The way you were raised still has effects on you today.
It’s not that you should blame your parents. They did the best they could.
But you should be aware of how your current actions reflect the truths you learned growing up.
Growing up, my parents were raising four kids and working multiple jobs. I always felt invisible.
I know that a lot of what motivates me today stems from those feelings of not being seen.
For this Five Minute Friday, I revisited a conversation I had with Alanis Morissette where we talked about the stages of development and how they mold us into the people we are today.
Alanis Morissette is a singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actress. Her album Jagged Little Pill has sold more than 33 million copies globally. She’s also an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as physical and spiritual wellness.
Learn about Alanis’ upbringing and how it made her into the person she is today on Episode 759.
Lewis: This is 5 minute Friday!!
Welcome everyone to a very special edition of school of greatness podcast I’m so excited for our guest today. I had a pleasure of sitting down and connecting with the one and only Alanis Morissette. And for those who don’t know who Alanis is let me just share a little bit about her.
Since 1995 Alanis has been one of the most influential singer songwriting musicians in contemporary music, she’s earned 7 Grammy awards with an additional 14 nominations. A golden globe nominations and sales of over 60 million albums worldwide.
In 2015, Alanis was inducted into the Canadian music hall of fame. And outside of the entertainment she’s an avid supporter of female empowerment as well as spiritual, psychological and physical wellness.
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Why do you think you are pursuing the overachievement?
Alanis: Well it was one way to be loved, if I was moderate or if I was even less than average I would be even more invisible than I was. So for me it was being seen. And I can tell there were certain things that were on people’s radars “Oh my talents, oh my brain” or whatever. The top 10 things fill in the blanks where got the attention that I was so starving for.
Lewis: Why were you starving for? Parents mad seeing you?
Alanis: In some ways yeah.
Lewis: We’re like brothers and sisters because I was the youngest of 4 and I never felt seen or acknowledge or you know getting the love that my parent’s was just working all the jobs.
Alanis: And we’re not even taking the consideration of all the other internal stuff that’s going on about them.
Lewis: Yeah, they were fighting constantly and not happy because they got married when they were 18 and pregnant and they weren’t living their dreams so it was like a resentment.
Alanis: The consciousness level was different then, it wasn’t a thing to do that to make sure to develop or the boxes are checked. I mean that was even a conversation it’s almost barely one now you know.
Lewis: So you felt like they were never fully seeing you or just loving you or acknowledging you as the child you were?
Alanis: Well they were doing the best they could and I definitely felt loved, there were just so many aspects of my humanity that were just mist in the crossfire you know.
Lewis: that’s what I tell like my dad always talked me in and told me he love me but it didn’t like.
Alanis: It’s the specificity of the mirroring, so the state is a development [?] quickly the touch and the holding. I grew up and born in the 70’s so it wasn’t you know the time feminism also, the context is huge in consideration around this. So my mom went back to work right away and my twin brother and I was born, I ask you know basically wondering about the touch eye contact thing. There’s certain key things that happened during that stage where ideally we want the skin on skin eye contact thing or breastfeeding if mom can do it or not, you know just being able to have that stage development considered then the exploration stage and my bonded and attachment to move out in the world. Or is there no one there in the world to scare you or moving out the world the only option I have. And the 3rd one is identity mirroring. And not just 2 or 3 things mirroring called that concave mirroring where they just go “I’m gonna mirror that you’re a great athlete and that you are handsome.”
All right so the mirroring that could be inaccurate or straight up mirroring that’s not accurate like walking around the house and you go “I’m freezing” and your parents go “No, you’re not sit down for dinner.”
Lewis: Oh you’re fine.
Alanis: Yeah and like your eyes are crossing. But I do feel cold but maybe I don’t and maybe my impulse are wrong and when my impulse are wrong.
Lewis: I can’t trust myself.
Alanis: Yes, and the 4th one if competence and do it. So then some parents in the continuum do it the hyper. Because the best thing for me anyway is its own violence and then the other end of the continuum which is you’re good for nothing, you can’t do this. You know smirking when you have a dream and all that stuff. So that’s the very [?] version of the first four. So, I just think of how complicated it is to even sometimes understand it, let alone parents have to apply it let alone have them apply it when they’re freaked out and they’re wounded and they’re in the context where they don’t have enough energy.
Lewis: And know when to apply it is like how do you exactly know what they need.
Alanis: The art of parenting and doing it well enough and not thinking as a parent you have to be perfect. So that’s all that.
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