One thing I’ve always struggled with in life is feeling like I was being judged. I was afraid of what people would think of me and I felt I had an image I needed to keep up. I’m sure you can relate.
I discovered that this was caused more by judgment of myself. I was judging everything I did right and everything I did wrong. Anything I did wrong I would beat myself up for.
One thing I’ve been working on is letting go of judgment. I try to observe when it’s there and not have any emotional attachment to it. It’s amazing how much the world can change when judgment isn’t in the picture.
On this episode of The School of Greatness we are joined by Gabrielle Bernstein.
Gabby is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Universe Has Your Back, and has written five additional bestsellers! She was featured on Oprah’s SuperSoul Sunday as a “next-generation thought leader,” and The New York Times named her “a new role model.” She appears regularly as an expert on The Dr. Oz Show and co-hosted the Guinness World Record largest guided meditation with Deepak Chopra.
Gabrielle is a certified Kundalini yoga and meditation teacher. She is also trained in the Emotional Freedom Technique and she’s a student of Transcendental Meditation, as taught by the David Lynch Foundation.
YouTube chose Gabrielle as one of its 16 YouTube Next Video Bloggers. Mashable included her in its list of 11 Must-Follow Twitter Accounts for Inspiration. Forbes called her one of the 20 Best-Branded Women.
Gabby is here to talk about her newest book, Judgment Detox, all about releasing the beliefs that hold you back from living a better life.
She gives amazing insights on how to control the feeling of judgment and find inner peace and respect for yourself on Episode 581.
TSOG – Ep581 – The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes
Lewis Howes: This is episode number 581 with number one New York Times best-selling author Gabby Bernstein.
Welcome to The School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro-athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur and each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now, let the class begin.
Anne McCaffrey said, “Make no judgements where you have no compassion.” Welcome to another powerful episode of The School of Greatness Podcast, we have my dear friend Gabby Bernstein on. For those that don’t know who Gabby is, she is the number one New York Times Best-selling Author of, The Universe Has Your Back, and has written five additional best-sellers.
She was featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday, as a next generation thought leader and the New York Times named her a new role model. She appears regularly as an expert on the Dr Oz show and co-hosted the Guinness World Record Largest Guided Meditation with Deepak Chopra. She’s a force of nature and people all over the world listen to her, watch her videos, read her books, come to her seminars. She sells out all of her seminars and she’s just an inspiring individual and a dear friend.
And we cover a powerful topic in this interview. It’s all about judgement. We cover where judgement actually comes from. Why we judge ourselves so much and so many other people. How to break free of the cycle of judgement, and how judgement is actually affecting our politics, our families, and our society and our health right now. We cover so much about this topic and Gabby really dives in deep about all these things.
Before we dive into the interview, I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week. And this is from Casey Lee. Casey says, “Lewis and team have created something extremely special here. The guests they invite onto the show have lessons that anyone can learn from, if they are willing to listen, take notes and apply what they have learned. I’ve been listening to the podcast in my morning commute for a month now, and I am not disappointed in how the positive content has changed my days for better, and helped me build a better mindset of positivity and renewed my drive to hustle harder while being a better human. Thank you, Lewis.”
So, Casey Lee, thank you so much for being the fan of the week. And if you guys want a chance to be shouted out on the podcast, all you need to do is head over to The School of Greatness podcast over on iTunes, or if you’re listening to the podcast on the Apple App right now, you can do that on your phone. So, go ahead and do that right now, for your chance to be shouted out as a fan of the week.
And also, if you haven’t got my new book yet, The Millionaire Morning, all about the morning routines, the mindset and the habits that can help you earn more money that day. I’ve covered a lot of research from the last ten years after being broke on my sister’s couch, and the actual strategies that I implemented to getting off the couch, to getting millions of dollars, plus research from a lot of other millionaires I’ve interviewed, went into this book.
And it’s absolutely free. All you need to do is pay for shipping and handling. We ship it all over the world. Just go to themillionairemorning.com and get your free copy. Again, check it out right now. Take a screenshot also when you get it in the mail. So many of you are screenshotting it, and tagging me on Instagram. Check it out, themillionairemorning.com.
I am super excited about this one! Again, Gabby Bernstein is a force of nature, she is inspiring so many people all over the world. If you’re listening to this right now, take a screenshot on your phone that you’re listening, upload it to your Instagram page, your Instagram story, tag myself, @lewishowes and @gabbybernstein right now so that we can both see you on Instagram and connect with you.
I pretty much respond to almost everyone that I can, so send me a direct message, screenshotting this on your story, and I’ll reply to you, hopefully, if I can get to all of them, but I like to have as many conversations as I can. And I know Gabby would love to see who’s listening to this as well. So, go ahead and do that on Instagram, Twitter and let us know.
Alright, guys I’m super pumped! Again, let me introduce to you, the one, the only Gabby Bernstein.
Welcome, everyone, back to The School of Greatness Podcast. We have the legendary Gabby Bernstein in the house. High fives! We’re a little farther away than normal, but it’s okay. Good to see you and congrats on the new book.
Gabby Bernstein: It’s always good to see you. Thank you for having me back on the show.
Lewis Howes: Of course. Judgement Detox is in the house. Make sure you go get it right now. Your last book was a huge hit. Number one New York Times best-seller, so congratuations on that. You’ve got this other book out right now, why “Judgement Detox”?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, this is definitely my most timely book, and I don’t know that I planned it. I think the universe has my back, Lewis. And what happened was, when I was writing, “The Universe Has Your Back”, there was a chapter in the book about judgement. And I wrote this whole chapter about how we had to heal our judgement in order to deepen our connection with the universe.
And I recall writing that chapter and then being at the end of that chapter, and just dropping my hands and thinking, “Oh sh*t, this is a book! This is an entire book.” Because I realised there was so much more I had to say on that topic. So, right after The Universe Has Your Back published, I sold this book and then I wrote it right away.
It was in the middle of the 2016 elections, so we were at the height of the most divisive time we’ve ever seen. I’m writing this whole book on judgement. I personally always write what’s going on for me, so I’m in the midst of some of the most deep rooted judgemental dramas of my own life, and I’m just writing about all of that, and just through the process of writing this book, as it always happens, I had an amazing experience of healing myself and healing my experience of how I judge and what judgement was doing to me, emotionally and physically and mentally.
Lewis Howes: What was it doing to you?
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, it was blocking my power. It was blocking my connection to my relationship to a higher power. It was blocking my connection to my intuition, it was blocking my capacity to attract what I wanted into my life. It was affecting my relationships, it was making me play small. It was keeping me stuck in just a really low vibe. Because I didn’t even realise how judgemental I was until I started writing this book. And that’s the thing that I think, unfortunately is going to happen for everybody when they read this book, is they’re going to go, “Uh-oh!” And it’s really not unfortunate, because in order to heal those patterns we have to look at them.
Lewis Howes: Where does judgement come from?
Gabby Bernstein: What I wrote about here, is that judgement comes from the moment of separation. So, all of us in our own lives, in our own different experiences, particularly when we’re young children, have experiences of separating from the genuine love and compassion and connectedness and oneness and the truth of who we are.
And that separation could happen as an infant, it can happen as a two, three or four-year-old. It can happen in high school, and those moments of separation are those moments when someone in some way makes you feel inadequate, or you hear something that implies that you’re better than, or less than. Or you start to pick up the experiences of the world, or your parents’ belief systems that in some way infuse this belief system that you are different, that you are not good enough, that you are alone, that you are better than, or whatever it may be.
And all of those moments of separation become belief systems and they become thoughts that we keep thinking. And as we start to develop that separation over and over and over, it becomes the belief of who we are, it becomes almost the pretence that we place upon ourselves.
And so, that deep wound that we have from that moment of separation is something that we run from our entire life. And judgement is just one of the ways that we run.
Lewis Howes: So, is it like an addiction, then?
Gabby Bernstein: Exactly! That was my next sentence. You are always thinking far ahead! And you know, you are one of the best active listeners I’ve ever met. This is why I love coming on this show, because I have this amazing experience of having this man having this active listening. My husband’s really good at it too, actually.
Lewis Howes: Most men aren’t that way? Are you being judgemental of men?
Gabby Bernstein: No, actually, can I be honest with you? No, I think actually women are not as good at active listening than men are. Men are probably even better at it that women, yeah. But it feels good to have a man really listening and responding. I think all of us should be active listening. Women are just such great multitaskers that we’re, like, it’s hard to actively listen.
Lewis Howes: Sure, so it’s more of an addiction to mask the pain?
Gabby Bernstein: Yes. So the same way we would use drugs or alcohol or sex or love or whatever it is, to avoid feeling our deep rooted feelings, we use judgement the same way.
Lewis Howes: Because it makes us feel better about ourselves.
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, absolutely. But seemingly, for a moment in time. So, what will happen is that we’ll feel that feeling of inadequacy, we’ll feel that feeling of shame. We won’t feel it, we’ll notice it and then we’ll say, “Okay, I’m not going to deal with that, so I’m going to project out what I do not want to feel within. And that projection, that pushing out, becomes an addictive pattern.
And then there’s a cycle. Because ultimately what happens is, we’re putting it out because we don’t want to feel and then we feel guilty, unconsciously, because we’ve judged, because that’s not the truth of who we are. So we judge ourselves, often, for judging, or just judge ourselves for who we are. And then we don’t want to feel that feeling and so we judge somebody else again. So it becomes a very vicious cycle.
Lewis Howes: Wow. Do you feel like you were more judgemental of others, or yourself?
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, uh, probably 50/50. I think that I was more obviously judgemental of others, but that judgement of others was just projecting out the judgements I had about myself. So, I also believe that when we judge others, we’re often judging others for the disowned parts of our own shadow.
Lewis Howes: Now, is it judgement if you don’t say it to anyone? If you just say it to yourself, like, “She looks really weird today,” if you’re just saying it in your mind? Is that still judgement?
Gabby Bernstein: Yes.
Lewis Howes: Now, is it worse to verbalise it to other people then?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, it just creates more momentum behind it. So whatever we say out loud just becomes perpetuated, as we speak it.
Lewis Howes: When did you realise that you were so judgemental, I guess? Or you were in this space, or that it was an addiction of yours?
Gabby Bernstein: Writing this book was when I realised it. Yeah, when I was writing the book, I was just, like, “Oh, man, this is not good!” And then I put my face on the front which was really quite brave. Now, when I walk around then my husband’s like, “Judgement detox! Judgement detox!” But I realised it when I was writing the book. Because writing the book I started to feel this really deep sense that the important thing that I did here was the first step in the book is to “Witness your judgement without judgement.”
Lewis Howes: Not judge yourself when you’re judging others.
Gabby Bernstein: Exactly! Because I noticed myself, throughout writing this book, I had to pay close attention to my own behaviour because that’s what I was asking the reader to do. And I was applying all the steps to myself, and so I really had to live that first step of, to not judge myself for all the judgements, because it was just unbelievable.
Lewis Howes: So, how do we end the judgement of ourself, of judgement?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, that first step does a really nice job of letting you off the hook and giving you full permission to look at your behaviour and love yourself anyway. And sometimes when you have that self-help book author just saying, “This is the task. This is the exercise, the exercise is to love yourself anyway,” that feels good.
Lewis Howes: So, love yourself, even if your entire life you’ve judged people and made people wrong or hurt people through your words or whatever it may be. Let it go, and start fresh, essentially.
Gabby Bernstein: The steps that follow that first step, give you the pathway to undoing the pattern, and the first step is really just the simplest part, which is just, simply, look at it. Just look at it and be aware.
Lewis Howes: Of you being judgemental in general, and that you are judgemental.
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. And start to understand; you ask yourself four questions in the first step. So, what or whom am I judging? How does it make me feel? Why am I justified in that judgement? And is there an experience from my past that has caused me to believe in this judgement? So, an example that I did: I did Dr Oz yesterday, and I was workshopping a woman on the show. And so, I was, like, “What or whom are you judging?” And she was like, “I’m judging myself.” And I said, “How does that make you feel?” And she said, “It makes me feel really inadequate, it makes me feel less than, it makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
And then it was, “And why do feel justified in that judgement?” She said, “Well, I’m overweight and I don’t do this right and don’t do that right,” and all these different things that she feels about herself. And then I said, “What was the experience from your past?” And she said, “When I was a kid I was judged.” This was with the off-camera part. The on-camera part she wasn’t that vulnerable, because it’s a little tough, you know?
But to hear that story that she felt judged, then she then became the judger. There was an experience, a specific experience in her life where she felt judged and that put, and she knew that that was the moment when she detoured into that belief system.
Lewis Howes: Are all of us judgemental from early ages, do you think?
Gabby Bernstein: Yes. I think that we are not born that way. We are born with the god within us. We are born with that truth of who we are, we are born in that ease and that light and that love. And I believe that and I know that is true for everyone. And we’re born into circumstances that build up these pretences and these belief systems around us that create false judgemental beliefs, and that false judgement becomes the detour in the wrong direction.
Lewis Howes: Especially in elementary school, middle school, high school, it’s almost like you have to be judgemental, right? To fit in and to have friends.
Gabby Bernstein: To survive, yeah. And these days it’s just a pervasive issue.
Lewis Howes: Oh, with Instagram and Snapchat.
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah, I mean these kids are all day long just judging themselves and comparing themselves, and looking at the likes. And adults are doing it too. So that’s why I think this is such a timely book. It’s not just because of what’s happening with the moment to moment judgements that we’re seeing politically or globally, but also the judgements that we’re experiencing from this high speed experience of seeing ourselves against other people all day long.
Lewis Howes: What’s worse, judging others, or judging yourself?
Gabby Bernstein: I think it’s the same thing. It’s going to have the same effect. Yeah.
Lewis Howes: What’s possible for us when we stop judging ourselves or others?
Gabby Bernstein: Alright, so let me be super clear. Practicing this book doesn’t mean that we stop judging.
Lewis Howes: It’s always going to happen?
Gabby Bernstein: So, my experience has been, that it’s not that I gave up judging entirely. I mean, I judge far less. It’s that I don’t believe in it any more. And then, on top of that, I do catch myself quickly. So even this morning I was with my publicist, Jessie, and we were at an event and I was talking with my event partners and I was complaining about something that I had that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to and I was getting into it about the partner that I had that didn’t do a good job with it.
And then, I heard myself speaking and because of my practice here I was able to literally unwind it in a minute, in like, thirty seconds, I was, like, “But the good thing is this.” And I was able to replace it with something better. Because I saw that that judgement was lowering my vibe, it was lowering their vibe, it was creating this whole low vibe experience that I didn’t want to have. And because of my practice, and my dedication to the judgement detox, I was able to get out of it really fast.
And so that’s the miracle. The miracle isn’t that it’s gone. The miracle is that you don’t believe in it any more.
Lewis Howes: Right. How do we handle it today, though? Just like you said, with the political climate, there’s so much of the leadership that is judgemental and just constantly judging and it’s showing us how, showing us the example in a high form of leadership. How do we navigate all this? And with everything in general, with the sexual harassment cases that are coming out, with everything that’s happening?
Gabby Bernstein: There’s a difference between judgement and discernment. So, discernment is, let’s just be real. We have an unfit president. I’m not judging him. I have a deep compassion for him. I actually have deep compassion for him. I’ve practiced this book on him, okay? So I have a deep place of compassion for him and pray for him to get well. That’s real, I mean that. Because I don’t think he’s well. That’s where we’re at, right?
And this isn’t about anything political, this is just, this is not right. And so, with that feeling of this is a situation of someone not being well, when we practice these principles, we come from a place of compassion. And that compassion begins to dissolve that boundary of judgement. And that’s been my experience.
Lewis Howes: So being loving as opposed to judging.
Gabby Bernstein: Well, it’s seeing people in their innocence. There’s a step in the book called, “See for the first time”. And that’s a step that’s really bold. It’s a step where you have to really turn back the story and choose to see someone through the lens of love.
I don’t know if I shared this story the last time I was on. Did I share the story about my father at the temple?
Lewis Howes: I’m not sure.
Gabby Bernstein: Alright, I’ll tell you now. So, in the book in the “see for the first time” piece I tell the story about my relationship with my father and how I had a pretty tough time, a pretty difficult relationship with my dad, and we’d always argue, and we’d get into these heated debates about the same issue over and over again. And it would keep coming up every weekend.
And there was a week right around the time of my birthday, that was my grandfather’s yahrzeit, which means the anniversary of his death, in Jewish religion. And my father, every year, celebrates both his parents’ yahrzeit. He goes to temple, he calls my grandparents’ names out and it’s a really beautiful thing that he honours them.
And so, I was in this really heated debate with my dad, we were arguing, and fighting, and at the end of the conversation he said, “You know, Gabby, I feel really judged by you,” and this was right in the middle of when I was writing this book. And I was like, “Well, you know Dad, I am judging you. And I’m actually writing a book about this right now, and I appreciate your feedback. I appreciate you presenting this to me and helping me see this from a different lens.”
And so, I took that in. And then at the end of the conversation he said, “Okay, I’ll see you next Friday for temple and then we’ll go to dinner for your birthday and then we’ll go to temple for Papi’s yahrzeit.” Okay. So we go to dinner, and typically my family always says we show up late for temple, because that’s what we did every time we’d go to temple.
And we’d sneak in the back and we’re standing in the back of the temple and we’re listening to the sermon and as God would have it the sermon is all about compassion and love and kindness. And I’m just sitting there and I was like, “Oh, my God,” and I’m thinking about all these things. And it was just like he was literally speaking to me exactly what I needed to hear.
At the end of the sermon, the rabbi says, “You know, there’s a very lovely family here tonight, they’re a family that’s been in this congregation for many years and I want to really acknowledge the Bernsteins. Edgar Bernstein’s here with his daughter Gabby and his son Max and his wife and I want to really acknowledge Edgar, because Edgar’s here every single year on his father’s yahrzeit and his mother’s yahrzeit. Really honouring his elders. And so this year I went into the archives of our membership box. And I have all these membership cards from our members. And I pulled out Seymour Bernstein’s membership card for Edgar.”
It was his father’s membership card. “And I wanted to give this to Edgar tonight. So, I saw my dad in the temple that night, and this is making me very emotional, standing there in the temple in tears. Just standing in his stillness and crying and really just moved deeply from this moment. And I was so deeply moved by that and I could see him in that light. And in that moment, I was really able to see him for the first time. I could see him as a member of a community. I could see him as a man who shows up for his elders. I could see him as someone who was acknowledged by his rabbi. And it was just a real moment of dissolving the judgement. Then I went home and I wrote that chapter. How to see for the first time.
Lewis Howes: Wow. That’s a beautiful story. Yeah, because there’s so much probably, tied in to family relationships because of all the situations we’ve grown up with as kids, with our parents, that it’s hard not to judge our parents. I think a lot of kids judge their parents, right?
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah, I mean, they’re probably the people we want to judge most because we blame them.
Lewis Howes: For everything, right? It’s hard to be a parent.
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah. That’s where the forgiveness step in this chapter comes in. The sixth step in the book, the chapter 6, is about Forgiveness.
Lewis Howes: In order to be less judgemental, we need to forgive first?
Gabby Bernstein: So, forgiving comes last actually. So, in this book, because ultimately it would be amazing if you could get into the practice of forgiveness and it becomes a second nature, but I really put this as the last step in the book, because, ultimately my hope was that you could go through this journey of unravelling and undoing the belief systems of judgement, first, so that by the time you get to the place of forgiveness, you feel more connected, you feel more aligned and you feel like it’s going to be something that can be bestowed upon you. Because forgiveness isn’t something that we have to go figure out. Like, a lot of people say, “I have to go forgive, I have to make that happen.” Really, forgiveness is something that’s bestowed upon you.
Lewis Howes: Do you feel like you’ve forgiven yourself for everything?
Gabby Bernstein: Not yet, no.
Lewis Howes: What’s still not to forgive?
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, you ask all the hard questions!
Lewis Howes: What’s still on your mind that you haven’t forgiven? About yourself?
Gabby Bernstein: I think that I’m hard on myself, and I have to try to forgive myself. I mean, even yesterday I was in my therapy and I was like, I realised that I was having some physical stuff come up and I was blaming myself for it.
Lewis Howes: Like physical sickness, or what?
Gabby Bernstein: Like my stomach, I had some stomach stuff and I was blaming myself for getting so stressed out that my stomach would be upset. And my therapist reminded me in that moment, she was like, “This situation that we were discussing,” that will not be discussed on the Lewis Howes podcast, this issue that we were addressing in the privacy of my therapy session, she’s like, “This is the trigger. That’s your core wound. This has been triggered. Of course you would be stressed. Of course you would get sick.” And it was just having somebody see me in that innocence, helped me forgive myself.
Lewis Howes: You don’t want to share the trigger?
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, god, no. It’s all wrapped up in a lot of things.
Lewis Howes: Okay, so you haven’t forgiven yourself for that thing.
Gabby Bernstein: You know, yesterday I did. Yesterday I had a moment of saying, “Yeah, okay. You know, you were triggered again and this is how you responded and this is the best you could do, and you got sick from it, and you’re getting better now.” Yeah.
Lewis Howes: What happens when you’re triggered? Do you feel like, you just tightened up, or you’re stressed out inside and you put a lot of pressure on yourself, and you feel like that’s what’s the cause of it?
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah, exactly. So when I get triggered I, yeah, my stomach tightens, I get riled up, I go zero to ten.
Lewis Howes: Is it more, and you don’t have to tell me the thing, but is it more a personal thing, or is it more a business related thing?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, it’s all a personal thing, but it shows up everywhere. So, we’re all triggered. This book is going to trigger your triggers. It’s not going to trigger your triggers, it’s going to help you understand how to manage your triggers. And let’s not talk about management, let’s talk about heal. The whole second step of the book is to honour the wounds.
And honouring the wounds means that the wounds that live beneath the judgements are the reason that we act out. That’s the reason that we talked about earlier. That’s the reason that we pick up the drink or we use the judgement.
Lewis Howes: It’s the trigger, right? The root trigger.
Gabby Bernstein: It’s the trigger. And so, when that thing that…
Lewis Howes: So don’t manage it, heal it.
Gabby Bernstein: Heal it. And so, in the second step I use emotional freedom technique, which I know you interviewed Rick Ortner, so everybody already knows what tapping is, because they listen to every single show, so they never miss anything. But, they use EFT and that tapping exercise is one of the most powerful ways to heal the root cause and the energetic disturbance that lives beneath the wound. So, I tap all the time.
Lewis Howes: Yeah, because it’s a constant practice. You don’t just say, “I’m healed one time.” We got to practice it all the time.
Gabby Bernstein: We have to practice it all the time.
Lewis Howes: So I can’t just meditate for a week, or tap for a week, because it’s going to come back at some point.
Gabby Bernstein: No, you got to keep it going. You can have transformational healing from tapping, and walk away and be, like, “That’s gone. I’m good.”
Lewis Howes: Yeah, but I mean, if we’ve got twenty, thirty years of conditioning, of triggers, it might take five, ten years of practice for that to fully heal to where we’re not triggered every day it happens, you know?
Gabby Bernstein: The nice thing about something like EFT, is that it can be healed in five sessions or one session. I mean, I’m sure Nick told you the miracles. So, it’s like, you can have that. But then there’s nuances of those triggers, it’s like there’s aspects.
So in tapping we talk about tabletops. It’s like you have different aspects of the issue, and you kick out one and then you got to kick out the next one, you got to kick out the next one, the table can collapse. And so, there still may be other aspects that can come out, so you have to keep tapping to kick out those other aspects.
Lewis Howes: Yeah. Is there a society, like a country, that judges the most?
Gabby Bernstein: Probably the US. I’m just guessing.
Lewis Howes: Yeah, probably. And what happens to our world when we’re judging more?
Gabby Bernstein: Right. Great question. So I think that, and I wrote about in in the book, the reason for a lot of the world issues that we’re seeing today, the root cause is judgement. Think about it. Terrorism, it’s judgement. It’s separation, it’s seeing separateness. What we’re seeing politically. Separation. It’s seeing with separateness.
Lewis Howes: Obesity, all of the challenges we’re facing with that.
Gabby Bernstein: Exactly, it’s separateness and inadequacy that have led to self-judgement and attack and then projected outward. The fear that everyone’s feeling is coming from that sense of separation. That feeling of not feeling safe, not feeling connected. Feeling very alone. And so, that is an issue that has become an epidemic and we’re seeing it all throughout the world. And, ultimately, right now, I feel that, what my hope and my intention with this book is that each individual that has the opportunity to go through these six steps. My prayer is that, as they create those shifts in their own life, that they will begin to carry the message.
Lewis Howes: It will ripple out, yeah.
Gabby Bernstein: And it’s not even about necessarily feeling like, “Oh, now I’ve got to go teach this,” which many people may feel called to.
Lewis Howes: Just being it.
Gabby Bernstein: Being it, yeah. You’ll just take that moment, like I did today and you’ll back it up and you’ll start over. Or you will just not do it.
Lewis Howes: When you’re noticing someone’s being judgemental of you, what’s the best way to approach that conversation? As opposed to being mean about it? How do you start that conversation where you want someone to end judgement of you? Like your dad said with you, “I feel like you’re being judgemental.” Is there a way or an approach? Say your girlfriends are being very judgemental of other people. Is there a way to have the conversation? Where you say, “Hey, I’m noticing that we’re being very judgemental, including myself.” Is there a way to talk about it?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, there’s two things. One, if you’re feeling judged by someone, the first question you have to ask yourself is, “How am I judging myself?” Because we wouldn’t have the feeling of being judged if it wasn’t something that was a wound within us. So somebody was saying something about you, but it’s not your trigger, I’m sure this happens. You’re a very public figure. People may say stuff, “Oh, Lewis Howes…” But if it’s not your trigger you’re like, “Whatever!”
Lewis Howes: It doesn’t matter, but when it hits a trigger…
Gabby Bernstein: When it hits a trigger! Oh my gosh! Knives out! Knives out, right? And so you and I have a lot in common, you know, because we’re really, really nice, but when you mess with us it’s like, “Get out!” And that’s the thing, and my mantra is, and I can curse on this show, right? My mantra was always, like, if you *__* with me, you *__* with death row. Can you believe this spiritual teacher is saying this. But, you know, I was always very loving and kind, but you do not want to mess with me.
And I’ve done a lot of tapping on that, even with Nick. Nick even was even, like, every three days, “Are you ready to put down the knife?” So, there’s work that I’ve done around that where I’ve had really big relief. And then there’s more to do, because my trigger is: feeling taken advantage of. So, if I feel like I’m being taken advantage of…
Lewis Howes: Why are we so similar?
Gabby Bernstein: Well, you know, we’ve got similar stories, you know. So, it’s like if you had experiences in you past where you’ve been taken advantage of, particularly as a child, you are going to protect yourself. And just, my heart goes out to everyone out there who has had any experience where they’ve felt in any way abused or attacked. I mean, all the women who are speaking up right now, it’s just unbelievable, and the men who are brave enough, like you to speak up.
When we see that, it’s just, that’s the first step to putting down the knife. Just because we have those knives out because we’re protecting ourselves because of the shame and the fear, and the fear, fear, fear of it happening again.
Lewis Howes: What’s the biggest thing that’s opened up for you during the process of writing, besides your father’s experience and since the book’s been completed for you.
Gabby Bernstein: Oh, so much has happened throughout this journey. I mean, friendships have changed, work relationships have ended. Like, it wasn’t an easy year, but it was all in the pursuit of greater healing, and I can look back at a lot of the stories that I wrote about in this book, that I was living, and in a year they’ve been healed. Even if I didn’t go back to that work relationship or didn’t rekindle that connection, there’s love. Sometimes the miracle isn’t that you get back together, the miracle was that you are at peace.
Lewis Howes: You find peace.
Gabby Bernstein: My marriage is better. You know, my husband edits my books, so he edited this book, and we’ve just had such a nice opportunity to deepen our relationship as a result of living this practice.
Lewis Howes: Do you feel like you’re less judgemental of each other?
Gabby Bernstein: Much less, yeah. And we’re much more aware of the ways that we judge each other, and so, the other answer to the question you asked earlier, if you feel someone judging you, ask yourself what it is that I’m judging about myself, then there’s this other step where it’s really allowing yourself, rather than acting out from the place of the trigger, speaking from the place of your higher self. Saying, like my father did that day, “I want to let you know, I feel judged by you.” Because that can be heard, I think you can really be heard when you say things like that to somebody.
Lewis Howes: Who’s it not for?
Gabby Bernstein: It’s not for people that don’t want to give up judgement.
Lewis Howes: So, if you’re holding onto it.
Gabby Bernstein: Some people just feel really justified in that judgement. They want it. They’re not ready, they’re not willing and it’s not for the unwilling. It’s for anyone that wants to feel better.
Lewis Howes: All of us?
Gabby Bernstein: All of us! Anyone that wants to feel better, and is willing to go there.
Lewis Howes: Yes. Well, I’m excited about this. It’s out now, make sure you guys go out and get it: Judgement Detox – Release The Beliefs That Hold You Back From Living A Better Life. A couple of final questions for you. What’s your vision for your life this year?
Gabby Bernstein: I think I said this last year, so I think it’s a little bit, I don’t want to use the word shameful, I want to use the word… or sad, I want to bring light to it, I want to bring grace to it. But I shared this with you, I think. I’ve been saying very publicly that I want to have a child. And so my vision is, and yeah, I’m taking it very seriously now, and I’m ready and I feel that some of the work that I needed to put into the world has been birthed and this baby’s birthed and now I’m ready.
And we really do pray that when I’m on your podcast, I’m with my baby. I’ve been saying that for a long time.
Lewis Howes: I hope so too. We’ll do it with your baby there. That would be amazing.
Gabby Bernstein: Yeah, yeah. A picture of you with my baby.
Lewis Howes: I’m in. I already see it, though, I already see it.
Gabby Bernstein: I can see it too. And that’s the thing. And that’s actually a beautiful lesson for everybody for the new year. It’s like getting that momentum. You could hear me just now, let’s use me as an example, but you could hear me just now, going into, like, “Oh, I feel so bad because I probably said this last year on your podcast,” and getting into the drama. Or, “I hope it’s not another year where I…” you know.
But the second I started to pivot and say, “I see you with my baby,” you could see me light up and I can feel that coming, and so that momentum, that, it’s placebo, right? It’s, like, that belief and that momentum really helps co-create what you want in life, and helps you open invisible doors and find the doctors who will help you, or find the healing that you need to create what it is that you want to create.
So, catch yourself everybody, just like I just did, in the dramas, and drop your drama and pivot. And reach for a better feeling thought, very quicky.
Lewis Howes: Yeah! I love it! Gabby, I acknowledge you for constantly evolving and growing, and teaching us so many things that can help us live a better life. I mean, you’re a powerful example of what’s possible in the world to overcome so much. You’ve overcome so much in your life. Every year you continue to grow and help others heal, so I acknowledge you for it. The greatness in you.
And make sure you guys pick up a copy of this book, gabbybernstein.com, or is it gabriellebernstein?
Gabby Bernstein: It’s gabbybernstein.com, yeah!
Lewis Howes: gabbybernstein.com or anywhere books are sold, go check it out, send some love to Gabby’s way and get the book for a friend as well.
Gabby, you’re amazing! Thanks for coming on. I appreciate it.
Gabby Bernstein: Thank you. I love you.
Lewis Howes: Love you too.
Oh I loved this! I always love connecting with Gabby and hearing her wisdom and learning something new. Again, The Judgement Detox. Make sure to go pick up a copy of the book right now. It’s out in stores, you can go to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, everywhere else. We’ve got the show notes at lewishowes.com/581 and you can get the link to the book there, so you can go buy it online and you can watch the full video interview of me and Gabby as well. Again, lewishowes.com/581.
And while you’re at it, go ahead and check out themillionairemorning.com. Again, if you want an extra, free book, it doesn’t matter where you live in the world, I’ll ship it to you. All you got to do is pay for shipping and handling wherever you are in the world and cover those expenses. And it’s all about the morning routine that can help you make more money that day. That’s right! Check it out, themillionairemorning.com and grab a copy right now.
Judgement is toxic and it holds us back from living our best lives. From having deeper relationships. From interacting better with our friends. From staying online and putting out good work. If we’re judging ourselves and judging others, we’re holding ourselves back from our gifts. It’s time to detox and let that judgement go. Because you are born as a gift, and you are meant to give your gift away. Living in judgement will only hold you back. And as Anne McCaffrey said, “Make no judgements, where you have no compassion.” Again, live with some compassion today. Be compassionate towards your friends, your family, people around you and live with less judgement.
I love you. And you know what time it is: It’s time to go out there and do something great!