Author George Sand said: “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.” But how do we find love?
In today’s digital culture, you might think it would be easier than ever. Dating should be as simple as swiping right and going out for coffee, right? But the truth is, it can be difficult to find a genuine connection with someone.
And for those of us who are in relationships, there are a million things that can get in the way of happiness. It happens all too often — couples struggle to communicate and end up in unhappy relationships or bitterly separated.
And I haven’t even mentioned sex yet — That tricky little word is so important, but it brings a lot of challenges.
We all want a happy, loving relationship with Mr. or Ms. Right. But how are we supposed to find that person?
Thankfully, I’ve got Mr. Stephan Labossiere in the studio today to give us some advice.
My friend Stephan — better known as Stephan Speaks — is a relationship expert. When he first came on The School of Greatness, he blew my mind with his insight into what goes wrong in relationships and how to find the right person. But that interview barely scratched the surface, and today we’re going to get even deeper into it.
If you’re ready to learn how to stop struggling in relationships, find THE ONE, and start enjoying the happy romance of your dreams, you do not want to miss Episode 994 with Stephan Speaks!
Stephan Speaks — also known by his given name, Stephan Labossiere — is a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author. From understanding the opposite sex to navigating the paths and avoiding the pitfalls of relationships and self-growth, Stephan’s relationship advice and insight help countless individuals achieve an authentically amazing life.
Dedicated to helping and devoted to keeping it real, Stephan’s straightforward yet compassionate delivery style attracts a varied clientele, including notable celebrities, civic and social organizations, academic institutions, singles, and couples alike, who can and are ready to handle the truth!
Stephan has been seen, heard, and chronicled in national and international media outlets, including the Tom Joyner Morning Show, The Examiner, ABC, and Huffington Post Live, to name a few. To coin a phrase by an individual who attended one of his speaking engagements, “He’s definitely the relationship guy, all relationships, all the time.”
He’s got some great books out there, and after listening to this podcast episode with Stephan Labossiere, you’re going to want to hear more of his stuff. His most recent publications are Find Love After Heartbreak, He Who Finds a Wife, and The Man God Has for You, and they all teach you about how to create healthy relationships with the right people.
He’s also launching a brand new coaching program: “How to Manifest the Life & Man God Has for You.” Ladies, I’m speaking to you here — if you are looking for the right man, you definitely want to check out Stephan’s coaching program! He’s a relationship genius and genuinely kind guy, and I know his advice will help you manifest the relationship you’ve been dreaming of.
I was so honored to have Stephan Speaks on my podcast, and we literally could have talked for hours. In this episode of The School of Greatness, Stephan talks about what we all truly want in relationships, some ways we can improve our communication with our partners, and how sex factors into all of this. I learned a ton from our interview, and I know you will too. Let’s go!
There are a lot of key factors we often bring up when we talk about romantic relationships. Three of the biggest ones are compatibility, chemistry, and connection. The problem is that we use those words interchangeably, but according to Stephan, they mean very different things.
Let’s talk about that first term — compatibility. Say you meet someone new, and you discover that you have a lot of the same interests. Maybe you both really value the live music experience, so you enjoy going to concerts together. Or perhaps you’re both fitness enthusiasts, so you get together at the gym. That’s compatibility.
Chemistry is something different. Chemistry is when you have two people, and the relationship just flows. You work together really well. Maybe your interests aren’t totally aligned, but you get along well and have a good working relationship. And chemistry can exist between any people — not just romantic partners. You can have good chemistry with your coworkers if you have good working relationships and you function well as a team.
Now that third term — connection — that’s the most important. You cannot have a successful romantic relationship without connection. And by “connection,” I’m talking about a deep, spiritual attraction.
“Connection doesn’t come or go. It’s either there, or it’s not. You can run from it. You can try to reject it. You can pile a bunch of trash on it … but it’s still there. … It’s the strongest and most important of those.” – Stephan Speaks
If you have a deep connection with someone, you have everything you need for a thriving, happy relationship. According to Stephan, chemistry, and compatibility — though often conducive to healthy and happy relationships — really aren’t entirely necessary.
“[Chemistry] can come, it can go. You can build chemistry. But funny enough with connection, you may not have what people perceive as compatibility. So you can have two individuals who you would never think are a match for each other, but yet they are filling this amazing connection with each other …” – Stephan Speaks
I see two important points in there. Number one: you can build chemistry. Sometimes it goes along with connection, sometimes it needs to be built, but it can flow naturally with the relationship. And number two: compatibility isn’t necessary for a successful relationship. It’s nice sometimes if you have complimenting interests, but it’s not absolutely essential. If you have a connection with someone, the relationship has the potential for success — even if you don’t appear compatible on paper.
Today, there are more opportunities than ever to find your connection. Online dating platforms have helped tons of people find successful long term relationships and marriages. And they’re particularly helpful right now while we’re still experiencing a pandemic and we can’t go out and meet people as usual.
But there are plenty of pitfalls and dangers when it comes to online dating. So, I asked the relationship expert for his top do’s and don’ts, and as usual, my friend Stephan came through with some great advice.
A lot of times when we set up our online dating profiles, we go into it thinking, “This is the type of person I’m looking for.” But that’s not the information you should be putting on your profile! Stephan says you should think of your profile more like a marketing tool — you’re just marketing yourself.
“… Why would I choose you out of all these people online, but I don’t know what you bring to the table? What value do you present? … In marketing, the job is to present value to the consumer, to say, ‘This is why you should buy my product.’… [So] don’t make it all about you, make it about what you bring to the table.” – Stephan Speaks
There are a few reasons why you should make sure to have several pictures on your profile. One of which being that you want to avoid being seen as a catfisher. If you only have one picture up, people are going to be skeptical of your profile — they may not trust that you are a real person, and you could miss out on connections.
But you also just want people to know what they’re getting if they choose to meet you in person. Stephan recommends posting at least one full-body picture. That way, the person you decide to meet for a date isn’t surprised when they see what you look like. You don’t want them to be imagining an athletic person only to find that you don’t have that body type. It’s best to post a full-body picture in addition to your headshots so that your potential dates know what to behey’re expecting.
A negative attitude is not attractive. If you’re putting negative energy out into the world, you will not attract the kinds of positive and happy people you want to date. That’s why it’s not a good idea to say things like, “You should NOT message me if…” or “We would NOT be a good match if…” When you say negative things like that on a dating profile, you’re much more likely to lose out on potentially valuable connections.
If you follow those three tips and take Stephan’s advice, your online dating profile is much more likely to help you find a viable match!
Let’s talk a little bit about sex. We all know that sex is an integral part of a healthy romantic relationship. But it can get tricky. There are a million complications that can arise when people start having sex — surprise pregnancies, drama, and a whole range of emotional consequences can arise when a couple starts having sex before both partners are ready.
I knew I had to ask Stephan for his thoughts on how we should be handling sex in relationships, and he had a few pieces of advice. For one, while sex is fun, if you need to heal from any past relationships or traumas, you should probably avoid it.
“I’m not going to say it’s impossible [to heal while having sex], but … [it’s] highly unlikely. Sex is such a distracting thing, and we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. … There can be a host of things, and all of that will derail you in the healing process.” – Stephan Speaks
If you’re healing from anything in your past that may be affecting your current relationships, it’s probably best to leave sex alone until you’re sure you’re totally ready. It’s also probably a good idea to wait until beyond the first date to have sex with a new partner. Stephan says that sex on the first date definitely can lead to a lasting relationship, but since it’s so likely to create complications, it’s a better idea to hold off.
“I just think that we have to be careful with that mindset. … It doesn’t hurt you to wait. You’re not going to lose anything by being patient before jumping into bed. And you’re going to increase your chances of making sure you know what you’re getting yourself into. You’re confirming there is a connection there … But if you move too fast … now you have possibly set yourself up for other issues.” – Stephan Speaks
Don’t rush into sex. There’s no reason you must jump straight into bed after the first date with someone, and it’s really not worth the risk of potentially derailing the relationship. Slow down a little, really grow your confidence in that connection, and when both of you feel ready, then start to talk about having an intimate, sexual relationship.
I just want to acknowledge Stephan for sharing his wisdom with me again today! Every time I talk to Stephan, he teaches me so much about how to have healthier relationships. I truly enjoyed our conversation today, and I look forward to the next time we get to chat!
We already talked through Stephan’s three truths and his definition of greatness the last time he was here, so I decided to change it a little bit this time. This time, I asked Stephan about his own relationship journey:
“I’m still in the midst of God’s process of receiving [a relationship] in my life. I think the misconception by a lot of people is, ‘Well, if you know all this stuff, why aren’t you in a relationship?’ But the thing is, it’s not about being in a relationship. It’s about being with the right person and receiving the right person who you can align with, who fits with your purpose.” – Stephan Speaks
I truly wish Stephan all the best, and I know he’ll find his perfect romantic connection soon!
Thanks so much for joining me today, guys. If you loved this episode, share it on Instagram and make sure to tag Stephan, @stephanspeaks, and me, @lewishowes. I’d love to hear your biggest takeaways from the episode!
And don’t forget to check out Stephan’s books — Find Love After Heartbreak, He Who Finds a Wife, and The Man God Has for You — and his new coaching program, “How to Manifest the Life & Man God Has for You.” You won’t regret it!
Until next time, I’m wishing you all the happiest relationships!