Help me understand this: Why does it seem that relationships take a backseat when it comes to self-improvement? Often, you’ll hear things like, “I need a partner to accept me for me,” or, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” While the intention behind these statements is well and good, it can be easy to fall into the trap of not bringing the energy necessary to improve your relationships if you aren’t careful.
Now, I want you to imagine what it would look like if you did. Whether you’re already in a relationship or searching for one, how much would your life improve if you applied intentional self-development to relationships? How much happier would you, your partner, or your future partner be?
In Part 2 of my conversation with Erwin McManus, he shows us how he approaches building a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Specifically, we talk about his philosophy on love and the spiritual side of relationships. We also discuss ways to support our partners without controlling them, the keys to a healthy relationship, and so much more!
And let me tell you, this was a powerful one! So if you’re excited to learn more about the second part of my interview with him, then let’s dive in!
Who Is Erwin McManus?
Erwin McManus is a best-selling author, entrepreneur, fashion designer, filmmaker, and founder of Mosaic, a church movement based in the heart of Hollywood with a community that spans the globe. He committed his life to the study of genius and the pursuit of God never knowing that the two worlds would one day collide.
He is also the acclaimed author of The Way of the Warrior, The Last Arrow, and other leading books on spirituality and creativity. Currently, he’s written a new book called, The Genius of Jesus: The Man Who Changed Everything.
McManus finished his degree in philosophy at Elon University and earned a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He also earned a Master of Divinity from Southwestern Theological Seminary and a Doctorate of Humane Letters from Southeastern University. He currently lives in Los Angeles, California, with his wife, Kim McManus.
Erwin is a fascinating and spiritual person, and he has a lot of wisdom to share, so let’s dig in!
The Genius of Love
What does love mean to you?
The nature of life is relationships. Everything in us longs for connection and love. The great fire that burns inside each of us comes from the longing to be known by another heart. But it just seems like there’s a lot of struggle for people wanting to find love and intimacy more than ever. Many of us want to be loved, but we’re willing to do what it takes to sustain, build, and co-create it with someone in a conscious, healthy way. So how can we get out of that space and tap back into the genius of love and intimacy and co-creating them? Erwin talks about the importance of having the right partner to make this happen.
“To find a potential match, don’t look for someone who makes you happy. Look for someone that you naturally make happy and [who] love[s] the authentic you. … You aren’t in control of someone else’s happiness, and trying to do so can be exhausting.” – Erwin McManus
Imagine being with a person who wants you to fit into their dreams instead of being the person you are. It would not be a good idea to have that kind of relationship, right? It’d sure be difficult and tiring. Beyond that, though, finding the right person also means finding someone who wants you to be the best version of yourself.
“My wife has always pushed me to be my best version of myself. … One time, I lost a company due to a decision a business partner made. I had to fly home and tell my wife, “I lost everything,” … and my wife looked at me and said, without a second hesitation, “I thought I was your everything.” – Erwin McManus
Wow! How beautiful is it to have a partner who’s there for you, supporting and loving you no matter what? That’s what it means to find someone who wants you to be a better version of yourself. Just like with Erwin and his wife, it’s having someone tell you to get up off the ground, create, and make something happen!
Erwin’s story reminds us that having the right partner is the key to achieving the genius of love. We need someone inspired by us, who wants us to be great, and loves the authentic us.
Creating A Better Relationship With Your Partner
You might think that having the perfect partner is the end of everything. But just as Erwin believes, relationships should be taken care of the most. They need to flourish because they might just get filled with conflicts or end up in something else.
So how can we make our relationships better, and how can we develop more loving relationships with our partners? Here are some of the things that Erwin suggests:
#1: Listen to Their Dreams
As I’ve mentioned, the right partner inspires us to be better people but we need to encourage our partners to be better versions of themselves, too. To do this, Erwin talks about the importance of listening.
” One way you can help your partner become a better version of themselves is by listening to their dreams. … For my wife, I listen to the dreams she put on the back burner when she married me. … It includes the dreams that are still haunting her and her wishes to live her life.”– Erwin McManus
By listening to our partners, we can help them make their dreams come true. They’ll know that they are indeed loved and essential in our lives.
#2: Cheer, Not Coach
Sometimes in our relationship, our partners have habits that we don’t like. These could be truly bad habits or things that we think are unhealthy to surround ourselves with. In cases like this, many of us are tempted to coach them on what needs to be done. For Erwin, this response won’t work. Instead, he suggests another way of dealing with it.
“You have to learn to say, I totally support you in that. I’m not going to help you change this. I will cheer you on as you change because I don’t want you to feel like you’re changing for me. You have to change for yourself.” – Erwin McManus
By cheering instead of coaching, our partners will see that we are genuinely on their side. Yes, it might not help them get rid of the bad habit, but we can cheer them on as they work on it. And the best part is, they know that they can make it happen because someone’s there rooting for them!
