that's hardly ever the truth. I stayed with him for five years being emotionally and sexually abused. At some point I stopped saying no and stopped fighting, and that's where my guilt begun and continues to this day. Yes, he raped me. But I always have this nagging feeling that I should have done more. I know now as an adult that he in a way brainwashed me, had control over me in every aspect. He would tell me what to wear in the mornings, tell me to lose weight even though I was already thin, he took me from my friends and family. This person took a part of me and I don't know how to get that back. Going home for break is difficult, seeing him drive down my street or seeing him at the country club. I wish I could just shout to everyone what he did, take him to court, make him feel as miserable as I have; but at the same time I don't want that at all. All I want is closure. I want to have a regular fight with my fiancee and not feel fear, I want to shake this feeling that I did something wrong or that I didn't fight hard enough, I want to accept that I did what I knew to do to make it through at that point. I guess I'm posting on here because I don't want this burden anymore but I'm not sure how to let go of it. 

gunboyrob
gunboyrob

@lostnotfound I wish I could make it all better man! I really do! All I can do right now is to say I believe you and let you know that you are not alone in any way.  I URGE you to seek help in some of the ways I found to be life-saving.


WEB: malesurvivor.org (a never-ending depth of resource and help)

Book: Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

Jackaltar
Jackaltar

I started trauma therapy today. 30+ years after being sexually abused by my grandfather and raped by my brother at 10yrs old.

It was tough. Beyond overwhelming and traumatic. My body shook as my therapist led me back to embrace the broken little girl inside me...

What I struggle with the most is the.complete denial from my family. The injustice. My family has all but disowned me. They protect my brother. Even though he was proven as a perpetrator when my younger cousin shared a similar story about him at a family wedding almost a decade ago. Only weeks ago my dad said "It's sad you blame your brother for the injustices you feel". Wtf? I guess that's coz I'm adopted (found out at 17... I just turned 40) and he is his real son....

I'm so angry. How do I get justice? I self destruct whilst he gets to live a happy carefree life, supported our 'family', whilst I get shunned into the crazy box.

I want to scream. I want to go to his workplace and inform everyone that he's not this respectable nice guy. HE'S A RAPIST. HE RAPED HIS SISTER AND SCREWED UP HER LIFE AND HIS COUSIN'S . HE IS VILE.

How do I get the justice I seek...?

And don't give me airy fairy BS about working on myself.

I want him to pay for what he's done to me and my beautiful cousin....

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Jackaltar One of the problems with all abuse is that Justice is optional.  Some people get it, other's don't.  there's a variety of factors at play and some of it is just luck.  Unless you have a lawyer or prosecutor who is pushing this for you, I think you may want to give up on the idea of traditional justice.  So where does that leave you?  I have my doubts about therapy at this point, but I don't know your situation.  You don't seem like someone who wants to relive her childhood.  You are looking at in third person and it's just plain painful to watch.  So why do it?  there's a difference between reliving an experience and sharing it.  Maybe the later is where you should focus?  You probably can't help your 10 year old self, but maybe you can help another 10 year old.  I know you aren't there yet, but everything happens for a reason - even this.  Some people come into your life to make part of it so horrible that you go in a different direction.  Unfortunately most victims stay in the same place and want to unring the bell.  They don't go in the direction life sent them.  A life well lived is the only justice.  

Jackaltar
Jackaltar

Robertblongley

Did you write the above article?

I'm curious. I look forward to you sharing some information on your credentials before I respond to you..

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Jackaltar   Yes I wrote the post.  Not sure what you are l looking for in the way of credentials.  I don't have a bunch of initials after my name, but I have testified at a legislative session, done several interviews and written a book for parents of child sexual abuse victims.  I've also spent 15 years building case management systems for both victim and offender populations.  I have a blog for parents of sexual abuse victims and I'm a life coach, among other things.  As the parent of a victim I sat through 48 court appearances over 4 years and the stress almost killed me.  I can't tell you how many therapy sessions I've been to over the years.   Hope that helps clarify my point of view.

Erose
Erose

My brother who is 7 1/2 year older than me raped me repeatedly between the ages of 4 and 6. Our mother died when I was 8. I told my

Mum and dad about it but never heard back. My brother aged 33 now still lives at home with my dad while I forced myself to move out at 18 and have never stayed there since. I have to see him all the time and pretend like nothing happened. None of my family know bar my auntie and cousin who still see him. I've been with my boyfriend now for 18 months but don't have the heart to tell him. He's a big guy and would kill my brother in a heartbeat. How can I expect him to be ok with it and sit opposite him at the dinner table at Christmas.

I'm 24, so lost, angry and numb. I want a real life but this is just eating away at me. I don't know what to do. Please help.

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Erose It's interesting you are concerned about your boyfriend sitting across the table from your brother at Christmas.  What about you?  I'm sure it is infinitely harder for you in that situation, but like many victims you sacrifice your own safety and security to protect those around you.  Victims so often keep their pain to themselves until they are concerned about someone else being hurt.


I would like to offer up an idea that you may or may not want to explore.  I'm guessing that your brother may be equally lost and probably a bit of a screw up but not necessarily a bad person (by most people's estimates).  11 year olds generally don't rape their siblings based on sexual interest.  This sounds more like sexually reactive behavior that was the result of some form of abuse (to your brother) - normally physical.  the end result is the same, but there may have been other factors at play.  It's almost a programmed response for some kids.  He may not even remember doing it.  Or maybe he does and he's ashamed of it.  Now if your brother is a sociopath that enjoys hurting other people, that is a different story, but I think you may be both hurting from something that was originally caused by someone else.  My point is that you might both benefit from some therapy to sort things out.  If you are going to have a relationship with your brother, it might as well be one you are comfortable with.  Now if the scenario doesn't describe your brother, I'm not sure you are doing yourself any favors by continuing to have a relationship with him.  


As far as your boyfriend goes, I think he's been around long enough to share your secret.  But I would wait until you have looked at the situation with your brother.  Do you want to fix the damage that was done to him, that caused him to hurt you?  Or is it time to cut him out of your life?  

annadie
annadie

I was raped by my uncle from 5 to 7. I hate myself for it. It's been 19 years and I still feel dirty and like I cant be loved or love. I have a 15 month old and a man who love me. But all I have is a need to turn my rape consensual and postpartum depression. I just want to die! I don't know how to cope.

alyssah
alyssah

@Scaredandconfused

Advice go to see a therapist. There are a lot of therapists that will be able to help and guide you. You don't have to forgive him. you don't have to prosecute him. you don't have to do ANYTHING! 

I was molested as a kid and sexually assaulted later in life.. also physically/sexually assaulted by my cousin. I haven't pressed charges on them. I won't press charges on them. I am angry at them. they hurt me and i'll never forgive them, but after a lot of therapy, i've gotten better. I can now say that i was victimized. I can also say that i've been aggressive sexually and recognize that is because i was reliving the assault. a therapist can really help you! and they can help you now. many people do not understand sexual assault. I hope that you will reach out to someone. The best place to go would be a Domestic Violence shelter or outreach. 

Scaredandconfused
Scaredandconfused

I don't know what to do.

I was consistently raped by my brother for three years when I was only 6 years old. The situation was badly dealt with and nothing was done. Now, ten years later I still suffer everyday due to his monstrosity of an act. I'm scared and he jokes about rape now. I don't know what to do, because now I fear that one day he may do it again and I would never be able to live with myself if that was the case. On the other hand I do not want to ruin his life, he just got into law school, but what he did was rape and somehow I'm the only one who paid for it. Please please please, I'm begging all of you, help.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@Scaredandconfused You know what? YOU have so much greater consideration for HIM than HE has for YOU!!! You owe him NOTHING! HE owes you more than he can ever repay.  If you have an ounce of love for him, maybe you can forgive him if he asks for forgiveness. Maybe you can forgive him if even if he does not ask for it from you...but you owe him nothing. So don't worry about "ruining his life," because he really did not care one lousy hoot about ruining your life, mental health, your sex-life, married-life, self regard, self esteem, etc.


Law school? Sorry, but this guy ought not be going to Law School.  He does not qualify to be a lawyer. The only reason he has not been refused admission is because he has not yet been prosecuted for this MOST heinous crime against a CHILD!!!  He needs to at least resign his admission, else you might want to save this world from a monster occupying such a position. That's up to you, but just because he got into school, does not mean he should be there.


Let him experience some "being a man" for a change. Give him a chance to be accountable. He'll never be able to "make things right," but he can sure stand in judgement but our society's court.


Don't do this alone. Get someone on your side and deal with this as you can and as you wish...but YOU come first, and YOU are the ruler over your life from here-on.

Has he even asked for forgiveness once? Ever?

swellscarter
swellscarter

@Scaredandconfused 

If you do nothing about what your brother did, he will do it again and again. And once he gets into law school he will then learn how to beat the system. I know this because I have dealt with this and many other situations that have gone unrecognized.

You did nothing wrong, and making him accountable is not wrong, it is sometimes freeing and sometimes difficult. But you have friends out here and where you are...your not alone...

All draw
All draw

When I was 10 and my sister was 13, she'd just finished sex ed and decided she wanted to try it out with me. I didn't know what I was doing, so I agreed, for about 6 months this carried on until we just stopped. I was too terrified to tell anyone until I met someone who had a similar experience, who has come to be my best friend. She helped my through it and I help her through hers and eventually I built up enough courage to tell my parents, but when I did they didn't believe me, they believed my sister who denies it. Since then I haven't brought it up to them, but I'm trying to move on with my life and forget about it.

kaaiiaa99
kaaiiaa99

when i was about 6 years old i was ''raped'' by my brother... i dont know if i can say rape because we didnt put his penis..... he just touched me everywhere and i had to touch his penis... this happened about 3 times.. i didnt know its wrong cause i thought: okay, he is my brother, its okay.. i also kinda enjoyed.. now i am 16 years old... i really love my brother, all this years, when i remembered what we were doing i just thought okay this happened long time ago, he forgot i forgot.. but now i dont know anymore.. now it seems to me that  all the things that he does for me he does them because he is affraid that i am gonna tell parents or something.. sometimes when i am showering he keeps coming in the bathroom.. but i don't want to lock the door because then my parents are giving me a hard time..... now i have a boyfriend.. i dont know if i should tell him or not.. today he touched me (my boyfriend) down there and i cant decide if i liked it or not... i was really excited when he started,, but then i felt so horrible... i cried.. i dont know how to tell him.. and i dont know if all this is because of what my brother did to me.. 

Sandy 2526
Sandy 2526

When I was 11 years old I was staying at a friends place he was 14 I was asleep in the room all I rember is waking up to him on top of me my pants were off my shirt was pulled up I didn't know what he was doing I was in pain and scared the next day I told his mum she told if I said anything she would come after me my brother didn't believe me everyone went out the next day left me and him and this girl jade there jade push me into the room he came in with baseball bat hit it against the wall near my head he put his hand down my pants and done stuff I push him then jumped out the window and I'm not sure if that is classed as rape? Or not? I haven't spoken about this to anyone but I can't help but replay it in my head 24/7 :,(

SheilaJoy
SheilaJoy

This happen to me to, but, like today, when I was trying to explain that I shared my story on Facebook for a college class assignment, all my family, except my parents told me they hated me, that I should keep stuff like this in the family. That my brother Tony who rape me, may lose his job, because of me telling a lie. Until tonight my parents told them it was not a lie. That they have hated me for telling the truth. I forgave my brother long time ago, I'm just tired of God telling us to tell the truth, and I did, and I'm the one that is still been punished for what he did to me. They hate me for the truth, I forgave him and will keep asking God to give me strength. Because reading your story has, given more strength to keep speaking the truth, and trust that God will keep healing me inside and out. I do not know you sir, but, I can say, I love you more than you can understand, your story gives me the strength to trust in Jesus and God, and let my sisters and brothers keep hating me, and their kids even do to. For speaking the truth, and may God one day let all them know the truth, about what he did, and make him speak it from his mouth. 


Thank You 




Sheila 

swellscarter
swellscarter

@SheilaJoy   Hate is a strong word. If they really can hate you for something you had no choice in, think about if they are with you or afraid of the truth, most people are.

You have so much pain to deal with and you need to believe and have faith. Do not let anyone take that from you.

One thing God said that would be hard for us , is to love those who don't love us back.


When my father assaulted me, I knew what confusion, self worth, shamed, guilt, and mostly alone felt like.

But that doesn't help anything but a very wicked future...


Focus on your own healing and not what they feel so much. There are people that will help you, this message this young man shares is a great start. don't let your life go in the wrong direction.


Be a champion for yourself...stay strong and know you did not the wrong thing, but now you can do the right thing...


Letmedie
Letmedie

It happened to me. It happened from age 7.5 to 14. it happened a lot.

Though I was saved by Jesus, I've had to learn to walk this path fully alone. After 30 years, I disclosed about the sexual abuse at the hands of 4 older boys, then my life got even worse.


There is no support out there. I've lost everything the drug and alcohol helped me attain. I've lost my wife, my kids, my credibility, respect. I've found new and amplified shame, self loathing and disgust of the degrading piece of filth i was and covered-up.


Some cultures look at the victim as too foul to accept. I agree (in my case).


I've given post-disclosure, open healing a 7-year attempt...all to no avail. things just keep getting worse and worse. No church will address this...they won't even listen.

When a church bends over backward to help junkies and drunks, but turns away a phenominally depressed sex abuse survivor with PTSD and severe depression...there's got to be a good reason.


All I want to do is die.

Don't send the white-coats and police. I have no plan...no time or date...all I have is a want. All I want is to die.  The depression is too much. the shame is too horrid and solid. All i see in me is a disgusting waste of a life.

This world, this nation, our churches...none of them are ready to look at us without employing the myths and wrong conclusions. Better off dead.

SheilaJoy
SheilaJoy

@Letmedie


I understand, I told the truth, and I got mistreated and no support, but, I want you to know, as long as we who have suffered things like this keep telling the truth, we are not alone. I know we cannot see God almighty but, he will make them all pay. He teaches us to forgive, not for those Ass wipes that hurt us, It is for use so that the Devil will not hurt our life no more here on earth. So I do not know you, and I ask you, live do not give up, Do not let no one NO More still your joy, life, from you. I love you, if that helps, because those of use who have suffered this are not alone. We are family, we are each other strength and support. I hope you will see that , like I did. May God give you strength. 

1331serena
1331serena

@robertblongley @Letmedie i am female but i know every feeling  u feel ,,,all  of it ,,including  the suicide ...i have no clue why i am still on this earth,,,,,some thing out there  just did not  let me die ,,,,i was in  a coma on life support for 2 days ,,,,,  i thought i was  going to end  it all,,,all the  hurt ,lies, pain .....even today it  is  far  far far  from  over ,,,,,i have been waiting  for  justice for  almost 4 years  now ,,,i  had  kept my secret for 35 years  ....im 40 and  still  my  father  walk  free ,,,10 years over 3000 times  he  did  the worst things  to me ,,i was 4 when i first remember him  performing oral sex on me ,,,and    his hairy  nasty  penis  ,omg ....and to top it off he got  another  little girl 9 years old 4 years ago,,,,this is  when i came forward ,,,,there   is  proof  beyond proof  ,,his own hand written  letters ,,,,85 of them we  turned  it all in ,,,,that was  almost 4 years ago,march 3 he  had another  court  date ,,,they  postponed again  until sept 15 of this year .......when i got this news the  other  day  puked  ,cried,,,,can;t eat ...havn;t been  with a man  in  3 years ,,,all  i wanted was  for  some one to care enough  about me to  put  him where  he belongs ,,,,,'',they ''the  system   are  cruel !

Letmedie
Letmedie

@1331serena @robertblongley @Letmedie Serena:  I'm so very sorry to hear this from you; about you.  Humanity is stunningly in-human, and cruel. I am crushed every time I hear of any child being abused, but there is a special pain and hurt associated with a little girl being hurt. 

I no longer have much to offer others in pain, except a virtual hug. I can't even pretend to understand the world that hurt us, except that only the injured seem to understand each other's pain.

SvenCM
SvenCM

@Letmedie I, too, know your pain and suffered rape at the hands of a parent after years of emotional abuse and molestation. I finally found healing through seminars given by jpiihealingcenter.org. Next open session is schedule in June. Be there and get some healing and peace in your life.

Letmedie
Letmedie

@robertblongley Robert, You said "You don't seem delusional, you are just frustrated.  Suicide by people in your position is generally not the result of depression, it's a lack of problem solving skills."

I've been trying to see this; see if its true, or if this is the state of things. I simply don't know. But not knowing, I will go with an outsider's advice and not wish for death without a fight. LOL....i guess i can think clearly enough to know I may not be thinking clearly.


As a child, I promised myself I would tell people about the violence done against me in my own home and never allow it to happen to others. I also promised myself that I would never ever let anyone know about the sexual stuff from the older boys. Even though I wanted good people to know how badly messed-with I was, I vowed to never betray my childhood conviction of secrecy. 


I broke that vow in order to seek help, as I was a sinking ship. I got torpedoed as a result. I think maybe I have to give up on humanity, and go back to living within my own shell, as I know for a fact that I CAN keep going like that.

swellscarter
swellscarter

@Letmedie 

I felt that way a few times, I even planned the death of my offender. But never could do it because I was the better person, you can be the better person too.


NONE of us are going to get out of here alive. So death is inevitable.  But why do you think it is a thing that must be done by your own hand?


My mind kept telling me it was the greatest act of coward or greatest act of strength. Thank God I did not have the strength.


My life has not been perfect, not even close, but I am a Survivor and a Champion.


And I know from personal knowledge that God puts the strongest soldiers on the front line...


I have been through abuse and much more. I'm not perfectly happy but I am proud for surviving a tough and ridged journey.


Stay strong and look in the mirror . if you can smile, enjoy it. I would love to smile and have people see it. But I am smiling inside.


Helping others also helps you. Find Like people and build your family from that...


ps Im not telling you what to do, I just felt like reaching out to you...

brian198
brian198

@Letmedie  I know your pain distinctly I was raped for 6 to 9 and suffered physical and mental abuse from my family till I was 15. I KNOW but the answer is not death nor will it ever be my friend. My savior was a my therapist as hard it was to admit it was even harder to talk about. I want you to think about this as like deep cleaning your house it looks a mess till it is done than it is better. Call your local rape crisis center they have the help you need and most of the time for free. They HELP it will be hard and painful but it works, My friend if you need more help then what you're receiving now than go to a center and get more help. Your life is far more valuable then you may ever believe. If Lewis does not mind I will post my website here also as a male survivor I want you to know you're not alone and it can get better.

robertblongley
robertblongley

@Letmedie A few thoughts - first, you are not alone.  You just haven't met people who can show you the way through this.   Churches are generally not the enlightened places to deal with sexual abuse so just accept that and look elsewhere.  Check out 1 in 6 or RAIN.  

Regarding your thoughts of suicide, who wins when you do that?  I don't think there is anything wrong with you other than you had some terrible stuff done to you as a child.  You don't seem delusional, you are just frustrated.  Suicide by people in your position is generally not the result of depression, it's a lack of problem solving skills.  remember, obstacles in your path are there to make you change direction, not to stop you.  There are so many other outlets to deal with this - write about it, paint it, speak about it, but don't kill yourself.

If not for yourself remember that someone is going to have to deal with your suicide.  I've had to deal with 2 suicides of people in my house in the past.  There's nothing quite like having to rip out all your carpeting because you can't get the blood out. Patching bullet holes is a lot of fun as well.  Don't do that to someone else.

You can't undo what was done to you, but it can be a foundation to build on.  Remember that living well is the best revenge.  

Trackbacks

  1. […] Howes made a huge step when he wrote about being raped as a child. It must have been an enormous work to digest and […]

  2. […] Howes made a huge step when he wrote about being raped as a child. It must have been an enormous work to digest and […]

  3. […] a long process. I finally told my parents just a few months ago. Thank you Lewis Howes for opening up and being authentic. You’ve inspired me to write this, and I hope many more men […]

  4. […] was a huge inspiration for me to open up about being sexually abused as a kid. (I shared my story here on the […]

  5. […] realize they are eating you alive, like the sense that I wasn’t worthy of love or success after I was raped by a grown man when I was five. I kept it a secret for 25 […]

  6. […] What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving … http://lewishowes.com/podcast/what-rape-taught-me/ I was 5 years old when he raped me. The only other … I never understood why this would happen to me, an innocent child who just wanted to love everyone. […]

  7. […] What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving … http://lewishowes.com/podcast/what-rape-taught-me/ I've been struggling with the memories of being raped as a child. It started at 3, a woman that watched me. I saw her page on Facebook about a month ago and … […]