We all know how difficult dating and relationships can be. Even if you love your partner to the moon and back, at the end of the day, you’re still two entirely different people. You grew up differently and were raised differently, and as a result, your brains are wired differently.
This is one of the reasons why navigating a healthy relationship can be so challenging for everyone, no matter how well-adjusted you are. Lucky for us though, we’ve had the pleasure of interviewing one of the world’s leading experts on relationships: Ester Perel!
Over the years of our conversations, Esther has dropped so many gems that my team and I wanted to compile them in a special mashup episode. Here, we will revisit her wisdom on the most significant obstacles people face in relationships, what most people get wrong about dating, why even happy people sometimes cheat, and SO much more.
This special episode will surely be an enjoyable, engaging, and thought-provoking read about the many relationships that we all experienced. So, without further ado, let’s dive in!
Who Is Esther Perel?
Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies worldwide.
Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views and helped people worldwide navigate their relationships. Her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence has become a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages. Esther Perel is also a New York Times best-selling author of, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, a book that took a provocative look at relationships through the lens of infidelity.
Dr. Perel is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? — a podcast for anyone who has ever loved — where she gives her perspective on the invisible forces that shape the connections, dynamics, and conflicts in relationships.
The Biggest Obstacles We Face in Relationships
Relationships are a vital part of our daily lives. However, they can also feel like the most challenging aspect of our lives, especially if we’re struggling with the decision of staying with our partners or leaving. So why are relationships so difficult? In my interview with Dr. Perel, she offers four reasons for this scenario:
#1: Indifference
If a relationship goes wrong, one factor could be indifference. Indifference can manifest in not putting in the effort to make the relationship work. It’s when a person doesn’t care about what their partners feel, think, who they are, and what they’re about.
“When you are indifferent, you degrade the other person and make them feel that they’re less important to you. This treatment goes against our essence as persons, which is about connecting to others. We want to matter to someone and to be taken care of. We want them to consider our wellbeing and what’s good for us.” – Esther Perel
Sadly though, this prolonged sense of not caring can lead to coldness. When coldness creeps, the sense of estrangement follows, and that leads to complete disconnection. Once there’s disconnection, then neglect happens.
#2: Neglect
As Dr. Perel has established, neglect in relationships can start from indifference. They don’t want to spend time with their partners and take them for granted. This behavior is also contrary to how people act when they’re still in the dating stage. As she explains,
“People put all their best when they’re dating. Then, once they seal the knot, they go into complacency and laziness. It’s an amazing thing that many think that relationships can simply live on [their] own.” – Esther Perel
In worse cases, neglect can also include violence. Many neglectful partners may also be abusive, which adds to the deterioration of relationships.
#3: Violence
Violence is a major threat to any relationship. It’s not just about inflicting punches or wounds on our partners. It can also be through lashing out at them, talking to them with a tone, or even dismissing them. It can be in the form of passive aggression, aggression, or even resentment. But why is it so easy to be violent to our partners?
“It’s hard to be violent with other people because you can’t get away with it. If you talk harshly at work, you’re gone. If you show aggression with the police or on the street, you’ll get punched. With your partner, you have that sense that they’re going to be there always. They’re just going to take any kind of violence because you’re family.” – Esther Perel
Dr. Perel is saying that it’s easy to be violent with our partners because we’re confident they won’t leave us. They’re family, someone we live with, and they know us well. We always think we can get away with all kinds of behaviors that may hurt them.
I want everyone to stop and reflect on that statement. Are you more violent with your partners and nicer to strangers? Whatever answer you may have, it may be the key to saving a fragile relationship from freely collapsing.
#4. Contempt
The last challenge in any relationship is contempt. For Dr. Perel, it’s the primary factor that leads to the end of any relationship.
“Contempt is the killer of them all because, in contempt, there’s the degradation of the other person. We make them feel they’re nothing.” – Esther Perel
Contempt is when we put our partners down to feel superior. We make fun of them, diminish them, or make them feel worthless. These feelings make both parties feel like there’s no point in building anything with each other and that they should look at divorces as the easy way out.
Having a long-term relationship isn’t easy. It takes commitment, understanding, and love. Just like any other relationship, they’re prone to have obstacles that may tear them apart if not handled well. It’s important to remember that these are problems that can be resolved through honest communication or through help from trained professionals like psychologists or marriage counselors if you feel completely stuck.
