What Sharing My Childhood Rape Taught Me About Being a Loving, Vulnerable, Free Man


familyI was 5 years old when he raped me.

The only other memories I had before that vivid experience was my first day at Kindergarden where I colored in an outline of Clifford The Big Red Dog.

The other was taking brownies to pre school for classmates on my birthday.

However, what I experienced after one school day with the teenage son of my babysitter, I may never forget.

I don’t have any other memories before this of my older brother Chris playing his violin, my dad throwing me in the air, or my mom holding me as I cry to sleep.

This picture with my two inspiring and compassionate older sisters Katherine and Heidi, is not a memory either.

I wish I remembered that moment.

Then 2 or 3 years old.  Long flowing golden locks and a smile as wide as the ocean.  Trusting everything and everyone with my huge open heart.

I loved people.

All I ever wanted was people and the world to love me back.

For 25 years I lived in anger, resentment and defensiveness.

And it showed up big time, especially in sports.

No one knew what happened or why I was that way because I was so ashamed of it and though if anyone knew they wouldn’t love me.

To say I felt lonely growing up would be an understatement.  There were many days I told people I wish I were dead due to the shame I felt.

I never understood why this would happen to me, an innocent child who just wanted to love everyone.

Why would someone take this innocence and abuse it emotionally and physically?

It wasn’t until 25 years after that day I started to open up about it.

Facing it was one of the most uncomfortable and emotionally challenging moments I’ve ever had… but it changed my life forever.

In this episode I dive into what happened, the weight I carried for so long and the lessons I learned along the way.


I’m so grateful for every experience in my life, including this one, for the lessons it has taught me.  I want to thank my dear friend Jonathan Fields for guiding me during this interview and creating a space for me to share so openly.  You are a generous soul and a healer of hearts.

My friend Chris Lee, who created the opportunity for me to face this in the first place.  Thank you for the dedicated work you continue to do.  You and your humble service are a gift to this world.

Glennon Melton.  You are a graceful angel.  Thank you for your encouragement to share this openly and freely.

My family and close friends I shared this with personally.  Your tender love and acceptance when I finally shared with you allowed me to feel safe again with my child like innocence.  You mean the world to me.

I want the comments section below to be a safe place for you to share openly and free of judgment.  Do you know someone who has experienced sexual abuse or have you experienced this yourself?  What have you done to go through a healing process?  Or are you still holding onto something that isn’t serving you?

I’m here to listen, love and accept you no matter what. If you prefer to share anonymously or message me privately I’m here as well.

I don’t claim to be an expert in this matter, but I do know it’s worth a lot to share your experience with someone to allow healing to occur.  There is also a great charity that has a free support line to do this as well at RAINN.org along with other information and statistics on rape and sexual abuse (as it’s way more common than you think).  And one that is just for men at 1in6.org.

I also recommend listening to Dr. Guy Winch and his talk about healing emotional injuries.

Thank you for allowing me to share publicly with you my story.  I’m so grateful even if you took a moment to read any part of this post.

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