Esther Perel

Lewis: This is 5-Minute Friday!! Now Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships. She’s promoted the concept of erotic intelligence in a best-selling book ‘Mating in Captivity Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.’ Which was published in 2006 and since been translated in 24 languages, she has given 2 ted talks which have received over 8 million views, I heard her speak recently and it blew the audience away.

Esther: What is desire? Desire is to own the wanting. If you ask people a question that goes like this: I turn myself off when, I turn myself off by not you turn me off when and what turns me off is. You’re gonna hear I turn myself off when I do emails, when I spent too much time on the phone, when I overeat and don’t exercise, when I have bad days at work, when I don’t feel confident and numb myself when I feel dead, when I don’t feel thriving when I am not alive you will really hear that it has very little to do with sex, and when you ask people I turn myself on when or by I awaken my desires not when you turn me on when and what turns me on is. Which is you are responsible for my wanting.

Lewis: Right.

Esther: What people will talk to you about is when I am in nature, when I am connected with my friends, when I get to do my sports, when I play music and listen to music. It’s the stuff that gives me pleasure that is alive that is vibrant, vital, erotic in the full sense of the word as life force and from that place people remain interested in having sex with somebody else with a long haul. Because they’ve scratch their arms for 2 seconds, it’s I feel good about myself the biggest turn on is confidence. Confidence you ask people ‘When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?’ Every description has to do with when they’re in their element, when they’re on stage, when they’re doing their sports, when they’re radiance, when they’re on their studio on the piano on the horse and their element. I.E they don’t need me to take care of them.

Lewis: They’re not depress and down and lonely and sad.

Esther: They don’t need it because desire is about wanting. Love is also about needing you. Caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful (?).

Lewis: So, how do you experience love and desire at the same time?

Esther: You calibrate it.

Lewis: So sometimes you’re.

Esther: It’s the same as when you walk you’d have to move from one foot to the other, a balance is not about staying on one side a balance is the ability to see right now we don’t need caretaking, we can be mischievous, we can be naughty, we can be playful, we can break our own rules and can stay home and not go to work at 8 o’clock.

Now, we are in a playful zone, now we are at feeling we’re bringing our own little transgressions home we are live we’re not just being playful, responsible good citizens. It’s that it’s very small you know, I always think when I go and I see people at lunch and taking and they are well dressed and they’re awake and all I seem ‘Who is here with their partner?’ Because you can see them they’re engaged they are giving the best of themselves that’s erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner they are there with their friends, colleagues. The partners are gonna get the leftovers when they get home at night. Sorry, you know what forget the night day meet at lunch when you actually have energy you know and in the middle of the day like that when you’re awake you have something to offer. It’s a very small thing but they do it and you say ‘Why not?’ Why don’t you stay an extra hour in the morning and not just because you have a headache? And say this matters to me. All in all you know committed sex is premeditated sex it’s not just gonna happen because whatever is going to happen already has. So, you’re going to make it happen because you say ‘we matter, we’re important.’ Doesn’t mean if you’re going to make love or have sex, it just means we gonna take this, it is nothing else that matters at this moment but just you and I to be together to check in and then we’ll see what unfold. That’s the erotic space in which sex may happen, probably will doesn’t have to, but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge. But people don’t do that they do the responsibility that’s the love right? The citizen, the commitment, the caretaker, the burdens and then they say I’m bored, I would be too.

Lewis: Exactly. There’s no mystery, there’s no risk taking right.

Esther: There’s no risk taking that’s the word. If you want desire its risk and risk is an emotional risk it’s not about sexy risk, it’s really a risk on the emotional front that I bring something else to you differently from the way I typically present myself. What can I do today that will be different from the ways I have done it until now? How can I do something that I think that will actually improve our relationship? Me right? Not something that I want or that you want but I think that would be actually good for us the third entity. And you check every time how often do you just go on tried and as in you know it works.

Lewis: Hey guys if you enjoy this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show then you’ll love the free book I am giving away right now it’s called ‘The Millionaire Morning.’ And it includes some of my best tips for starting of your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at the millionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again check it out right now millionairemorning.com