Esther Perel

A Tibetan Buddhist monk, the Dalai Lama, said, “Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.” And Dolly Parton said, “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”

It’s a fact — relationships are beautiful but sometimes painful.

There is always pain and suffering in every relationship — heartaches, stress, anxiety, depression, pressure, jealousy, and more. No relationship exists without being hurt in some way or another. Pain is always a part of relationships — there is no relationship if you don’t get hurt at all. Can you choose to be in suffering or not? Can you learn to suffer less over time? Suffering will always be there, whether you like it or not. But the choice is yours if you want to suffer less over time. 

Today, our special guest will talk about relationships that determine the quality of life. She is the perfect person to talk to about this because, as a relationship expert and a psychotherapist, she has helped millions of people manage their relationships in business and their personal lives. She is an incredible leader, writer, thinker, and coach. She is my inspiration, and I’m happy to bring you, Esther Perel!

Who Is Esther Perel?

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and an organizational consultant for several Fortune 500 companies worldwide — to keep up, she is even fluent in nine languages! She is also the executive producer and host of the celebrated podcast Where Should We Begin — a podcast for anyone who has ever loved and How’s Work?, where she provides one-time therapy sessions with co-workers and co-founders, giving them a new perspective on the invisible forces that shape the connections, dynamics, and conflicts in the workplace. Her popular TED talks have more than 28 million views and counting. 

Esther Perel is also a New York Times best-selling author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, a book that took a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity. Another bestselling book of Esther’s is Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence that investigates the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and discusses what it takes to bring home lust.

In this episode, Esther Perel will help you understand why relationships are hard for some people in business or with an intimate partner, the different ways to make a relationship work, and how to manage distressed relationships. It’s an incredible interview packed with valuable insights. So buckle up, and let’s dive in.

Pain and Suffering in Relationships

Many people are searching for perfect relationships — unfortunately, there is no such thing because relationships are a continuous journey to perfection. There will be trials and obstacles that may cause pain and suffering. Is there a way around these trials to avoid pain?

“There is always going to be suffering as part of life. Yes — you’re going to deal with loss. You’re going to deal with tortured hopes. You’re going to deal with the disappointments, with heartbreaks, with death. … Nobody is going to tell you that there will never be [a] loss — and loss is probably one of the most important sources of suffering.” – Esther Perel

Suffering is not a choice — it is a part of life. The moment you enter into a relationship, you should be ready to suffer and bear the pains of the journey in that relationship. Is there a choice to suffer less?

“I think that you don’t suffer less — you suffer differently. And the most important thing is, … you’re not alone. … That’s why we read books that inspire us from other people who have also lost and found their way back and [seen] the light again. … They created new hope, … reconnect[ed] with someone and allow[ed] themselves to love again, … have another child, … [or] start another business. … You have a sense … that there is hope, that you’re not alone, that there is a day when it won’t hurt and ache as much, that there is a day you will be able to wake up, and you won’t be … obsessing over it.” – Esther Perel

Sometimes, a breakup may look like the end of the world. However, you’re not alone in this pain because others have experienced the same heartaches. And yet, they were able to move on with their lives — they are now happy with their present relationships. So, if you feel like you are at the end of your rope in your relationship and you’re in pain, take inspiration from other people. Remember, time will heal the heartaches — you will wake up someday, no longer in pain in that relationship.

A breakup is just one of many painful experiences in relationships. There are many forms of suffering — emotional, mental, social, and physical. A battered wife is physically and emotionally suffering—stress and anxiety at work cause mental sufferings in employer-employee relationships. Racial discrimination creates social suffering in relationships with the community, and jealousy is emotional suffering in a relationship with an intimate partner. 

It’s no wonder many people find it hard to figure out how to manage suffering in relationships. Many are always struggling, whether in intimate or work-related relationships.

“Why is the simple feeling of loving or caring not enough? — Because the entire human drama is really complex the same way as nature is complex. So, is human nature complex? … I spent my whole career studying what is changing in relationships. [Do] you know why are they more complicated today? Are they more painful today? …  We live … in traditional societies where relationships are clearly codified. There are clear rules — there are roles, there are obligations. There’s a tight structure from which you can’t get out. But it tells you clearly who you are, where you belong, where you’re rooted, and what’s expected of you. All of this was super regulated.” – Esther Perel

Every relationship comes with responsibilities to the other parties. There are obligations and expectations. You don’t necessarily have to talk about the obligations, but sometimes some things are already expected by the other party without discussing it. When these expectations are not met, these become the source of disappointment, resentment, and misunderstanding — and eventually, suffering and pain.