Jordan Peterson

If you find that your jealousy is caused by some insecurity, it’s important to talk about that with your partner. Say outright, “I feel jealous,” and go from there. It might not be easy, but that’s okay. These can be incredibly difficult conversations to have.

The fact that these important, open-hearted conversations can be so challenging is also why Jordan believes we should all be taught how to communicate — and more importantly, negotiate — properly. 

Why Jordan Believes the Art of Negotiation Matters in Marriage

For those of you who are married or in long-term relationships: Have you ever felt like you’re the one who always does the dishes or the laundry? Do you feel like you’re dealing with big challenges alone, like supporting aging parents, raising a child, or managing the finances?

If you’re keeping those feelings to yourself right now, you’re not alone. It’s common in long-term relationships. It’s also normal to feel nervous when it comes to sharing these feelings with your partner — especially if you’re worried about how they might react.

Jordan says that being a great negotiator can help. That means figuring out how to articulate your wishes and needs to your partner in a clear, positive manner, and then inviting them to strategize with you so you can find mutually beneficial solutions, and that ensure both of you will get your needs met. 

“People fool themselves into thinking that it’s okay what they’re doing. ‘I’m sacrificing myself for the children and that’s okay. I’m sacrificing myself for my husband’s career and that’s okay. I’m working at a job I can’t stand because I need to support my wife and children and that’s okay.’ Sometimes that is okay, but it has to be out in the open, talked about, negotiated, and discussed. You can be a slave or a tyrant or you can negotiate. Those are your options. We default to slavery and tyranny because that doesn’t require any cognitive effort, and then we pretend that everything’s all right. Then it blows up in our faces and we end up divorced.” –Dr. Jordan Peterson

“A slave, a tyrant, or a negotiator.” That might be difficult to hear, but when you secretly feel like you’re always sacrificing your happiness and goals to make sure your partner is happy, over time you really can start to feel like a slave.  Likewise, if your partner has expressed that they feel as if they’re always sacrificing themselves for you and you aren’t getting your needs met, you may start to feel like a tyrant. 

But you can also feel like a negotiator, and that can be empowering.

The idea of “slave, tyrant, negotiator” is such an illustrative and succinct way Jordan helps us understand the roles we choose in our marriages and long-term relationships, and how we can work to build a foundation for success: become a good negotiator.

Jordan’s Parenting Philosophy

Jordan and his wife Tammy endured the trauma of having one of their children, Mikhaila, go through a serious illness for years. In the podcast episode, Jordan reflects on how his family maintained their resilience through it all, attributing it to the fact that he and his wife worked out long ago — together — what values they would commit to when raising their children, and what discipline or child-rearing philosophies they would apply. 

“We had to ignore [my son] a lot because he wasn’t dying. He was great, he rode through that like a master. If [my wife and I] hadn’t sorted out our child-rearing philosophy, it would’ve sunk us for sure. The serious illness of a child is an unbelievable stressor, but we sailed through that as well as could be hoped. Of course, there’s the odd regret. When you have a sick child, you have this terrible conundrum all the time of how hard do you push them. Sometimes we pushed harder than we should have, but at least we did that together.” –Dr. Jordan Peterson

I can’t even begin to imagine the difficulty they endured while seeing their daughter go through such tough times. However, I imagine it would have been much more difficult if, in addition to supporting their child through her journey, they were also at odds with one another as partners because they couldn’t agree on how to parent through trauma. We can learn from this: Before starting a family, talk about what values are important to you to instill in your children, and what parenting philosophies you’ll adhere to. More importantly, keep talking about it. 

Likewise, Jordan’s parenting philosophy is a great reminder that disciplining a child isn’t necessarily about punishing them when we don’t like their behavior. Discipline is about raising a child to become disciplined: in other words, strong and resilient.

Jordan’s experiences with his son Julian, years ago when Julian was just three years old, is a great example of this idea:

“It was hard to get [Julian] to do what he didn’t want to do. [I’d make him] sit on the steps, and if he wouldn’t because he was stubborn, well, I’d bring him over and put him [back] on the steps. He’d be angry because he got interfered with, he didn’t get to do what he wanted to do. He’d sit on the steps, but be mad as hell on the way there, arms pumping up and down, overcome with anger. The rule was ‘son, as soon as you get yourself under control and you can act like a civilized human, then you come and tell me and that’s it, you’re done [having to be on the steps]’. But it had to be real.” –Dr. Jordan Peterson

Jordan expected Julian to be compliant and get himself under control, which wasn’t easy — for him or Julian! But when it was hard for Julian, Jordan made sure to endure those difficulties alongside him. Meanwhile, Julian was able to prove to himself what he was capable of. He was able to integrate that self-control into his identity, as well as that trust in his father, and ultimately grow into a truly disciplined man.

Not to mention that all through Mikaela’s illness, Julian’s ability to stay resilient, and patient, and communicate his experiences was a great benefit to him and the entire family.

How Jordan Approaches Resentment and Trauma

As some of you might know, I grew up practicing Christian Science. There’s a line in the New Testament I appreciate where Christ says: “If you have a problem with your brother, fix that first, and go pray later.”  A lot happening in that line, but one of the most important things this quote teaches us is that holding onto a grudge against someone you care about breeds resentment, which affects every area in our lives. Jordan agrees: 

“[Resentment] is horrible, toxic, it’s so destructive — but it’s so informative. If you’re resentful, you’re either being oppressed and not standing up for yourself or you’re whiny and should grow up. Both of those things are useful to realize you’re resentful and want to do something about it.”–Dr. Jordan Peterson

In other words, resentfulness can be a gateway to self-improvement! 

As for trauma, Jordan believes getting mental health support to help you process trauma is important. However, he also warns both mental health professionals and their clients that sometimes when there is a crisis, well-meaning professionals can, unfortunately, rush in to discuss the trauma while it’s still happening. He believes this is a bad idea. 

“People are traumatized because something horrible happened and dwelling on it in the moment makes it worse. It’s not like anybody has a solution. [Imagine] someone’s shot up your kid’s school—[having a therapist say to them,] ‘Here’s how you should understand this, it [will make it] all better,’ is a terrible idea! No, it won’t!”– Dr. Jordan Peterson

Having been a victim of sexual abuse at age five myself, Jordan’s advice here resonates with me and would have been true for me at the time. It’s also advice I think we should all consider when speaking with close friends or family about their trauma. 

Jordan exemplifies this idea further and provides some examples of how we can all process our traumas through the story of a patient who was abused by her brother when she was only five.

“She was 27 when she came to see me. The first thing I did was point out her brother was only two years older than her and to think about the seven-year-olds she knows. For a five-year-old, a seven-year-old is an adult, but for an adult, a seven and a five-year-old are both children. It made her feel less vulnerable at the moment because what our brain wants in relationship to a traumatic memory is an indication that you’re no longer vulnerable to the same problem. That’s what memory is for. You remember something bad and you process it so that you change your interpretation, or your behavior, or the situation so that it isn’t going to happen in the future.” –Dr. Jordan Peterson

What I find most enlightening about this quote is the idea that memory has a purpose. It’s not just there to make an objective record of the world, it’s also there to make a functional map of the world that you can apply to the future. It’s there to help us make sense of our past. Spending time with your memories can help you pinpoint things you want more of or less of in your life. 

Why You Should Listen to This Dr. Jordan Peterson Podcast Episode Right Now…

This interview was so insightful, it was hard to stop talking — we went over our planned end time by nearly an hour!  I hope you enjoy part one as much as I did, and that you’re excited to wrap it all up in part two! And don’t forget to listen to the episode in its entirety to get the full scoop, and to share the episode with someone who needs to hear it. You could change someone’s life!

If you enjoyed this episode, let us know on Instagram! Tag Jordan, @jordan.b.peterson, and me, @lewishowes, with a screenshot of the episode and your greatest takeaways! Remember, this is just part one! Check out part two [here] to learn even more from Jordan.

You should also check out his website www.jordanbpeterson.com to connect with him and listen to his world-class podcast. 

To Greatness,