Stephan Speaks

Mike Murdock said, “Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.” And Mr. Rogers said, “Love is at the root of everything. All learning, all parenting, all relationships, love or lack thereof.”

This is the second installment of a massive two-part series with my friend Stephan Speaks, a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author. He helps both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships, empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situation standing in their way of the life and love they seek and make impactful changes on a daily basis.

Stephan’s written a book called Love After Heartbreak: Volume I which is all about helping you self-heal and find inner peace and true happiness. I’m so excited to have him back on the show! Our conversation was so powerful that we had to split it up into two parts, so make sure to check out part one after this if you haven’t listened to it already.

In this episode, we discuss the importance of forgiveness in our relationships and why people find it so hard to do so. The three things you should do to know if you have a connection with someone that you’re dating, how to know if you’re staying in the wrong relationship and Stephan discusses why he doesn’t believe in setting expectations in relationships and so much more. 

Who Is Stephan Speaks?

Stephan Speaks — also known by his given name, Stephan Labossiere — is a certified relationship coach, speaker, and author. From understanding the opposite sex to navigating the paths and avoiding the pitfalls of relationships and self-growth, Stephan’s relationship advice and insight help countless individuals achieve an authentically amazing life.

Dedicated to helping and devoted to keeping it real, Stephan’s straightforward yet compassionate delivery style attracts a varied clientele, including notable celebrities, civic and social organizations, academic institutions, singles, and couples alike, who can and are ready to handle the truth!

Stephan has been seen, heard, and chronicled in national and international media outlets, including the Tom Joyner Morning Show, The Examiner, ABC, and Huffington Post Live, to name a few. To coin a phrase by an individual who attended one of his speaking engagements, “He’s definitely the relationship guy — all relationships, all the time.” With an international following of singles and couples alike, the name Stephan Labossiere is synonymous with breaking down relationship barriers, pushing past common facades, and exposing the truth. It is this understanding of REAL relationships that he brings to everyone he encounters.

He’s got some great books out there, and after listening to this podcast episode with Stephan Labossiere, you’re going to want to hear more of his stuff. His most recent publications are Find Love After Heartbreak, He Who Finds a Wife, and The Man God Has for You, and they all teach you about how to create healthy relationships with the right people. 

He also has a new coaching program: “How to Manifest the Life & Man God Has for You.” Ladies, I’m speaking to you here — if you are looking for the right man, you definitely want to check out Stephan’s coaching program! He’s a relationship genius and genuinely kind guy, and I know his advice will help you manifest the relationship you’ve been dreaming of.

Let’s get back into it with part two!

Learning to Forgive

We left off the previous episode talking about how to write letters to those who have hurt you in your past. Stephan shares that there is another step to help us complete the process of healing so that we won’t still feel triggered moving forward. 

“Forgiveness is a huge part, but people have to understand forgiveness isn’t a snap-of-a-finger thing. You can say, ‘I forgive them. I’m good. I’m moving forward,’ [but] if something happens and you’re triggered at that moment, you have to stop yourself. When we get triggered, we allow ourselves to dive into it. What you have to do is recognize the moment, say, ‘No, I forgave them — what’s done is done. I’m moving forward.’ Keep practicing it, and as you practice it, you’ll notice you’re triggered less.” – Stephan Speaks

We don’t make a decision and then our hurt evaporates — our decision is to the commitment of recognizing that we’re triggered and reminding ourselves that we’ve moved on. As time rolls on, we’ll notice it’s affecting us less until eventually, it doesn’t bother us at all. 

Sometimes, the biggest hurdle is actually forgiving ourselves. 

“There are people listening to this who will be able to say, ‘I forgave that person,’ but you’re still beating yourself up and holding the mistake over your own head. We all make mistakes. We all fall short — learn from them, grow, move forward, do not dwell on them. Every time you find yourself beating yourself up, [say] ‘No, I forgive myself. I’m done. What’s done is done. I’m moving forward.’ Keep saying it to yourself. You will get to a place where it doesn’t bother you anymore.” – Stephan Speaks

What a powerful thing I think most of us overlook — forgiving ourselves. Not only do we overlook it, but it’s actually harder for us to do too.

Why It’s Harder to Forgive Yourself

This of course varies from situation to situation, especially considering some people can do horrible things to us, but even then, Stephan believes turning forgiveness inward is the tougher challenge.

“Because we live with ourselves. You see, that person can do one thing, and it can be very hurtful, but we may not see them again or face a circumstance like that. When we make our mistake, we have to live with that — we have to face ourselves in the mirror, and then there may be other mistakes we make that pile onto that. That person may have one offense we have to forgive them for, but we could end up having several offenses against ourselves — and now it becomes a harder journey for a lot of people to just accept that we’re all flawed.” – Stephan Speaks

It’s important to understand that we all fall short and none of us gets it perfect. All of us make mistakes. Even in business, everyone who’s successful has failed. Life is the same thing — anyone who’s successful in life has made mistakes. We either learn from them or do what too many people are doing: dwell on them. 

There are so many layers to building our capacity for quality relationships. Even if we have healed everything from our past, we can still fall short in how we show up in relationships. A big one that Stephan dives into is our expectations.